Modal0154 journal: vol.IV
Speaking as someone who..lacks autonomy, speaking as someone who is autistic, speaking as someone 'fundamentally' friendless, speaking as someone who communicates, speaking as someone who struggles not to regret, speaking as someone unsure of resuming to read through what he wrote, speaking as someone bilingual, speaking as someone who has *a lot of issues* 'following his own voice', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do self-confidence', speaking as someone who 'doesn't do trust' neither intrapersonal or interpersonally w/uncompromising authenticity..
John Cage's idea of how silence is only an idea, intrigues/fascinated me..
how I wish to gush about it
Speed. Fixation over speed. Obsession over speed. Indicative of obsession, control, lack of confidence or trust meaning overexertion, constant guardness or defensiveness, aggression, hostility, rage, exhaustion, stress, agitation..
I can stop obsessing over the 'speed is the soul of war' line from 'the romance of the three kingdoms' now.
You can say that you are a person who has their priorities and focuses on doing what they want not having time or energy for games or worries, and having better things to do.
But what when those priorities and focuses become worries?.
When non-ambiguity about age is the only thing barring male gaze.
If a fair amount of us wind up here b/c we got our a--s kicked a/o judged on the basis of what specific but 'important enough ppl' consider banal, does that mean we can be honest about how along w/non-employment, not being to drive is probably another cause of dating prospects dropping like a rock?.
Before I lose my train of thought..
I realize now how expecting or awaitng for friends without socializing is like going on about thirst but never going tap b/c you don't like how it looks..
or something like that..
: / *sigh* w/serious dating websites or otherwise, would subscriptions with their full names appear on bank statements. A part of me impulses that on a semi-obscure website is an explanation of such processes and I'd expect a listing of ones to which it applies.
[feel like crying]
I'm an agnostic when it comes to relationships..I don't know what I want.
__
What I do know, what I want is 'my own space' but the banality of it is too much for this wretched world to pay attention too
epistemically speaking you can use agnostic in a non religious way...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credo_quia_absurdum, Kierkegaard and all the rest, d--n
We can say how you can comfortably function in a post-Neitzchian, post-Christian, post-theothantological environment.
Sure, I'd 'buy that' but what I have a harder time buying is that we live in a post-relational one
old inspirations..various De Bottom vid
,b/c it's too dangerous in a sense, in various ways to lose the sense of responsibility if you never understood the mind in the first place D:< !.
..
let me admit to myself not really understanding what I'm saying myself..you can write 'creative nonfiction' to plummet an understanding but intuitively I feel as if..I'm indulging in self-pity. 'My comfort zone' by..
[autism, past tortures et al or etc]
I jocularly feel like saying that the first 20 seconds of this video is talking about religion on a first date ^_^
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LmOwEfPHUo
It's from an infamous video game series.
I guess that the sharpest minds among us can pick out on a date whether 'casual flings' are being done in a spirit of 'I don't have many other options..why not ?' and 'I'm looking forward to this/ am enthusiastic thrilled..this is my m.o.'
To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god. ― Jorge Luis Borges not talking about monolatrism
Friendship, friendship
At the very least
At the very least friendship
method > belief
I dread oversharing, it can be dangerous to overshare..=_= case in point, having a profilic and vocal online writing habit yet nary any attention..
I'm glad for online work being cut by half for the next two weeks b/c of Easter related days.
old emails..
Never at a loss for words
The ability to not exhaust when it comes to replies*
Adjacent to Albert C.'s absurdism
*there is no guarantee that the responses will be right
4-5-2020: anniversary of faltered meditation retreat attempt.
Fideism.
Noticing the short-sightedness in placing a Muslim (Avicenna) as someone who would be in awe at a certain drinking habit:
Permalink, frig I might write less if editing on this site was better
https://existentialcomics.com/comic/335
Hiki--
the thrill of thinking you might meet someone who understands you.
The thrill of knowing you might meet someone who understands you.
"12 year old me would have difficulty swallowing this. 12 year old me would have digesting this. 12 year old me would have understanding this."
696e74656e74696f6e616c697479
"The point of conversation is successful communication, not showing off how big your vocabulary is"-('Netflix & Chill: Crash Course Philosophy #27, 4:57, Hank Green hosted: https://youtu.be/G30m6XDBTh4?t=297)
There are maybe ~40+-~80+ actively used languages on the planet. In the past, I would have thought (and still do to an effect) a thorough grip on the near entire vocubularly within a language. But it's not much more than a gimmick if you say 60 different words which you can evoke from your personal lexicon b/c it's not always the lexicon which gets a person's attention but how they express/communicate w/a given lexicon even if they struggle and wind up having to make as much of an ad hoc improvisation as if many spoken found poems were effortfully being churned out w/a struggling mouth.
It's the difference between obsessing or fixating over etymology and syntax or at least fixating over syntax v. semantics (vocab v. communication, in that sense). Sure, it has it's place-- not the least in the literary but when your communicating wheresoever or w/whatsoever language your using intuition and nonverbal significance and what's important is that honest and as maximally as possible compassion or empathy carry over (=understanding).What's cared about is that honest and as maximally as possible compassion or empathy carry over (=understanding). What's sought after that honest and as maximally as possible compassion or empathy carry over (=understanding).
Everyone needs to express direction regarding thirst quenching, washroom use and in some form or another, for whatever counts as it affection or recognition; connectivity is the opposite of addiction. That doesn't mean you can be fine with being tactless though =_= w/ language.
*and that's not even going into the unfortunate and annoying tendency ppl have to request knowing cuss words even for a semi-perojative word like 'fool' --that part about communication in contrast to vocabulary, I really doubt that upon learning cuss words from other languages aside from irresponsible nouns reflecting rotten kyriarchies (say, think about how many homophobic slurs you can come across in those ~+40~+80 languages but then ask yourself who is using them, who is still using them, the demographics in an increasingly interconnected world w/painful enough common experiences that seeking max inclusion and equity for all who were excluded from communities is sought after, at least on the internet in it's better (socio)political climates. Do you really =_= think or expect to use such word with the same cadence as it's autocthonic users and the struggles from which it emerged from inequality, being underserved, other forms of choicelessness etc ?. That part about choicelessness ?, a fair amount of the time it's the need for expediency which triggers cussing doesn't it?.
Equally as iffy at the least is using 'religious language' w/out an understanding of the contexts and other languages from where it emerged. Imo.
S--ks how most think you can get by acceptably w/only a 'customer service style' grip; consider how many learn Spanish but can't say, say the entire alphabet on request. I'm not going to ponder how this applies, might apply to this habit of repeating lines w/slight mods while writing.
___
^_^ Tee-hee, messing around with punctuation combinations can still be fun though; https://youtu.be/H6VGb3BCLjU?t=147
But it's not much more than a gimmick if you say 60 different words which you can evoke from your personal lexicon, words for water, friend, family, cheesecake, love, carpenter etc..
,change,
Reassuring immensity