Personal

We talked and we argued and we kept trying to work together and build a life together. But why? You've been unhappy for years, feeling lied to. I was being toxic for years, not being accountable. You got physical... What is there left then? How can I let you back into my heart, unguarded? Is forgiveness allowed in this scenario? Has it gone so far as to no longer be recognizable to anyone, even ourselves, as love?

Why do I think we're in love?

Because of all of the things that are probably signs of codependence. But I wish to forgive you because I want to listen to the songs that remind me of Germany. It hurts a little though now.

Wow... A new thought/perspective... Now maybe those songs are about lies. How sad.

Is that the only reason I wish to forgive... Forgiveness is something you give someone else.

I have to want to forgive him for him. If the love is there... Wtf does that even mean?

What did I think of things before? I thought that no matter how bad things get, he'd never stoop that low, to put his hands on me. I thought that we were in love, that this could last forever, like we actually got it right, and that we truly had something unique and special. But I know abuse isn't love... I'm such a jumble of emotions. Sadness, fear, still those honey-like feelings, anger, and if I'm being honest, even a tlouich of resentment. How can I take the chance (which I know would pay off though in the sense that I believe we can rekindle something but I have no idea if it will ever be the same) when we've trodden all over the concept of what I had previously thought when it comes to our love, and we have lost everything that made us unique.

I guess I continue with "only time will tell" but I also need to know if this was a mental health thing. I think that's the only way I can forgive. That's what I'm thinking now anyways. God it just makes me so sad, all of this. Do I just want to leave? Any sane woman would probably, right? Why would they? They know they can find better. I know I could, meaning I could find someone who fits similarly, but simply never during our course puts his hands on me. They'd leave because they know it could happen again, and suggests things have been wrong for a while. They'd leave because they don't believe this person actually loves them. And I guess that's where I'm at now too. Doubting that he has loved me. But he's in the same place. I guess that shouldn't matter but it does for me in some part of me.

There are parts of me that still scream that letting this go would be a huge mistake. There's another part of me that understands that this may be a door closing (thus "time will tell").