My diary (Kinda)

I've always wanted to be able to write down my thoughts but couldnt in irl, so i guess ill do it on the interent instead :) Also this is more of i personal diary so i dont mind if you read it but i might not make much sense

Ive never actually been diagnosed with anything, hell ive never even talked to anyone about the stuff in my head besides people online. My theory about myself is that ive had high functioning depression for a few years now, body dysphoria, social anxiety (maybe just general anxiety?) and some maybe some other thing cuz a lot of the time i feel to crazy to be considered sane. A lot of the time i feel so trapped in my head and i cant get. Sometimes it feels as if im watching myself in a movie and i think to myself, is this even real? Those moments are so surreal and im so aware of my surroundings and exactly what is happening to me. Like a hyperawareness ability, i honestly dont mind it too much since its kind of aweing and very surreal. I dont really get too suicidal bc i have a lot of hope for myself in the future which i think is very good since i used to not really have this mindset. The only problem tho is im a very self destructive person and will self sabatage myself any moment i get. I want to isolate my self, i want to create problems for myself i didnt have before, i want to do drugs that are really bad and i know will screw up my life and i cant figure out why i get the desire to do these things. Why do i want to destroy my life so bad, is it a silent cry for help? or just a suicide mission in disguise. I dont understand it but i want to scream all the time ive been so locked up i just want to get up and scream and throw a massive fit but i stop myself because i cant possibly do that. Its like two sides of me fight all the time. The bad destructive side always wants me to do something bad, while the good side reasons no i shouldnt do that but it gets really really hard to stop my bad side sometimes. I have no where to go but my head and it feels so limited, i have thoughts swirling in my head 24/7 and im just too hyperaware of everything i do. I want help but i dont exactly know what i need help with. Sometiems when im in a uncomfertable situation my head/vision will freeze and i cant do anything but look at one thing in front of me. I pray for the moment to be over. Why cant i look up? Why cant i get myself to leave? I could try to talk to the people around but honestly im too scared. I dont know how to. If its not in the converstations ive practiced before i dont know where youll go with the converstation and i wont know what to do. The only reason i can force myself to order at restaurants is because i mostly know the drill or formula. Sometimes tho those waiters will throw a curveball at my and ill just freeze or wont know how to respong. Usually ill have someone with me to take over tho. Im pretty quite in real life even tho i got so much in my head. I try art and music but i lack the skills to produce it and it makes me feel frustrated. Sorry this was kinda made no sense i tried to just write my thoughts as i thought them.