My Journal

I am just boring.

I mean, not a good company to have probably anyway. I mean, if I would like anyone to invest time and energy to spend on me, on getting to know me, I have to spark their interest first somehow, don't I?

I mean, all the things that I feel really passionate and enthusiastic about are also things that cause me anxiety to talk about, to show to the outside world. I mean, the things I love, he things that make me me.....like the real me....cause me a whole lot of anxiety to talk about with anyone and therefore I try to only show things on the surface that are generic, and I am not really enthusiastic or passionate about.

I feel kind of trapped. Even though the way out seems quite easy on paper, I would need to capitalize on the things I love, and the person I really am. Visit LGBTQ+ groups, I could go out and try to volunteer to help people in one way or an other in my free time, I am sure that my love for cute things could be a way to connect with people as well....but thinking of it already causing anxiety.

I guess the issue that I have is that I have no support system, and as deep down as I am in this, I would not only need to find the way out of the pit, but I would need to do it alone, while simultaneously also trying to build some sort of support system through actions like that, above.

I mean, probably that is overly dramatic tho, maybe it is just the first few step I would need to take and then a momentum would slowly start to build up....or not. It doesn't matter anyway as long as I just feel petrified, stuck too much to even take the proper first steps.

I think, I will take my time this weekend and I will just get actual ideas together for me, where I could go for a start, what things I could try out to begin with, and at least post it here. Maybe if I write things down here I will feel pressure enough to at least do not let you all down, even if I might allow myself to just let myself down again and again.

I mean, sorry for rambling again here, and if you have, for whatever reason, read through all this, thank you.

So, one thing that I have figured is that if I want to connect with people closer to me, like in my are the best bet would be Facebook. Now....there is just only one issue.

I am not really using Facebook at all and last time I have tried was because one of my online friend wanted to connect with me via FB and, well, let's just say it has not went well.

Like, you have that little chat window popping up - or at least that is how it was back then - and the whole website behind and as we started to talk I have had this feeling grow on me like I was standing in some sort of a lime light and like a thousand eyes are looking at me and everyone just knows I am there aaaand...well, took me like 30 seconds to just get totally overwhelmed by anxiety.

This has not changed too much ever since, it seems. I mean, I guess, it is pretty stupid to get so overwhelmed and more or less an anxiety attack because of a website but.....I just feel like I am not compatible with Facebook. Sadly tho, I am not sure how else I could connect with people nearby, in Hungary - right now at least, with physical contact being very limited.

It just annoys me, I guess. It should be simple, but it isn't for me. I know it is irrational and all that but still can get me...

I might just try to push through it...maybe.

I mean, not the best of update to you all, but I promised you an update at least, so this is where I am at right now.

I hope you are all having a nice day!

I am doing okay, not much to share, my week just turned out pretty busy, but tomorrow is already "weekend" for me - as I work from Sunday to Thursday.

I think I should take better care of my health, and I am not talking about working out and eating healthy - which I try to do lately with some set-backs here and there. I mean, you know, we have free health-care here in Hungary - or at least one we pay for by out taxes - and, still, I can not even recall when was the last time I have seen a doctor.

Not that I have any big issue that but given that I was and still am pretty overweight for most of my life it would probably warrant a visit to my doctor more often than once every 5 year, even for only a check-up. I do check my blood pressure and every once in a while my blood sugar as well, but still....

I mean, to be fair, I am not even sure who is my doctor at this point. I do also have some small things which are....more of an minor inconvenince than anything else, but still, something that a doctor could help me with and no one else really.

I think I have kind of picked it up from my father. He was also going into work and all that even being sick, as long as he could stand and do his job and, to an extent, I am the same. Only thing I check is fever, because if I have that I do not go outside in general, because I do not want to infect anyone, but if no fever is there I just go for it.

That means, I have not taken off any sick days at work, ever. Also, I have taken like a week off sick altogether at school. Not counting when my mental health got so bad that I have not even showed up at the university for like a month and had to make that semester a "passive" one but....you know, that's different.

Not right now, of course, but once this whole pandemic thing is clearing up I should definitely go for it, and see my doctor I think. It just gives me an immense level of anxiety to think about it and I have no idea why.

Yeah, it's probably stupid, but it is something else on my to-do list, I think.

This place, this journal thread, is definitely a new experience for me.

Most of my life is a constant race to "prove my worth" because, well, deep inside, I still feel like I am worthless, unless I am proving myself otherwise.

It has motivated me to achieve many things in life, so it is not all that bad, and it is still pushing me to better myself and give 100 ... or even try to give 110% some times. I mean, it has it's results, but generally not the most healthy attitude, since anytime I fail or make a mistake at something it just tears into me, as I have failed to prove my worth and it just feels like my worthlessness and uselssness has been exposed.

Not this thread tho. I mean, here on 7Cups I have had like one or two chats with a listener when I have first logged in, headed to the chatrooms and started to make myself useful because...that is how my mind works. With the check-ins, same thing. Only time when I have really shared about my struggles was when I have felt like showing that sort of vulnarability might make others feel more comfortable to share whatever is on their mind and to not make people feel alone.
Not that I regret any of it to be fair, but also have to admit that, in a way, it just helped to ignore this underlying problem.

This thread, however, I am posting most things for myself. I mean, of course, I am really glad for anyone who might read these, but generally these posts are not made to prove my worth, to be useful for someone, for some reason. This is just me being me and showing it to this small segment of the world.

I mean, it is a strange experience, to be fair. I do not know where to put it, but I actually enjoy it. Just having a place to unravel my tangled mind a bit and to even have some people who may leave it. Of course, at the same time I am still worreid posting things like this that I might just be wasting people's time but, compared to before, I am still actually doing it so, that is something. At least self-care wise it is a step into the right direction.

