Musings(gets abit dark in the ending. sorry about that)

so...where to begin?

i have so much issues and yet when i count them they seem so small and easily fixable. however in the end of the day i am me and my number one choice/option is to run and hide away, avoid and deflect. pretend to be alright and ignore my thoughts.

opening up and being honest doesnt seem like a big deal, infact it seems so easy and heck sometimes i also advice people to be honest and not care but reality is that it is really scary and sometimes terrifying.

in all honestly being honest is not easy for me, i mean i can be pretty honest and brutal with myself but once it comes to a person that has a potential to be closed to me i instantly find myself closing off my vulnerable sides and it is almost automatic and i dont even plan on doing it.

my bestfriend the first time we were getting closed once asked me "why do you always let me just talk about myself?talk about yourself as well" and that stuck with me because the whole time i was befriending her i was trying to learn about her and observing her that i never actually shared anything about myself, i was automatically trying to learn about her so that i could tailor my character in a manner that she would be able to get along with and to be fair i know i was doing that and i always did that.

i will talk about how my tailored characters came crashing and blending into each other and mixing at the age of 16/17 leading to how i became a friendless person i am now at the age of 19 another time.

for now i want to talk about vulnerability and honestly in friendship and relationships.

now that i think about it, i find it funny how i unintentionally manipulated all my friendships to the point where i can honestly say that there is literally no one in this world who knows what kind of person i really am. i mean obviously anyone who reads my annonymous rants and this thread probably will have a pretty good idea but i mean my friends that geniunely know things about me only see the facade of the person i show them i am who happens to be catered to their favourabilty hence why all my friends will tell you how much of a 'sweet' 'confident' 'sometimes shy' 'positive' person i am when reality is i am not really all that.

and who knows maybe i am looking at things/myself through 'dark' 'exaggerated' glasses

but i like to think that it better to think at things in a darker light than have high hopes for it to be shattered.

and also i think i am probably just arrogrant, because deep down i believe no one truely understands what i am going through even though i know i am not the only one; deep down i believe that no one will be able to help me or understand how my mind works, i believe that it wont do me any good to be honest with people, i wont benefit me in any ways and if anything i would just be an open shieldless body which would be easily attacked and hurt. if i am honest i feel like i would be lauhed at? not taken seriously?easily taken advantage off?. i personally feel shame, embarrassment and fear just at the thought of being vulnerable with my emotions to people i care and when i say vulnerable i mean being honest and saying i am scared of being alone, i am too dependent and clingy, i crave attention and care and love, i desperately desire to be reassured that i am loved and cared about over and overbecause i have ingrained in my head that i am not wanted, i am worthles to protect myself. i convinced myself i am nothing and wasnt loved. i convinced myself of things, so many bad things, i learned bad words and told myself, directed them at myself over and over like a mantra as an act to protect myself because if i heard all the words directed at me then it wouldnt hurt as much when other people tell them to me (my father back when i was a kid)

these things i write... i would die if any of the people i know and love heard or read any of these words, these words that seem like nothing big or serious. the thought it self terrifies me.

and i get it is stupid and not a big deal but i just cant help it.

so yes i am not honest and maybe i am egoistic in my beliefs, maybe i am just being stubborn...and would i ever be able to be vulnerable?

i sure have fantasies where i am honest but deep down and on the surface i know i would never be able to be that vulnerable.

i would rather people i know and care for to see me as a happy, positive girl.- which is the cause of my loneliness to be honest.

a part of me wonders maybe my egoistic side just looks down on other people, believing i am better because i understand them and so because i know what they go through a part of me believes if they realize i am worse off maybe i would seem like lower person-if that makes sense. i dunno.

i also noticed that i somehow managed to fool myself and my friends into believing that i am honest with them because i am honest, sometimes too honest in the sense where i tell my friends parts of my childhood and how bad my dad was but only the not so bad parts, like oh m dad forced me to marry at 16 or oh my dad had an issue with us kids talking and laughing with each other because we are too noisy and we should be reading or how my dad would be pissed off if we misakenly broke a plate or mistakenly fall on the ground but i would never share things like how i vividly remember my dad being so frustrated at me for being bad at education that he once stepped on my chest while i was crying and pressed down on it while whipping me at a young age, maybe 8 or 9 years old, i cant remember which age or when my dad once brought a knife and said he would kill me out of anger or how my dad had a habit of telling me and my siblings to leave his house at night when he gets frustrated at our bad education- not reading well or not remembering what we read and he would seriously open the door in the dead of the night and say walk out, without any shoes or anything and since we dont go out much we dont know anyone or anywhere and i was a particularly scardykid who was terrified of the dark so i would have to spend minutes crying and begging to stay.

just typing those examples out makes me triggered and cringe as well. i would now like to pretend i didnt say that and bury it back to where it was.

but yeah those are the sorts of things, i am unintentionally selective with the vulnerable parts of me that i share and so i believe myself and say i am a vulnerabel but reality is that i am not and frankly i just learned recently that i am not as honest as i thought i was i the sense of being open with how i feel and think.

i find it hard to tell even my own siblings when i am depressed and inadequate and down, instead i hide and ghost people whenever i am down or spiraling down in depression and they wonder why i keep disappearing on them. it is funny how i cant even say 'i havent been feeling well' talk less to say 'i have been depressed because i feel like a worthless piece of crap literally'

personally i dont know where i am heading with this, these are just some thoughts i have.

maybe i will come back one day and add more notes under the thread once i make new discovery.

feel free to comment and feel free to ignore.

honestly i dunno. but what i do know is i probably lost any chance letting myself make friends here because now that people here see the person i am i would be too embarrassed to make friends plus i would not be able to let myself make any friends here...because well... the moment i decided to let loose here i lost my chance at facade lol so much complications.....