My Journal

I have been thinking more and more about this one little memory from like when I was around 10 or 11 maybe...

In primary school (age 6-14 in Hungary is primary school) I have kind of messed up early on and isolated myself socially by being just an arrogant little brat, bragging about how smart I am and such. I mean, I have learned the lesson but I sort of have distanced myself at that point from the others.

All this, until we have just had a new kid coming to our class - he has failed his class a previous year, so he was repeating a year. I am not exactly sure how or why but we have become very close friends, so much so that he was my best friend for most of my life from that point on.

I was a really, like, touchy person back then, hugging him and what-not. You know, just like I am now in here but in real life without all that stupid anxiety and such. I can imagine that it can be super annoying to someone tho who might not feel as comfortable about things like this and he was uncomfortable about it as well.

So much so that on our end-of-the-year class trip thingy he asked me if we can talk and he asked me to just stop being so touchy and hugging him becuase - quoting him - "everyone will think we are gay". I mean, you know, adolescence and early teenage years are werid, so I do not exactly fault him and I can imagine I could have been annoying.

Either way, I have took his words to heart. Well, first for a month or so and I have stopped, and stopped hard. I mean, I just stopped myself to not do it if I do not want to lose the only friend I had - mind you, this was the time my parents have divorced and my grandfather had his stroke, so all other relationships has seemed to fell apart at that point in time.

It is such a stupid and small thing but it has genuenly changed me. I have stopped hugging him or just putting my hand on his shoulder and such....and I miss such level of, like, intimacy ever since. Like, I have took what he said to heart so much so, that even to this day, I feel anxious just because - plot twist - that kid, going around hugging him, and just generally wanting to hug people, and all that is what is burried under all this anxiety I am just kind of suffering under.

I want to hug people and I want people in my life I can hug and experience this sort of intimacy with. With all the virtual hugs that I give out and receive here....I cannot even recall when was the last time I was hugged or I have hugged someone and I do miss it a lot. It is no one elses fault tho, I need to go out there and just be myself, and find people who are okay with it but after all of these years, it's pretty tough to even start.

Anyway, thank you for reading through all this, if you have got to this point.

There are always so many bits and pieces of like scattered thoughts running through my head. Not really worth venting and even if I try I always just deem them "not enough" to really do anything about them but....actually...just all these scattered thoughts are taking up a whole lot of place and energy in my mind.

I should probably start journaling - like, you know, just write things down, just as they come and then see whatever happens.

I guess this is sort of what anxiety is for me....noise...a lot of noise in my mind, mostly just about what could go wrong or what I might have done wrong...what others would thing....what things I like or do are stupid and weird.

I am not exactly sure what is a good way dealing with these, but I will be figuring something out, or so I hope.

I am soo tired of my father....and I do not think I should be but I am.

With this renovation in the house which is finally actually over and only the clean-up and putting everything back to it's original place is left I of course had to like get some sort of help to move some furnitures around, so they are not in the way and some days when I was working and maybe some help was needed for the professional working and what-not.

I mean, the thing is, my father has came to help, without a question even and I know that I can always count on him and, honestly, he has always been like that, I could always count on him, but...

He is just so negative all the time. Like, always doom and gloom. I have been leaving with him for however many years and while being a good father in the sense of doing so many things for me and always trying to provide to me honestly spending so much time with someone who...I mean, most likely, has some degree of clinical depression and or other issues but refuses to even acknowledge mental health as a thing has left it's mark on me.

Just the fact that even when I was just being by myself in my room I just hear his really bitter sighs and just murmuring things to himself....just all the time. I mean, I am kind of pretty sure that is why music has become such a runaway thing for me, because haedphones were the best way I have had to just do not hear him.

Just hearing the same things, the same sounds, just having his always pessimistic comments around me...I think I would go as far to say that it was triggering me. Triggering a really strong emotional response anyway in me.

I mean, sure, bad things happen in life (and so do good things), they always do, that's how life is and yes, you can dwell on it, you can dwell on how bad your life is for all of those things and...honestly, it is an understandable approach for me in a way but then you can also just show a middle finger to life and just try your best to enjoy it just to spite it - like I try my best to do.

I do not mean to invalidate him or his feelings it's just....it really is something that has left a big mark on me. I have even noticed that when I have had one of my colleagues sighing in the office just for whatever, it has also just had the same very illogical and strong emotional response out of me.

I mean, I am not exactly sure what the point of this post is....I guess just venting. Either way, if you have got this far, thank you!

It might just be that I am tired as well tho. This was a long month with basically having my place blown up for the renovations for bascially a whole month. I will be having a week off of work right after this week, so that is good.

But, on the other hand, this coming week will be the last one of the third financial quarter and all quarter ends at work are absolutely crazy and....yeah, I am already pretty tired so I am not looking forward pushing through that one still before having my week off - finally - from work and just generally everything. I mean,I work from Sunday to Thursday sooo, it will start tomorrow but at least Sundays still are slower a but and Thursday will already be October 1st so all that is left is the three days from Monday to Wednesday.

At least on Monday I will be having lunch on the company's behalf - like they literally ordering food for us for end of quarter to our homes which is pretty awesome. I mean, we will see, but I am tired and I know that I will have a crazy week work-wise so I am kind of anxious a bit about it.

The quarter is over, for me anyway. My shift has ended and it felt nice to log off. I mean, we have been one person down, because of personally issues so I have volunteered to take some extra hours on their behalf so right now I am just tired but, I mean, relieved to have it done :P

My RGB LED strip has finally came in today and...honestly, I am kind of happy how my room and just my place in general has turned out.

