Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
Both movies have characters who are more grounded..
'The externals' aside, I could see 'the black widow' movie hinting at Shang-Chi in an after credits scene.
@Modal0154
'The eternals' aside..
Criminal attitude is thinking that since 'you seek answers in an answerless world', there is no right or wrong.
=_= My dad might not be sober, right now.
It's not hard but it is a lot of work, can mean that toma much tiempo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmYypVozQb4
Speaking from experience there is such a thing as 'breaking your own heart'.
Putting out small fires but never getting anything done.
Can you believe that I don't regret porn?..
hang-up, 3, 2, 1..
@Modal0154
While I still have a grip on myself, let me say this..
online work has really highlighted to me how and where pornography fixation begins and ends and can perpetually interfere w/livelihood
Those old 'Charlie Brown and Snoopy' show episodes are just asking for the YouTube crack editing treatment x)
I could imagine how many who have struggled w/pornography when about to marry would reject the idea of bachelor parties b/c it would trigger what they struggled to leave behind.
@Modal0154
Let me ask this..w/pornography or any other addiction..has anyone ever continued to linger on after 'the most intense experience' out of some self-delusion, 'to explore more' .i.e. 'get it all out of your system' even if it might mean burnout?.
@Modal0154
It has occurred to me how maybe one reason for the hang ups of guilt and powerful resentment when it comes to my sexuality or whatever passes for something to the effect of sexual activity is b/c of a certain impulse 'to carry it', 'to take it up' w/non secular (realities?..entities?..factors?) and whatever it means to take things 'that far'.
If there are 'afterlives'/'afterrealities'..to imagine that if you follow some short-sighted dichotomy of 'hell' and 'heaven', and if you consider detrimental sexual inconsistencies/irresponsibilities to be 'the most sinful', could you imagine the number of males who casually, the number of males who did casually use pornography being 'put on judgement' to par w/war criminals like Hitler, Stalin and Mobutu?. Hence 'there has to be another way'..
@Modal0154
Gj: the burger my mom gave me, the food my aunt brought and prepared even if I was using porn
@Modal0154
"Western civilization has come to a universal agreement that the key to happiness is freedom. It's all we talk about. It is also why the Libertarian-leaning types even think narcotics should be legalized -- after all, shouldn't you be "free" to put anything you want into your own body? The fundamental end goal of all of this shit we're doing every day -- all the work, all the wars -- is to give people a chance to do whatever makes them happy. So why not this?
But anyone who's watched a friend tortured by withdrawal symptoms knows this is a paradox: the addict is "free" to keep doing drugs, but he's not free to stop doing drugs -- the product came with a built-in chemical mechanism that punishes the user with physical torture if they stop. That's not freedom."
--https://www.cracked.com/blog/7-creepy-ways-corporations-are-turning-you-into-addict/
Hay algo que decir acerca de dando gente esperenza, it turns out to be esperenza falso y gente que cuedan addicto a esperenza falso.
@Modal0154
Those 'lynda' vids on 'the imposter syndrome'..I'd like to pitch an inferiority complex based on a projection of being an addict..
@Modal0154
"Do you know the word malu? It's an Indonesian word that Tiffany Watt Smith introduced in the Book of Human Emotions. It describes how we feel flustered when we're around someone famous or how about kenopsia? It's that odd feeling when you're in a quiet place that's usually busy like a deserted train station or a school hallway at night. That one's from John Koenig's website, The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Building a vocabulary of words that describe emotions is an important step in the struggle against imposter syndrome."-- Carolyn Goerner
What I expected to feel at the library, last Monday
It's not uncommon when comic book covers depict Nathan Summers/'Cable' that it would be a close up w/one of his eyes glowing. A part of me which I could do a portrait like that but instead of an orange or yellow glowing light, it would be the autism awareness symbol (the multicolored puzzle pieces) gleaming through.
