Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
Both movies have characters who are more grounded..
'The externals' aside, I could see 'the black widow' movie hinting at Shang-Chi in an after credits scene.
@Modal0154
'The eternals' aside..
Criminal attitude is thinking that since 'you seek answers in an answerless world', there is no right or wrong.
=_= My dad might not be sober, right now.
It's not hard but it is a lot of work, can mean that toma much tiempo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmYypVozQb4
Speaking from experience there is such a thing as 'breaking your own heart'.
Putting out small fires but never getting anything done.
Can you believe that I don't regret porn?..
hang-up, 3, 2, 1..
@Modal0154
While I still have a grip on myself, let me say this..
online work has really highlighted to me how and where pornography fixation begins and ends and can perpetually interfere w/livelihood
Those old 'Charlie Brown and Snoopy' show episodes are just asking for the YouTube crack editing treatment x)
I could imagine how many who have struggled w/pornography when about to marry would reject the idea of bachelor parties b/c it would trigger what they struggled to leave behind.
@Modal0154
Let me ask this..w/pornography or any other addiction..has anyone ever continued to linger on after 'the most intense experience' out of some self-delusion, 'to explore more' .i.e. 'get it all out of your system' even if it might mean burnout?.
@Modal0154
In the past, I thought to myself how 'properly healing' from would take more than a month. In such timing, being vulnerable to repeating the cycle was always a likelihood.
--attitude of 'being to old to make mistakes'
--it s--ks to undergo healing when fragility and deterioration increase
--contributor to my weariness of aging plus an attitude of a person being too old to make mistakes
Futurama 'preacherbot' voice:
"Natural selection is the Devil !. Apodyopsis is the Devil !."
@Modal0154
I'm not wasting the next opportunity to spend recreational time w/extended family unlike yesterday.
I can see how substituting one unhealthy habit for another is a reason for amplified health issues. Eating a cookie made by sister..didn't really enjoy it too much but I thought to myself how it can differ on the brain in contrast to three straight days of pornography.
@Modal0154
It has occurred to me how maybe one reason for the hang ups of guilt and powerful resentment when it comes to my sexuality or whatever passes for something to the effect of sexual activity is b/c of a certain impulse 'to carry it', 'to take it up' w/non secular (realities?..entities?..factors?) and whatever it means to take things 'that far'.
If there are 'afterlives'/'afterrealities'..to imagine that if you follow some short-sighted dichotomy of 'hell' and 'heaven', and if you consider detrimental sexual inconsistencies/irresponsibilities to be 'the most sinful', could you imagine the number of males who casually, the number of males who did casually use pornography being 'put on judgement' to par w/war criminals like Hitler, Stalin and Mobutu?. Hence 'there has to be another way'..
@Modal0154
Gj: the burger my mom gave me, the food my aunt brought and prepared even if I was using porn
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ibid when it comes to having parents bring you food even if you think your a .p.o.s..
@Modal0154
"Western civilization has come to a universal agreement that the key to happiness is freedom. It's all we talk about. It is also why the Libertarian-leaning types even think narcotics should be legalized -- after all, shouldn't you be "free" to put anything you want into your own body? The fundamental end goal of all of this shit we're doing every day -- all the work, all the wars -- is to give people a chance to do whatever makes them happy. So why not this?
But anyone who's watched a friend tortured by withdrawal symptoms knows this is a paradox: the addict is "free" to keep doing drugs, but he's not free to stop doing drugs -- the product came with a built-in chemical mechanism that punishes the user with physical torture if they stop. That's not freedom."
--https://www.cracked.com/blog/7-creepy-ways-corporations-are-turning-you-into-addict/
@Modal0154
This is why the "I quit trying to quit attitude" happens.
___
"This work site has had [__] days without an accident"
"+10 hours without pornography"
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En mi lucha por un teoria de amor pos-Cristiano, teorias de amor no secular, no siendo algo que estoy familiar con escojo a sigiendo Alain Badiou por tal de lo poco que sepo acerca de el de ciertos videos de 'Wisecrack'.
Even if I sought something nonsecular-ish to help me, I have too much on my plate (that much, I can identify w/evocation of nonsecularism) and it takes long b/c of the intensity.
I'm not sure if I can really do that any longer--says the dude w/the Samyutta Nikiya stowed away.
It s--ks how the only way to 'get on w/' life sans parents and long term seems to be moving out with my sister..this is beyond the scope *of this journalism* but the expression of the 'neo-Gnosticism' might sister expresses and follows (Pentecostalism), the overtness of it et al does agitate me more than I let on.
Always the same reasons for why I don't have my own space..recent 'reclaiming' of my bedroom aside..always the same reason for not having my own space.
__
The puma which tried mauling me in my dreams, meant something. So did the mention of Gnosticism on something of a flash card which others freaked out to when I mentioned.
@Modal0154
maudlin neo-Gnosticism
Hay algo que decir acerca de dando gente esperenza, it turns out to be esperenza falso y gente que cuedan addicto a esperenza falso.
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Those 'lynda' vids on 'the imposter syndrome'..I'd like to pitch an inferiority complex based on a projection of being an addict..
@Modal0154
"Do you know the word malu? It's an Indonesian word that Tiffany Watt Smith introduced in the Book of Human Emotions. It describes how we feel flustered when we're around someone famous or how about kenopsia? It's that odd feeling when you're in a quiet place that's usually busy like a deserted train station or a school hallway at night. That one's from John Koenig's website, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Building a vocabulary of words that describe emotions is an important step in the struggle against imposter syndrome."-- Carolyn Goerner
What I expected to feel at the library, last Monday
It's not uncommon when comic book covers depict Nathan Summers/'Cable' that it would be a close up w/one of his eyes glowing. A part of me which I could do a portrait like that but instead of an orange or yellow glowing light, it would be the autism awareness symbol (the multicolored puzzle pieces) gleaming through.