I mean, before I have started it I had random cracks running through the old plaster - not the wall luckily, only the plaster on it - big spots where it had just totally shed the paint and you were left with the grey plaster behind it and...well, since it was all coming from just moisture that the wall was not able to properly evaporate, of course, some mold popping up here and there. Also, I had an old really worn-out bed and just and while I was there I have got a new wardrobe as well :D

Only thing left is a new table for my laptop and stuff, but I am yet to pick that out and I am in no rush with that for this room.

So, yep, just look at it now, I mean, it was a lot of hassle, but I seriously feel sooo much better and sooo much more at home finally. It was just worth it.



I mean, I know that this is an unusal post and all, but I am sort of just happy at the moment and I thought I might sahre it here as well :)

I am facing a dilemma right now, and not sure what to do.

I may have posted somewhere about my grandmother but, point is, she is a Jehova's Witness. I generally do not mind if someone is relegious or anything like that as long as you respect me being non-relegious and just generally do not bother others.

Now, with this pandemic, they can not hold their usual gatherings, because of obvious reasons, at their place and instead they have opted out to hold their meetings on tha internet via Zoom. The only issue there is that my grandmother has no idea at all how to use Zoom and she has some problems with her eyes so she can not really learn it either as she cannot see the buttons and all that clearly.

Point is, sometimes I end up helping her out with the technology part of these Zoom meetings because, well, nobody esle does. I just feel increasingly uncomfortable about these tho. I mean, it is one thing that it is, for me at least, pretty boring to sit through these with her but these guys are pretty seriously homophobic. Also, this homophobia is just so casual that honestly makes me feel really uncomfortable at times and honestly my blood boil a bit.

First it qwas just a casual conversation before the whole formal meeting where one of them mentioned that they have seen a rainbow and how sad it is that the gays have stolen it from God. Then today, where they have had a whole like lecture about the morality expected from Jehova's witnesses with a segment exclusively dedicated to how gay man are sinnes - for some reason there were no mentions of lesbians tho, which I found starnge and somewhat fascinating that it was only specifically targeted towards man.

Anyway, I knew about this, that is why I have never came out to my grandmother specifially, because I knew that there is no point to do so but right now she needs helps with these meetings and I am all for helping her, as an elderly relative of mine but I just seriously loathe this kind of homphobic attitude and just makes me feel really just uncomfortable.

I am not sure what to do tho, pretty clearly no one else is willing to go out of their way to help her out and accomodate her special needs due to her poor sight and help her out with these meetings sooo....if I say just straight up no that would put her into a very tough position. Also, given that she does not know about me being gay, you know, I cannot exactly say the reason out either - or, well, maybe it would be time to make a stand.

I don't know, I am just frustrated at the moment.

I don't get banter. Banter between like friends at least.

I mean, I know what it is, but it just always makes me anxious if I am on the receiveng and of it and I just feel way to uncomfortable to "offend" anyone in any way shape or form if it would come to me. The issue is tho that anyone I speak with tells me that it is like an essential part of a good friendship or relationship.

To be fair, I do not have much confidence in myself and that is why it is hard for me to take even friendly banter because it can somehow still push my mind into a dark headspace at times.

Also, I just cannot see myself do deliver banter to someone else, especially not someone I love as a friend, or even more. I mean, I really am just lost with it which doesn't help, given that my social skills are just....well....not the best to start of with.

I ain't doing the best but I probably just need some more sleep, so I am not going to delve into that but instead just share a few songs, because, well, why not?

Also, I have decided that today I am going to stick to Hungarian bands, because lately I have made it to my mission to learn more about my domestic music scene and found some really nice stuff. Albeit, it does mean that there will be songs with Hungarian lyrics below. Still, felt like sharing.

>VVilderness - Sól< - I just love atmospheric black metal.

>Perihelion - Erdő< - I think it is labelled as "avant-garde metal" but, just as the next one will be, it is really a journey on it's own.

>Thy Catafalque - Tsitsushka< - Again, some fun experimental and jazzy approach to metal.

>Dalriada - Táltosok Álma< - These guys are promoting Hungarian folk music and art. They literally had an album of famous Hungarian poems turned into metal songs and it is awesome.

>Down for Whatever - White Light< - This is more of a classic metalcore-ish song. I have discovered them alongside AWS.

>Paddy and the Rats - Join the Riot< - Just some good old fashioned pirate metal/Irish punk for the road to finish it off :P

I do hope everyone is having a nice day ^-^

I do not know what to post. I just feel...weird. Like weirdly anxious lately and probably depressed but can not find the words to really discribe the feeling or my thoughts at the moment. Whenever I try to think on what to post here is just feels like thoughts are rushing by me a million mile an hour and not really able to catch them and put them down in writing.

Like, I am not doing terrible or anything, but that constant backgroung hum of anxiety is just there, which is frustrating and also pretty exhausting. I mean, I am making this post to just make a post right now.

In the past what I have used to do was to just withdraw from everyone when I was going through something I was not able to understand and therefore put into words because, you know, "Why waste their time with it? Once I figure it out I will ask for help or just vent, but until then no need to bother anyone"

I mean,my mind is still stuck in this mode that I am just bother and I should not be wasting others time unless I have something interesting or profound or something like that to say, but somewhere in there a part of me gets lost....whcih is neither profound nor interesting probably, but still a part of me which I struggle to share.

Even writing this, I question myself, if I should just delete this whole thing and just close the tab....again. But, no, instead you will be stuck with me this time, just listening me rambling about...well...nothing, really.