My Journal
Hello everyone!
I have got a lot going on in my life lately and even more things in my head. I mean, not all of the is bad, in fact they are more good than bad, I think, I just kind of feel like I have lost footing and I just feel like I am getting more and more lost in my own head and in that chaos some thoughts, thinking patterns just seem to come up again that I tought to have left behind.
Anyhow, I suppose if I would have a space to just go on about all the things going on in my mind it would probably help to clear it up, gain back a bit of control. I mean, this seems to be a perfect place to do it so without really bothering anyone with it - although, anyone is welcome to post or reply here. I would enjoy having a discussion as well however, that is not the main point of this, I think.
Anyway....
A whole lot of my problems and anxieties are just resurfacing because one thing. It is really an internal thing of mine. I think at least. Generally I am a perfectionist, of whatever you call that but, instead of measuring myself by my own little successes and allowing myself to be proud of them I tend to just focus on the mistakes I make, the tasks I am not able to get done - or not in time.
In work, I am generally respected work my wotk-ethics and just for generally being good at what I am doing but, still, I cannot let the few mistakes I make go for some reason. Really small things. Typos even. I mean, with all honesty, I could probably be proud of all that I have achieved in just two years with promotions and praise from managers and everything but then I still keep thinking they are just complimenting me because they do not know about all those mistakes I make...
After work, I guess, in my current life, this place it my second most important thing and...well, it is complicated, I suppose. I have trouble keeping up with everything here often as well and...well, once again, I measure myself by what I have missed, people who I was not able to be there for.
I do not know why, but I harbor a lot of guilt for things like this, things I should not do so but it is somehow it is just how my mind works for me.
I have been trying to focus on the good things. Positive self-talk and a "journal" llsting all the positive things I have done that day and compliments I have got was something that have helped but, once again, I feel like with all the things going on in my life, I feel like that sort of control kind of slipped out of my hands a little bit. I will not let all that work just simply be undone tho, all the work I have put into this. Into fightinh my anxieties and depression.
I am not sure what's next, I may need to change and adapt my orld self-care routine's to my "new life" but I know I have those and I know that I have alraedy got this once and, hopefully, I will be able to get thir as well.
I have started to feel some motivation lately to come back here.
I head to distance myself from this place because I have associated it with a whole lot of responsibilities for a long time and just felt burn out of that soooo.....yep, I will definitely not take on any official roles right now here because I do not feel ready for that at the moment still but I would definitely like to try and spend time here.
This time maybe trying to explore more of what the member side of the site has actually to offer while still occasionally responding to a few posts as I may see fit.
I know it is not much but I really just do not feel ready to take on roles as I was doing it in the past but I do still miss this place and all the people here.
I mean, in case anyone is reading this sending out virtual hugs to all of you - if you want/need it, that is.
Szia awesome @redmark 
It's so nice to read from you again and I am very happy that you're feeling motivated to come back, and that you know exactly what you need.
Thank you for the hugs, I'm having them and sending you lots back
Szia @admaiorasemper
Thank you for the hugs back at my way. I do look forward to getting back to this, albeit, I will need to set much healthier boundaries this time, which will be a learning experience as I am not good at setting boundaries at all but I do want to come back here eventually, even if it is just hanging around with nor official roles and responsibilities. We will see. :)
@redmark Hey Red :) it is really good to see you here again. I can completely understand not wanting to take on more then you can handle right now. It's alot of responsibility - with checkins and replies. Plus - it seems to make it harder to seek support for yourself with those
I have missed seeing you around - I can't deny that :)
@mytwistedsoul *hugs* (you know, no pressure, just in case you may need one)
I am so happy to hear from you. I have really missed you as well. :)
Thank youf for being so understanding about not trying to take on any of my old roles right now. It has had definitely made it harder for myself in the past so seek support and I do hope that I will be able to just find the right balance now, taking things slow. :)
Strangely enough I kinda miss the feed now we used to have.
I have never really used it while we had it but now all I seem to have are just short thoughts, like a sentence or two that I would like to share and I always just decide that they are not exactly worth a full post for them. Like, I do not want to be too "spammy" here, even though, this is kind of my space I guess and I can sort of make the rules here - keeping the forum guidelines in mind, of course.
Also....it still kind of feels weird to me to just post things, because my mind kind of still thinks in a way where I want to make sure that there is enough substance in each post I write, as I used to do it for my roles. Old habits die hard anyway.
Either way, I might be posting here shorter posts in the future, however more frequently. or something like that...
Sorry about this post, it has not gone as planned.... Just feel free to ignore it.
I hate it when you write a post here and while you are typing it 7Cups just decides to log you out and not allow to post it. It was already frustrating when it happened while posting check-ins and such but with those it has been easier to follow your steps back.
But now....not so much. I mean, there is no way to recover what you have typed previously and once I have been venting something out of my system I cannot like "re-vent" it, since it is already out of my system.
I mean, frustrating as is, I guess I have this to vent about now instead of what I was originally typing here. Maybe I will get back to that sometimes as well.
Trigger Warning: I am going to write about Self-Harm below so, feel free to skip this one
Sooo....I have this mindset that "if it doesn't leave a mark it's okay". Which is....not a good thing.
I have got into a very stressful situation today and it came with a lot of self-loathing and what-not and, well, I am not proud of it but ended up punhing myself in the face and it is not exactly that rare that I end up in one way or an other causing some level of discomfort or even pain to myself for a variety of different reasons.
I mean, I have been referring to myself as free of self-harm for a while since I am not...you know...*TW* ...cutting....for over like 7 years now but I guess it would be a lie to really say that I am not self-harming anymore.