Well, I hope this makes sense anyways, it is kind of hard to put this into words exactly, but I have tried my best.

That friend of mine, the one I have wrote extensively about above a little while ago has just popped in today to say hi. I mean, sad thing is that we have drifted apart in the last few years with a few attempts here and there to reconnect but not really succeeding and I think it is...well, my fault.

I am just thinking about what I have written down above here and, I just want to kind of tell about him the whole thing. I mean, I am not sure what difference it would make and it is not that I want to guilt trip him or anything because, as I have explained above I can understand that it can be kind of annoying somebody being so touchy and hugging you and what-not.

Just kind of want him to know anyway and do whatever he wants to do with that information. In fact, I feel like until do so and, you know, can kind of be open and move on with him this thing will always be on the back of my mind making it sort-of impossible to reconnect with him. And I want to try to reconnect, like being honest about all of this and see if it can work...or, you know, if it isn't, that would be a sort of closure as well.

This would kind of maybe propably one hundred and eleven pecent absolutely certainly would need me to come out to him which is terrifying, to be fair. I mean, just thinking of it that a few years ago I have considered myself to be out of the closet because my dad is okay with it but literally noone else ever knew about it, is kind of funny to look back to.

Yeah, I am very much in the closet, I have just let my father to peek in there and that's all, but closed back the door right after. So, yep, this is where I am right now. Being anxious as all heck and thinking about all sorts of stuff.

I hope you are having a nice week tho

All this thinking is making me depressed honestly. My brain somehow keeps landing and pondering on what if my life is just too messed up and beyond repair and that is a thought that I....do not lik to think about.

I mean, I am turning 29 in a tiny bit more than a month but now things just feel like I am back to square one. So many people already know me based on the mask I wear and it feels to put this sort of pressure on me to just keep it up....just for one more day....every single day just for one more day.

Something that gives me hope tho is my experience here. I remember that we have had someone in the LGBTQ+ community who was already in her late 40s and early 50s with a family while she was actually transitioning to become the women she always was. I mean, if she can do it....I should be able to do what I have to as well. Coming out and all.

It is just so damn tough sometimes...

Some days and weeks are just tougher than others. I haven't really been getting much done this week other than work and a just making sure that the house is not running. I don't know why, I am just feeling....overwhelmed with a lot of self-doubt and anxiety because, trust me, I want to change, I want to be open about who I really am but I am just terrified and all these thoughts constantly bombarding me about all possible bad outcome do not help either.

No one can really do this one for me tho, it's something I will have to get done but it's really hard sometimes....like, right at this very moment....

I want to take better care of myself, like physically and I can actually do it, like starting tomorrow. ("starting tomorrow" because it is already 11 PM here, not as procrastination)

Things I want to do:
1. Just eat less in general. I have been doing it and it has helped me losing weight, but lately I have been eating way too much again. Eating is sort of a coping thing for me, I think, if it makes sense but I will have to change it. I am pretty fat, obese even maybe. I should probably also get a scale finally, just for accountability.

2. Skin care. I have been just looking at my face the other day in the mirror and my skin is...well, defeinitely needs some care. I have never ever used any lotion or whatsoever tho, I have always looked at it as not "manly", whatever that means but my skin deserves to be taken care of.

3. More fresh air. I mean, just opening windows more than once a week, go out to the yard, maybe even go for some walks. I used to do those but lately not that much and it does not help with my mental health either.

4. My hair. I want long hair, I always wanted, but never know how to take care of it. It has always become messy, with random locks just doing there own things and making the whole thing look awful. I am sure you can have those figured out, if I just put some effort into it.

5. Probably exercising. It's something I haven't really done for a while once again. I mean, I have never been exercising, but used to go out and play football with this local group of people but that is not really a thing anymore with the pandemic, so something in place of that would be nice.

I mean, my current mindset is that I either start to make changes to my life or....well...I don't exactly like it as is and do not value it or myself for much as is. Kinda in a do or...if I can't then probably give up, in general. I am not there yet tho, I am on the floor but I want to try to stand back up.

Anxiety is still there tho. I know that these are generally positive changes, but I am just here worrying about what people will think about me if they notice and see all these things, of me doing these. I mean, I know I would get some questions about it, what I am doing and why I am doing it and it terrifies me. I don't know why.

Anyway, I feel like these are achiavable goals, and I want to go for at least 4 out 5 until the end of this year. Making this post for accountability, I guess. I want to make small posts here about my "progress" for myself and for anybody who might care.

I suppose the first day is always the "easiest" when you make some of these big decisions to change your life style. I have been doing well for now at least.

I am trying to not restrict myself of any food, but just using my old trick of eating half of the the meal I would and if I feel hungry still I can eat more. It has worked out for today. Anyway, I know that it might be triggering for some with ED of me talking about things like this, so cutting it short here.

I have also started looking into skin care stuff. I am not exactly sure where to start with that but seems interesting for now at least and from what I have heard it can actually become almost like a little mental self-care thing as well of just taking that time for yourself.... I will see about that.

I have not really been out on the fresh air too much but....well, tomorrow I will try to do that as well. I have less time today actually, because of a change in my shift because of Thanksgiving I will start earlier tomorrow so I will have to go to bed early today.

Talking of which, I will actually go to bed early today, no excuses.

Also, exeecise might be a bit tough. I am quite heavy as of right now and with this office job I have not been using my muscles as much as I wanted to, so quite week as well so struggling a bit with calisthenics stuff which would use my body weight. I will see tho.

That's it so far at least. I mean, you are the unlucky ones who will have to read through things like this for a while now because the only thing I feel like can motivate me if I trick my mind into beleiving I have to do it for others, to not let them down...

The good thing is that I have heard that these things can become almost even a habit given some time and cease to be a task. Hopefully, anyways.