My Journal

My mind is super weird. Like, I have been thinking so much lately about some tough topics on my mind and...for whatever reason, whenever I think about or try to talk about something that is deeply distresses me my mind is like "Okay, it's time to smile. Chuckle, even!".

I mean, it's tough because I feel invalidated by my own mind. Like, there is a big difference of me saying that "I am raelly suffering here" and me saying that "lol, I am really suffering here :D". Like, you know.

And I mean, I have been thinking through so many tough things and just feelings lately. Like the fact that my nihilist, somewhat like low-key suicidal mindset is and thoughts are getting stronger is something that is deeply concerning me. To calrify tho, I am in control, still, but there are just more of these to keep control of lately.

But yeeh, again, here I am, with like a wide smile on my face while I am typing it out and I have literally no idea why and it does really just feel invalidating by my own brain, if it makes any sense.

Probably this all is just stupid....I mean, not that being stupid and a mess is anything new from me, but still, sometimes I wish I would less of a mess.

I overthink a whole lot. Like, uh, I am usually just doing stuff a lot of times to keep my mind busy with something to keep it from running completely wild overthinking everything. It's tough.

I mean, I try to stop myself and just remind myself to not overthink stuff but then I end up overthinking if I have been overthinking something or not. I mean, I am not sure if it has really helped anyone in a situation like this, like just the advice "Stop overthinking things". It does definitely not help me tho, it's just too...vague, I think.

But lately I have found something more like tangible that helps me. I mean, it's kinda weird, but I though I would share it here. Maybe some of you find it helpful as well.

It's the philosophical concept called "Occam's razor". It's basically a rule of thumb in philosophy, which basically suggests that the simpler solution or explanation, the one uses the less assumptions, is the most likely to be best option. I have noticed that this also works in general terms as well in life, to try to think simple and go with the simpler explanations or solutions. I mean, they are not necessarily always the right solutions, but have a higher likelyhood to be one.

It just helps me keep grounded lately that I just remind myself to this, to "Occam's razor", whenever I catch myself making assumptions and jumping through a bunch of mental loops just to somehow always arrive to the conclusion that the world hates me and everybody just tolerates me rather than like having me around. You know, that kind of stuff.. I mean, much more helpful than just trying to yell at myself mentally to "Stop overthinking ffs!" anyway.

So, you know, as weird it is, I though I share it so someone might find it helpful as well.

I have been taking last week off of work. Also...well, I mean, I do not know about you, but sometimes I really just have this "Please stop the world, I need a break" sort of mood. So, I have acted upon it, I have just crammed and got most of everyting done at the end of last Monday and really have just taken a brea from everything last week.

I mean, yeah, I have kind of did my disappearing act here again, but...I really needed some break like this. I mean, it helped, just to feel a bit more relaxed. Of course, two days back at work now and some other responsibilities catching up with me around the house that I was just pushing a bit away while I was having this break and the stress is back.

I mean, at this point I just kind of assume that this stress is just kinda how life works. It's more that I rarely get to release all this built up stress. Probably something to work on in the future....

Anyway, sorry for disappearing a bit, I am back now...again...to annoy all of you :P

This will be a short one but...actually, I have had an interesting experience today. Like the good kind of interesting.

As I have shared some posts ago I am on my way to lose some weight but there just been a new like food take-away place opening in the city and I really wanted to just go out and check it out and get some food from them.

Of course, as you would expect all sorts of like anxious and self-deprecating thoughts popped up into my mind and got me unsure if I really should go out because, "why do I want to do it anyway?" and such. But, then at one point I have just literally said/tought to all these thoughts that "Because I can. F*ck you!" instead of trying to reason with them and than they were just gone and I have went out as a one time thing and got some pretty nice food.

I mean, I guess it is weird that this is like news worth to share, but for a second I was just able to be in control of these intrusive and annoying thoughts always popping up in my head and it was nice. I have even been assertive - which, I usually am not - so, you know, it was interesting, in the good kind of a way.