So, I guess, from now on I would like to revoke my "self-harm free" card until I somehow figure these out as well. Not exactly sure how yet, but I guess admitting it is the first step for now...
@redmark I'd like to sit with you Red - if thats ok and offer you a hug if you would like one
I'm proud of your courage to admit this - you're right - I think the first step is admitting it
Hey there @mytwistedsoul
Thank you! I mean, I guess if I have learned something lately is that I should be more like honest with myself about a lot of stuff because it is one thing that I keep up a mask for the word and try to act like everything is fine but at the same time I have kind of started to just try to hide my own feelings from myself as well in a way.
I mean, I guess that was an other reason why I felt like I needed to step away from here, I have kept forcing poritivity on myself even at times it was not fitting. Like, don't misunderstand me, most of the time it was genuine positivity but there were times I have forced myself really hard just to "keep my image up".
I have a lot of things to work on and now that said image and pressure is gone, I do look forward to work on them. After all, I have really learned so many things already here just never got to use it for myself - or not as much as I should have done anyway.
I hope it makes at least some sense....sorry for rambling on-and-on.
@redmark You're welcome! :) It makes perfect sense. The positivity - the way I see it - it's allmost like compassion. How someone can feel great amounts of compassion for others but not themselves. You put a smile on your face and tell yourself it doesn't matter. Fake it to make it. It seems too that alot of times with the role of doing check ins brings some unwanted attention from listeners who seem to want someone to listen to them instead
If I'm completely honest Red - I'm just really glad to see you here - I'm glad to see you're taking care of yourself
Be gentle with yourself Red and your thoughts :)
@mytwistedsoul I am happy to hear that you are just glad to have me here. I have not really had any expectations coming back here after my extended hiatus but it feels really nice to still see some like old faces if it makes sense and I am especially happy that you are one of them. These are definitely the aspects of this place I have missed and now I will have the chance to just simply build better boundaries and, I have made the decision, that if I will ever want to take a role on I will create a listener account for that, to have things separated. Not that I plan to do that anytime soon.
Either way, I'll stop rambling, thank you very much for your support!
@redmark 
Hope you don't mind :)
@mytwistedsoul Aww, thank you very much! - Of ourse I do not mind it :)
Sooo....I have disappeared again a bit but right now I have a good reason. I am having my house renovated, because it has really needed it and that means that basically my whole room has been totally destroyed - like the plasted has been broken down from the walls and all I have had were the walls themselves and what-not so I really haven't got internet connection and my laptop has not been in the room, of course. It is coming together tho. Not done yet but the mason/plasterer is not working on the weekends so I have got my table and laptop back to the room for the time being, for the weekend at least.
Anyway, probably next week will be the same as well, so I apologize for this, but once this is done I hope just having a nice, renovated home can also have a positive effect on my overall mental health as well as....well, it was just really needed at this point.
Anywho, I hope everyone has had a nice week :)
My place is coming together pretty nicely. Not done, but getting there. There is just SO MUCH DUST. I have never known that this much dust exists and I am really getting fed up of cleaning for hours and still finding dust at a lot of places. :D
Other than that tho, I just miss my laptop I guess, but I do not want to have it out while there is still so much dust going around but I will be able to actually have it back and set it up properly soon!
@redmark
just wanted to stop by and say it's good to see you, hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread ❤️
Hey there @crimsonLime6525 *offering safe hugs*
It is soooo nivce to hear from you. Sorry for the slow response tho. If everything goes according to plans I will be able to finally put my room back together and stuff can go back to normal sooo, hopefully this is the last week like this and there will be no long delays in replies like this :)
I hope you have a good week so far either way :)
Hey Red! Congratulations on the remodel :) I bet it will be nice to have your space back - fingers crossed that the plans stick to the plans
I like your new picture :)
@mytwistedsoul Wellp, things have not got according to plan. My door was somewhat slanted so I was to replace it anyway buuut not I have to replace it ASAP. Thing is, I have got a new carpet which is thicker than my old one, meaning that my door, being slanted, gets stuck on it sooo....if I want to have my door up, which I need, since there will be still some dust in the house, I had to roll back my carpet a bit so much so that I cannot build my new wardrobe yet and the old one is already out. Sooooo....right now I have the carpet rolled back at like a third of my room with clothes and stuff all over the place which would be in my wardrobe otherwise and a still slanted door.
But to be fair, it is not that bad, I have like a little path in my room between all the stuff on my carpet now, so I can get to like my table with the laptop and to tmy bad and whatever, it's functional but pretty ugly still :D
Also, thank you, I am glad that you like my picture :)
I do not exactly have much to say today. Instead I feel like just sharing some songs. I mean, I have always wanted to just share songs with people and....well, this is my thraed, so every once in a while, I can do so, I suppose. :)
Oceans of Slumber - The Colors of Grace
The Ocean - Jurassic | Cretaceous (feat. Jonas Renkse of Katatonia)
Ihsahn - Celestial Violence
Draconian - Stellar Tombs - mild trigger warnings for the video clip here at around 4:10 for a second or two
Novembers Doom - Zephyr
I have no idea how to just post to a thread in the app, I have only found the reply option so I am leaving this here in a reply.
@NoneTheWiser I have been thinking and, as long as the Trauma team is okay with it as well, I would like to offer to, if and when you may want to, cover a week or two of your check-ins and other tasks even. Up to you tho, but if you feel like you want to just try to step away for a week or two for Self-care or just to try it out how it feels, feel free to let me know and we can arrange it.
Also just want you to know that you are awesome :P