My Writing

Your trapped. Your trapped in a tiny box, in the smallest of cages. You hear noise. No real discernible sound. Just noise. Noise so loud it fills your eardrums and clouds your mind, you try to think of something else, anything else, but the sound wont let you. The walls close in. And, oh, you thought you were trapped before but now youre really stuck. Now there really is no way to escape. Except up. But you cant seem to find the strength to stand. And the walls squeeze you in so tight you cant help but burst from the seams, you spill like an overflowing sink. And the walls steal the air from your lungs and tear your heart from your chest and your nothing but an empty shell on the ground and the noise keeps getting louder and louder and theres nothing you can do to stop it. And youre trapped, theres no where to go you cant breathe you cant think you cant… and all of a sudden, its silent. And shes there. Standing right beside you. And youre okay, at least… you will be okay.

I cant do this! I cant focus I cant… Its only 10:20 in the morning and Ive already given up. Its only 10:20 in the morning and Im already on the verge of a meltdown, Its only 10:20 and Ive already had a meltdown, Its only 10:20 in the morning and Ive already decided that I cant do this! Its only 10:20 in the morning and I have cried twice already, Its 10:20 in the morning and I havent gotten anything done! Its 10:20 in the morning and I cant do this! Its only 10:20 in the morning and I havent even taken a chance to breathe… Its only 10:20 in the morning. Its only 10:20 in the morning I can still do this. I can still give myself a chance to breathe. Its only 10:20 in the morning.

There is a fog. In my mind, surronding my body, squeezing the air out of my lungs. This fog swirls around my legs and takes control of my hands and arms. I let it. Because what else can I do? It clouds my vision, disrupts my senses till all that I hear, see, smell, feel, taste, and think about, is fog. The fog suffocates me. It tricks me into thinking it is giving me comfort and protection. But in reality it is killing me. In reality the fog does not exist of course. In reality it is a simple metaphor. A metaphor for what, well, thats up to the reader. In reality the fog does not really exist but it feels so real you can almost see it. Of course you're mind is playing tricks on you. The fog does not really exist, so there is no way you could see it. Right?

When I was younger, not many years less than what I am now, but far less mature, I knew a boy. I would like to call him my friend, but he was some years older and I, as stated previously, wasn't very mature, it is unclear to me whether he saw me as a friend. Nonetheless I enjoyed his company. There was one thing I didn't understand about him though, it seems trivial now, it was then too, but it bothered me. He didn't like children. Well, he was a child wasn't he? I was a child, did he not like me? Though it bothered me then I beleive I understand now. Children are fragile beings. They have an innocence and naivity that I can never go back to. I enjoy being older because I have knowledge, and interests, and can comprehend subjects easier, but they still have something I don't. Children aren't aware of the horrors of life, they haven't been exposed to loneliness and grief. And I long for that. I long for a childhood where I didn't have to grow up too fast. I long for a childhood where I was naive and innocent and didn't know just how miserably cold the world could be. I understand his bitterness now, now that I too have had my innocence snatched away.

(It's far too late and I haven't proof read or edited this so please give me grace for my shortcomings)

I

Tonight I said goodbye to someone who was very close to me. We share many memories, I lived quite a while with her. She brought me a joy no one else could even come close to. She was like no other. I

Just a small warning this one gets a little bleak. It contains implied suicide, depression, and eating disorders. They may be hard to notice for some people but I know as a person who has experience with these it's easy for me to spot. Please stay safe. (Also I am not any harm to myself. This is not an exact representation of my feelings. I am not in any danger to myself).

For a while Ive been wondering, are you okay? I know I havent seen you in years, but how are you? You were an amazing liar back then, do you still have everyone fooled? Do they still think youre okay? Do they see the same things I do when I look back? I realize now you were so far from okay and I wonder, did you ever get help? I need to know because I am far from okay. I understand it now. Ive been recognizing the similarities between you and me, and I hate that I understand it now. I can not believe how blind I was. I cant believe I didnt notice how little you ate, how distant you were from everything and everyone. Most of all I cant believe I didnt realize how much pain you must have been in. Are you better now? Are you even still around? Please tell me if I can get out of this. It gets harder and harder every day to cope I need to know, I have to know, will it get better? Will this be where my story ends? How do I find the strength to go on, will I ever really be okay? What does that even mean! Tell me, please, are you okay?

(I know I should edit this more but I don't want to )