So...it's that time of the year again, it's (almost) Christmas. Jolly, happy, and merry times. I always try hard to make the most out of it. By my nature I just want to love a holiday which is ...supposed to be at least...about love and that childlike wonder of just looking at the pretty lights and ornaments and just be there and live in the moment.

It never really works out for me somehow. I am not sure why. I mean, my family is....kind of a mess, with a whole lot of issues so that's probably one reason to it. After all you should spend this time with your family, with your loved ones and that's already an issue for me.

Also, some bad memories. I mean, they are samll things, things that should probably not have that big of an effect on me at this current day and age. I don't honestly know...

Maybe it is that I try so hard and work so hard to make it happen that the Christmas spirit just kind of gets lost in there, inbetween all that work I try to put into it all the time as well.

Either way, I feel it already catching up on me. This dark and empty feeling, dragging me down. Of course, I will keep up the facade. There is no one really around me - in "real life" that is - who I would trust opening up and who would care and I will make it through this. Also, it is end of the year, so right after Christmas things will be really busy.

But, I guess this post is just to say that I do really wish that I will have a Christmas sometimes in the future when I could be genuenly just happy, in this Christmas spirit. Or, I guess, at least someone to share these doubts and feelings with if they ever come up again. Maybe next Christmas I will already have a reason that will keep me happy through all this or just someone to really talk to about this.

I don't know. I can always hope tho.

Hello!

I am still around. I do not know what to say, but I am still around. I am feeling down a bit because...well, Chrsitmas and all that still has such an effect on me that it can hit me strong for whatever reason and it takes a bit to just shake it off. Working on it tho.

Still, I just wanted to say hi to whoever might be reading it, even if I do not really have much else to say at the moment.

I hope you are having a good start to your year so far.

Hello!

I have just seen and had so many people come and go here. People I have cared for and even loved. People I have spent quite some meaningful quite some meaningful time with here - in the chatrooms or in the forums.

I mean, it is the nature of this site and to be a honest a lot of them has left because they have felt better at the end and it is a really great feeling to help others and that was always a sort of pride for me that I am able to help people and just connect with them the way I do. Honestly, I am happy for them, for all those who have got better or just been able to vent whatever was on their mind and move on or others who have found better help for themselves outsisde of this place and moved on because of it.

But....lately I have started to notice for myself that I have a really hard time getting like attached to people as I have started my own journey of socializing and I have really had no idea whay. I mean, after all, I am great at like connecting with people and they seem to appreciate it.

I just had this like realization not so long ago tho, that this place has left a weird sot of a mark on me, on the way I think. My mind is just trying to not get attached to people too much knowing that people I ended up caring about deeply usually just come and go in my life a lot, like a lot lot.

I am not saying that this is the fault of this place, I think I should have set some better boundaries here at the first place honestly but, well, I mean, I am not sure if anyone can relate at all to this, but just wanted to write this down anyway.

@redmark Hey Red :) How are you? You popped into my thoughts. I hope things are going ok for you

Just dropping off a hug in case you need or want one. You've been in my thoughts and I hope you're doing ok

Be gentle with yourself Red :)

I am not sure why I am here right now. I think I have felt the need to post at least an update here, or something. Left without anything really...

Things are not perfect but they are definitely improving for me. Actually, doing better than I used to even if there is still a long way to go. This place has meant a lot to me and still does is just don't have the time and more importantly the energy for it for a bit now.

I miss it tho and I miss people from here. Doubt anyone will read this and even if anyone does, maybe I will just end up hurting them by stirring up memories and emtions. I don't know.

I will be checking back here in the coming few days tho, so if anyone is reading this and wants to talk about anything or ask, I guess this thread is open for that.

I will most likely disappear again in a week or so and as much as I would like to promise to post some updates more often I just do not want to make that promise, since I am not sure I can keep it.

I mean, sappy and all, but love you guys, and hope you are all having an amazing year and life in spite of all this crazy stuff going on in the world. ❤️