My inner self - diary
16.02.2020
* Counting the last few days of university life , feeling miserable after being judged by my roommates of three years.
I was 17 when i realized i something is wrong with me and i need help. When i open up to this my mom she laughed at me. Maybe that was one of the reasons that made me more reserved .
From 17 to 24 a life with depression , made me the numb, hopeless ,worthless ,empty ,lonely person.
My inner demons have made me a zombie out side. The broken girl looks so rude and angry out side.
After trying many medications and therapy ,I've accepted the fact that im not worthy of being happy. I feel jealous when i see happy people. Happiness has became a thing which i can't even sense . Maybe that's why i was never able to get attached or connected to this girls.
Yeah , if i would have felt relived if i opened up to people . But when i myself don't know what's going on my head how can i tell it to others ?
Having an exam tomorrow , feel so depressed that i can't study at all. Depression ruined a big period of my life . And tomorrow im having an important exam. Im scared that i will fail , still im unable to concentrate on my notes. Feeling so hopeless.
17.02.2020
Exam day. I could not study last two days as i was severely depressed . Few more hours to go. I hope i could study and remember few things within this time.
19.02.2020
It's another day. Feeling overwhelmed with the voices inside my head. Im not severely depressed ,still im unable to concentrate when i try to study.
I can't remember exactly from when i started to feel jealous of happy people . But now it has become a usual emotion. I feel bad when people are happy, i feel jealous of people who have a good social life. Im not at all happy with my life and trying to live in the imaginary world I've created inside my head.
Im having the last exam this Saturday, but my concentration level is zero. Some people having fun all around and get good grades. But i have nothing apart from studies . Still i cant concentrate or remember anything .
I will be okay .... i will be ok after listening to few songs , i will be okay if i have a nap, i will be okay if i have a good night sleep, i will be okay by tomorrow.... i will be okay....
everytime i give a false hope and try to calm my mind but the darkness of depression never leaves my mind. However i try to beat my inner demons , i just fail everytime.
#born loser
@loyalEyes9261
I would like to just let you know if i were u i wouldn't even introspect and face myself this bravely and accept what I have become and what got me here. I'd love to chat with you if you have time.
@Sashaa ❤
21.02.2020
Morning 07.05 AM
What's wrong ?
Most of the time when people ask why are you depressed, i have no answer. Mostly i dont even know why I'm sad. Do we really need a reason to be sad ? So isn't it valid if i am sad without a reason?
22.02.2020
11.35 AM
After two stressful weeks feeling a bit relief. But i know this is temporary , tonight i lost myself in a story so i didn't worry about anything else. But i have to face the reality. University life is over, i should think about my future. But im a person with zero self esteem. Whenever i think about a job my depression, anxiety and my insecurities pop up into my head and roar that Im a worthless person.
15.03.2020
Its going to be a month since I came home. I didn't think anything. I had been sleeping and using my phone whole day nothing else. But today i have started to have that feeling of being worthless again.
And im missing him badly. The guy who had been in my life for three months. The guy who made me feel complete ,the guy who made me feel loved. Yeah it was just an online relationship ( I'm not sure if i can call it a relationship). We started talking as two strangers then we became friend. Then ... more than friends. We liked each others presence and kept talking whole day. Am a girl from a restricted cultural and religious background. From the very beginning i knew that i have no future with him. But he was so lovable ,i couldn't restrict myself from being love with him. I wanted him in my real life and i wanted him forever. But unfortunately we are too different to be in love with each other. He is an open minded person im just too narrow minded and too scared do things which make me happy. So, arguments started. Maybe it was his love which wanted me to see some positive changes in me. But i was stubborn, i was scared of religion,culture and society. So finally he blocked me and left. Everything was over. Still I miss you da, i wish i were a girl who can take sole decisions for her own happiness. Maybe im not worthy of your affection and effort. But my feelings for you are true.
