I am a 50 year old female with a lot of unanswered questions and firing on super high anxiety, raw emotion, disappointment, anger, hurt, depression and wanting to run but there os no where to go. I am a bomb waiting to explode. I have had therapy in the past and have mave several attempts on my life. However I I have done, still am doing, to the best of my ability, the necessary steps to keep myself safe. But recently I am being challenged to all that I have come to know. I can first say that I thank god for giving me those past experiences because without them I wouldn't be able to sit here right now and ask for help.
I dont want to ever wake up in ICU again shitting black attached to wires and tubes seeing my momma standing over me crying her eyes out. Or being pulled out of a burning truck that i caught on fire then fastened my belt around the door handles so they couldnt be opened. Feeling like there was no relief from the pain Of this life. Trust and believe I have been kicked around by life and it has beat me down many times but somehow I have have a gurdian angel on my shoulder.
I have issues I struggle with everyday. I used to run to drugs, crack was my best friend for many years. Thats been over 15 years ago. I used to love to fight. Whenever I was hurting or felt like I was being disrespected I immediatly took the physical approach. I wanted orhers to feel the pain I was feeling. I am not that person any more. Physical limitations have me now to where I cant be that strong independant person. I need assistance. In daily activities because as a injured worker I am unable to perform daily tasks. I used to be a Class A commercial Truck driver in the Moving Industry. I am (was) a healty girl ( 5'8",320lbs) solid. Now I am a sedentary overweight arthritic disabled with edema and severe breathing problems. All that is enough to fire up depression. And yes I am not cured of that at all. When I get into a severe funk I sleep for days. Last christmas I slept 11 days straight.
I am frustrated in my current situation trying to help my 33 year old wife (who has an autistic child) deal with her nightmares. I took her to the hospital that got me on the right track.she now does telephone couseling. After every(2x week) call she is worse than before she has started cutting herself. I am so dissapointed that I am being put right back into the old me. Her issues are with a personal violation and it brings up alot of what I used to fuck myself up over. I was rapped by myhusbands brother while i was eight months pregnant.
For many years I ran and ran used and fought trying to get away from that pain. I blamed myself and punished myself. Its been over 35 years ago and it still lurks around but not like before. Until now. I so desperatly want my wife to find peace and forgive herself for something that is not her fault. In the meanwhile I am fighting every minute of everyday to hold back my own overwhelming pain and anger and resentments.
I just dont know how much longer I can hold on.
Dear Lord thank You for letting me smile as I never will forget how I cried.
Treat others as u want to be treated!
For my friend...
Neighbors ...😅
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.