My Journal

Sooo...uhm....last few days were just the heckingest of hecks. So, sorta venting, I suppose?

I have mentioned here briefly that I have managed to mismanage my bloodsugar so much that I have managed to pass out. Even worse, pass out on the cold bathroom tiles. Result was a relatively bad cold and something else. Just that slightly weird feeling when I had to pee.

So first mistake happened there. I have never had a UTI before so I have underestimated it. When I am sick I usually just drink a lot of water and/or tea and get all the rest I can and just sweat things out. It works all time for me, and it's relatively quick.

So, yep, went into this whole thing just by assigning myself bed rest and a lot of liquids. It has worked. The headache, the bodyaches and all those stuff went away relatively quick. But....not the UTI - obviously, but hindsight is 20/20.

What started as a strange feeling turned into a more and more bruning feeling. Around Saturday I have realized I will need to go back to the doctor on Monday when her office will be open again and decided that this was a good learning experience and...yeah, that's it.

Well, that wasn't it. On the night of Saturday my new friend decided to kinda look around a bit more and just check out my bladder. Now, I have only slept about 2, maybe 3 hours that night.

Second mistake here - not keeping any painkillers at home, or meds in general, since "I will not need them anyway".

Sunday, most everything is closed the only GP office open on Sundays is one within the hospital building - but it's still just functions as GP. Still, it kinda scared the heck out of me and anxiety shoot up. Going into the hospital just sucks all around. Even with all that anxiety the pain was just stronger.

Every step just made it worse and worse and the weather was genuinely awful. Really cold, freezing wind, cutting into you with that really awkward rainy snow falling from the sky. Luckily the hospital was is kinda close to me. Still had to wait quite a while there, because apparently I wasn't the only one dealing with stuff like this - according to the doctor who has seen me.

So, I have got my prescription. Next question was - which pharmacy is the one open this weekend. Guess what - the one furthest away from where I live. Two hours to get there, get the meds and get back to home. Chilled to the bone, in pain.

Other bit of cruel twist of faith is that generally I may have been able to ask my father to help me but he has a weird work schedule. He basically works one long day shift, one long night shift, followed by two days off and repeat. So, he was working on Sunday.

I guess, moral of the story is that always, always take UTIs seriously and just take good care of yourself.

Also, I will need to go back to the hospital eventually, 'cause my GP wants some tests done there to really make sure why I have ended up passing out so I will need to go back to the hospital as well.

At least I am finally feeling mostly okay now.

...and that was the first half of my long awaited week and a bit off of work that I was looking forward to with plans and all.

I mean, I cannot really fault anyone and I am doing okay now. I am a problem solver. If I see or face a problem I will look at it as a task to solve it and learn from it not as a hurdle. That's something I pride myself upon.

However, the other side of this is that even if I do end up solving all the problems and growing from them in the end it still leaves me just extremely tired and at least part of me wishing for things to just once go without a problem popping up, once without having to be a problem solver.

And I know, everyone faces problems and I am not really special or anything so why complain? I am just...tired, I guess. Also, I suppose this is not as much "complaining" as just - yeah, this is also a side of mine which I basically never show because...prefectionism and always being the "reliable and patient one" - if that makes sense - and such...

I just wish I wouldn't need to be. Or, I wish I would not always need to be that one...

Soo....here I am an (almost) 31 years old man (well, AMAB person, identifying somewhere on the more feminine side of the NB spectrum but the body is completly male but that's a completely different and looong story...sooo...you know).

Anyway, so: here I am. Wrapped in a really cute, super soft and very warm blanket, hugging a teddy bear, just finished watching some cartoons with some nice hot tea.

I seriously do feel like I just "don't fit into this body" - or don't fit the expectations that should come with my age and the body - at all and as much as I like to kinda highlight those here to maybe help someone else who might be in a similar way feel less alone...it's something that gives me a lot of anxiety.

I mean, the dysphoria is - unfortunately - a given, because of the gender stuff, but also there is a similar feeling of just "not fitting my age" if it makes sense at all.

