Public Blog: Learning to Let It Out
So I keep getting tasks of writing a post and I find myself looking for a place to write and things to write about, but I have been silent about my thoughts and emotions for the last 4 years. My marriage crumbled in the wake of rapid fire life stressers and I have been mourning it. For 4 years I couldn't find the words to explain how or why everything broke. I couldn't explain my head or heart because I was so confused and shocked. I started opening up here to Noni. I've still not spoken with a Listener, but I have been keeping journals and slowly everything is untangling. I realize my loss and the weight of it, I realize my words and actions that contributed to it, I understand that I made monumental mistakes and I'm paying the price but that life will continue. I am learning to forgive and accept. I set my wasband free and I wish him success and happiness in every aspect of his life. Because I still love him, I wish him peace and fulfillment. This is how I'm learning to cope with my loss and learn to rebuild.
Today finds me in an opposite frame of mind. This is because I stumbled across an email I wrote 4 years ago today. It reminded me of the series of events that led to the demise of my marriage. Yesterday I accepted all blame and was willing to do anything I could, sacrifice anything I could to insure my wasband's continued happiness. Today I recall that he started the arguement that was the catalyst. He needled me into a response. He withdrew after he badgered me into anger. He lit the match and then stepped back and watched it all burn and made no attempt to help control it. Today I am heartbroken and angry. Today I think that no matter what I say the fact remain in the actions - he didn't want me and this was his way out.
Today I feel like the emotional storm is passing through. I feel stronger and more focused.
Today I turned a corner. A plan came from out of the blue. I'm moving back to my hometown and beginning again. New adventure, new opportunities. I've been working on a three month plan. It may not fix my life, but it's forward momentum and my best chance at building what I want rather than accepting what I stumble into.
Working my plan every day. Apprehensive and not sure how I'm going to manage this move and everyone's responses to it. Timing is everything. Trying to nail that timing and the words I'll use.
