My Journal

I kinda just jotted this down, so it's kinda messy and all over the place. But anway,

So, some stuff I feel like writing down. I feel like I've given up on who I used to be. And the person I was, was really, really smart. I could've gone back to who I was, but I was crippled with indecision on what to work on. There are more than what I list here, but one was thinking back to a "topic' that I had during that time. Another was thinking back to how I got into such deep thinking in the first place. But I didn't do it. Always afraid that I'd forget the other.

I was super anti-social. Didn't need anybody, but recently I feel as if I need to vent all the time.

I got this way because of several reasons. Since at least middle school, I was super anxious about the future, always worried that I wouldn't be able to support myself. That I'd never be able to learn basic, essential life skills. When it came to learning to drive, I was absolutely awful. I couldn't listen properly to a word my instructor was saying. I couldn't pay attention to the road very well at all. When I couldn't pay attention, sometimes I'd think about a video game I was recently playing that I loved (this'll be more relevant later) Falling the driving portion didn't help me feel any better about the future. How the heck was I gonna go through life without knowing how to drive? Much later, I was diagnosed with autism, which maybe would've helped me to not feel so awful if I knew that at this time.

Now, I thought a lot about stuff before. But the same video game that I thought of during Driver's ed, helped me get into even "deeper" thinking. I put quotations around it, because I'm not sure that completely accurately describes how I thought. You see, I was always watched lots of let's-players. I often got games after I'd watched a youtuber already play some of it. Because of that, I always felt like some of my thoughts and opinions weren't my own, for example, liking a character, or thinking deeply about one subject in the game. To say I loved a certain character when I felt like I was maybe just coping some one else's thoughts, made me think I'd be a fake fan for expressing how much I liked that character. So, this game was very special to me. And a certain character within that game, was very special to me too. I felt like I could love them all that I wanted. And I thought very deeply about the game. I started thinking deeply on problems that might not even exist within the game. And this thinking, I think, led to me becoming very very smart.

It kinda hurts that I cannot describe how I thought/what type of thinking that I thought, if that makes any sense at all.

It's getting late, maybe I'll continue this this later.

I'm 41 years old and have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 14. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of the medication management, not being able to afford a counselor, the extreme ups and downs and insomnia. I'm tired of going from sunshine and technicolor to shrouded darkness and grays. The body aches, the lethargy, the foggy brain. I go from being an intelligent, strong, and capable women to a 5 year old that needs to be reminded to take a nap and take a shower. I'm over it. Our brains are so complicated. It's difficult to articulate my thoughts and feelings when I'm in a dark place.