This whole feeling of just me just not fitting inside my life - or I don't know how to explain it - is such a weird and ever-present one in my life. But I cannot help that this is when I am the happiest, most content in my life when I do things like this...

I don't even know what's the point of this post either. Just venting, probably...

@redmark

Happy Birthday to you! May all your wishes come true! 😊❤

@redmark Alittle rattie here to wish you

Merry Christmas Red ❤️

So, 2022 is almost over. I have been reflecting of this year and, actually, for once this year has been a pretty productive one. I mean, it has a bit of a rocky start but in the middle of it I have really picked up the pace and I do look forward to keeping it up into 2023.

That's not why I am writing this post tho. An other thing I have been reflecting on was the music I have found throughout this year - or the music that has found me. There are so many amazing songs but there is one thing that has actually turned out to be more than just an other song for me.

The song is Mono No Aware by Sylvaine - it's a really amazing atmospheric black metal song, if anyone is into that sorta stuff but... The title has sparked my curiosity, because I have had not idea what "Mono No Aware" is.

Well, Mono No Aware is a pretty important and central piece in Japanese philosophy, with a great effect on their art as well. Art, such as anime, which I like to watch sometimes.



I don't know why but I ended up adapting this term since. Basically, what it is for me is a reminder that each and everything - every painful feeling, every happy moment, every great and sunny day when I am out walking, every day when I am sweating in bed with a high fever, all these are just ephemeral.

If it's something bad, it will pass, so just one more reason to power through it. If it is something great...well, it will still pass and fade into nothingness so I might as well just enjoy those moments to the best I can.

I mean, this may be sounding dumb but I always liked to delve into spirituality and philosophy. One of those weird introvert traits of mine, I suppose. This one, on the surface is not much different from carpe diem or, well, even "YOLO" but given the cultural context to it this - I somehow found it to be just the exact fit for myself.

Also, kinda funny how I keep discovering things like this through music. Like this one, or an other really important one for me In Lak'Ech (song by Persefone).

Anyhooo....stupid rant over. But, I mean, I guess this is what a journal is for...maybe?

So, it is 2023. At work I have to date things sometimes for record keeping and the amount of times I have dated things to 2022 January and had to go back fixing it is way too high... lol

Also, 2022 is over. I have ahd plenty of goals set for 2022 and I have managed to achieve most of them so it is time for 2023 goals. After all, I am slowly but surely picking myself back up from the hole of depression I have managed to fall into in December.

Both setting 2023 goals and just picking myself up kinda given me a bit of time for just self-reflection and I have figured something out about myself. Or rather, I finally managed to put something into words that I was struggling with for a bit already.

No, I don't know if it is an actual term or not but the way I managed to label it is "internalized fat phobia". You know internalized homophobia and transphobia and stuff like that. I mean, I also have some of those too but "internalized fat phobia" is really nailing the...well....nail in the head.

What I mean by it is that over time I have struggled a lot with socializing and could not find any good reason for it because whenever I talked to people they told me that I am likeable and what-not but...well. It took a bit to put together that by being obese I put myself into a serious disadvantage when it comes to first impressions and socializing.

Issue is, I ended up pinning all of my socializing struggles into being fat. Like, all of them. Basically in my mind I am just inferior because of my weight and unless I lose it - of which I am working on - I neither deserve nor will be successful in my social life.

Yeah, basically all that really toxic fat phobic stuff out there on the internet - the ones without any point to them, just pure hatred - I kinda have that internalized and most of my self-worth - or lack thereof - is tied to my weight.

I already kinda knew this I mean, but giving it a name is helping somewhat to be honest.

Well, anyway, with that tangent aside, 2022 goals were about building a safe space and fixing other problems with myself which has felt more urgent at that time. For 2023 however, the goal is socializing and building a social life slowly but surely.

This will be a long year. I mean, obviously I have broken it down to smaller "sub-goals" that I can meassure and such but....yeah.

I am both terrified and kinda hopeful. So, here I am, hoping for a 2023 that will be as successful with my goals at 2022 was.

@redmark Just wanted to say hey :) hope things are going ok in your world Red