Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
It's strange how being in a world where most of the ppl who are hypothetically 'in charge of everything' couldn't even really fill every building in an apparently 'medium sized' big city (here, Hamilton) all that sollipistic fixation on the fuel for decisions* results in a poisonous spectrum btw lauding the outcomes of filthy popularity contests or shaming anything else for 'nonsuccess' b/c the trick is when you maintain billions of 'underlings' consistently beneath the ~2.5 rung of Maslow's hierachy, it can leave the 'top tier' percenters lingering like all those underlings albeit in psycho-ontic blankets of deceptive apathy via excess. It's b/c it's better than giving an answer of we don't know what we want..which only pianfully highlights how only caring to authentically uplift everyone else is the only thing left to, remaining to be done.
[intentional double posting]
S--ky the things you realize w/'at home work'
When you implement a habit which is meant to become rote, it can be drag in how you wake up everyday knowing that something has already determined your time spending.
I think this is why self-compassion is so key and resisting self-compassion via addictions which increasingly vocalize being undeserving.
https://connfitzgibboncounselling.ie/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/CBT-Dundrum.jpg
Give it space
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*sigh*
Pt. o'that self-compassion
(I) means not giving yourself a hard time w/self-criticism on how initially committed your identity was to such practises
(||) me not kicking myself too hard for skipping online work entirely for a day.
Bit upset at myself for not imeediately knowing where the little headphone adapter is. No need to tead down the house.
Lo encontre.weri
How obvious it has seemed to others for weeks now, in contrast to myself that one of the hateful parts of the quartenine is confinement, crowded w/ppl you don't always get along w/.
Hence the image of me meditating or exercising for indeterminate lengths wouldn't really have worked out out even if I hadn't had an online work presence. B/c as usual my family members entering in and out of rooms and even answering the doors on occasions would have been a thing.
Considering modifying meditation amounts again.
Opinion
Much of the current sociopolitical ambience and collective Western societal comes from holding onto old expectations about being able to provide for nuclear families which anyone would be able hypothetically to make emerge and sustain w/out too much struggle..that well intentioned ideal could be called something of a 'broken myth' even if it's not coming from cynicism.
B/c goodness knows how through the latters decades after the first half of last century, it was downright stupid how much was dangerously ignored and still as complaining of victimized voices which will never be sated and remains as fragmented expectations which can still 'show off' valid 'success' of apparently making classism a nonissue.
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The strenous work from library return pile ups come whensoever we open again, since we are no longer returning on the 5th.
What's all this about protesting via not paying rent a/o bills, then?. It's not pt. of a joke which struggling late night show hosts are presenting for tomorrow is it?.
Quaratine can make for excellent time for ppl to feel guilty about having dismissed others, judged others as boring in the past--there comes a pt. when anything, after 'refinement' w/mindfulness practices can be amusing..
..but I can't forget the distinction btw what is entertainment and what is not so much, even if your work isn't strenous and has a 'similar flavor' as what media you usually would otherwise be consuming which entertains you.
An essay on vapourwave in contrast to Lynda courses or even nonsecular literature, say.
Whoever said there weren't common attributes in terms of the looks of ppl w/mental health issues was either in denial, had an agenda or was playing it rote =~= ..
cynical right..we are, all of us here are the quiet kids who got harassed into burn outs..
I think it's fair to say how even if e-learning is gaining traction and glacially changing labor markets which will drain us and leave us craving 'do-overs' instead of afterlives by lifespans end (maybe it's just me but whatever) have their stupidly painfully inertia highlighted all the more..we still rely on schools in very real sense for our livelihoods more than we ever did churches/sociomechanstic or organized religion...it's a f--g crime I want reprimands for, for how many a--holes exploit us when you developmentally not even be able to really cognitively grasp what bothers them, our tormentors, our teachers..not that =_= , the dumbf--ks themselves have enough introspection capability themselves to express their issues and not only expectations. And their there is the issue of snobbiness and divisiveness w/the post secondary staff where being one of the most knowledgeable, legimate experts on the planet don't mean squat if you s--k at pedagogy, a d--n skill which really would've emerged better only if you had been a typical conformist in terms of socializing habits when you were younger at a ironic price of the time it took you to be become an expert.
=_= I repeat that Toni Morrison b/c just why the f--k doesn't anyone ever write this down!?, if so much of the basis of experiences are based on this s--t ?!.
[i]Futility[/i]?!. Really a--hole ?!. Believe it on it in thicka-- philosophy tomes there are mentions of ways around it!. Like what?, ~+70 yrs after Camus actually bothered to write this down back when literacy rates were still even more of a problem than before!. There are ways around it and if bother to read the fine print you'll realize how it entails some pretty intricate steps, some which aren't even nonverbal but the rest of which is worth writing down so that we can eventually shorten the steepness of these d--n learning to overcome some d--n killer banalities!.
This d--n rant is being done on a cellphone for one thing and please imagine it w/the attitude of..
https://youtu.be/15eyzJ_pj4o (0:56-1:17) and the 'end this war right now) significance
B--y h--l to how it takes epidemics for this to catch on more seriously >:| !.
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listening:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pV3vdo5ZA14
>~< D--n it!. How I would do things if not for online work
I darkly wish that a possible God/the universe/'higher __' could provide divinely given '00 licenses' to take out those who harass you--even if you don't actually kill them you could potentially go all Jet Li on them if you have the skill and not be penalized w/consequences.
It's the guarantee of not ever being penalized that's most important--would've helped me when I was 12.
w/the post secondary staff where being one of the most knowledgeable, legimate experts on the planet not meaning squat if you s--k at pedagogy, a d--n skill which really would've emerged better only if you had been a typical conformist in terms of socializing habits when you were younger at a ironic price of the time it took you to be become an expert...entire industries or even instiutions (think say 'health ministers' in politics) rely on them paltry amount.
..Toni Morrison quote.."this is really a whole lot easier when you don't talk"..is something I can see as a justification.
'Riverdale crack' videos are soothing.
I'm usually agitated.
When it comes the mental health of ppl needing to prove themselves and the history of that..
..last names..in English speaking countries at least?..weren't even really a thing until ~150 yrs ago?..
..might that tie-in?.
I don't believe in gender but as much as I feel iffy about the name, I like the vocals of 'Boyz II Men'.
Most of my reservations for anything masculine doesn't come from my own gender or sexual identity issues as much as it does my reservations for the resentments of all the posturing and harrassment done when I was younger b/c of the concept.
That's why.