Raisin's Diary: On a Journey to Forgive and to be Forgiven

Hi, Raisin's here trying to reach out.

I don't know what to say as a greeting. Um, first of all, although I've installed the app for years, I still haven't figured how to use it, given I rarely spend my time here. I always hesitate to share my story. I'm warming up!

I'm not good at sharing my emotion in real life. I had temper tantrum when I was a kid and develop anger management issues as I grow up. This caused me a lot of embarrassments and hardships so I learned to shut tight that emotional part of me. Initially I had an awful EQ test result, I find it difficult to connect with what others are feelings. But now I'm completely robotic. I couldn't connect with other's feelings nor my own feelings in social situation.

Most of the time I only listen to my friends' stories. When I trust them enough, I tried to share my stories too occassionally, but either it's emotionless, or I showed a completely different tone and facial expression with my story's context. For example, I look awfully cheerful even when telling the hardest period in my life. Ugh I seriously wonder if that looks gross. But anyway obviously as a result, my friends' couldn't engage to my stories. They often dismissed my struggles since I look happy and emotionally stable (I never cry in front of my friend. Little do they know what happened in my household lol. I cry like the Niagara Falls). Therefore I kept feeling misunderstood, and not be taken care of. So I stopped sharing. And I drifted away.

I have a lot of things left unforgiven about my past, mainly revolving around choice of field of expertise in life. I'm in late twenty now but my life is still so messy and unstable. And I couldn't tell my concern to anyone except my husband because if I do I will be so vulnerable and full of anger. Oh yes, surprisingly I found a match and we got married.

I just want to be understood. I want people to care enough to speak their thoughts about me. I'm always so stubborn, so sure of myself, and probably won't listen to anyone, but I'm not perfect, I don't always right. And I feel no one cares enough to give me other perspective (which my husband couldn't help with since he's pretty much my twin at thought department).

I don't know how to be heard. I'm not sure about going to counseling since I talk a ton and it wouldn't fit the 1 hour counseling time. So please kindly let me use this forum to lay down my stories and my maps of thought. Your time reading my mess and replies will mean a lot to me.

Just a little bit of precaution though, I grew up being told I have such an annoying and troubled personality so if I don't please you, I'm genuinely sorry.