Night Thoughts

There comes a point in time where you finally realize where your unhappiness stems from. And you want to pick up the phone to call someone and cry it out but you don’t.. you can’t. Bc then you’d just have to explain it. And no one will truly ever understand how you feel no matter how much you try to explain it to them. Sometimes it’s just not worth trying to explain, but rather keep it all in. But then you’re quiet, you have a “look” on your face all the time, you have a snappy attitude. And that’s when the questions come. But they don’t ask what’s wrong or if you’re okay. No..instead they ask why you’ve been rude, tell you to fix your attitude, to smile… bc they dont see the pain you’re going through and even if they did they would never understand it.

There’s times where you need to rant, scream, cry but you don’t want to do it alone bc then you hurt yourself by creating scars. No one sees the blood pouring out of your wounds, or the band-aids to cover them up. They see the scars…the aftermath.. and then want to know what happened. Rather than wasting the energy explaining something they wouldn’t care about bc if they cared they would have noticed before, you just make up some work injury excuse.

Home should be a place where you feel safe. Where you can go and know that you have people there who have your back, who you can count on, who you can tell anything to. Instead home is a prison…a place you can’t escape. After almost 22 years you still are treated like a child and you feel like you can’t be your true self bc then you wouldn’t safe. Home is somewhere that you're bullied, a place where you’re constantly screamed at, but yet no one sees you, where everything you do is wrong.. even when it’s right, somewhere you long to escape but they hold you back in any way possible.

The feeling of aloneness is real…it’s terrifying. It’s what I feel now more than ever.. and there’s literally no one I can talk to about it. I’m tired of hearing that it’ll get better with time, I’m tired of hearing that I made it this far already, that it’ll lead me to bigger and better things, that it’s just a rocky path right now. I don’t need to hear any more answers, I just need someone who will listen to everything. All my life I’ve been told it’ll get better, just live your life the way you want, just be you… but they don’t know how hard I have it. And the worst part about it all is it’s nothing I can truly show unless you see/hear it yourself. While nothing is physical, the verbal abuse is worse than ever and I’m scared and i don’t know what to do. I guess all I can do is what I’ve always done.. take it as it is and go one day at a time.