Remembering Myself: Surviving Depression

I'm sitting here right now in front of my computer. I've been battling with depression for months, maybe it has been a year, and it has been emotionally draining for me. It is also emotionally and psychologically overwhelming. Honestly, it came to a point that my mind is too fogged up to think. I'm having memory lapses, it will take me a while to remember what I did this morning. This afternoon, in a whim of impulse, I took my debit card, withdrewmoney and treated myself in a nearby eatery. I wasn't able to eat breakfast and lunch, had my first meal of the day at 5 PM. When I got home, I was very sleepy, I actually felt drunk, I can remember myself saying gibberish things but I could not remember the exact words. I went to bed and closed my eyes. Then I heard someone calling me. Honestly, I could not remember if I actually did fell asleep. For the first hour, I could not decipher if the trip to the eatery was real or just some dream. I'm trying to look for a psychiatrist right now, but I'm not sure if I do have some mental illness. I am just, in this point in time, overwhelmed by the various events that took place for the past 2 - 3 - 4 years. Honestly, I could not remember.

It must've started when I was an intern as a nurse in a hospital. I have 2 gal friends. Even though we're friends, but we have this 'competitive' edge in all of us. This time, we were competing for employment in the hospital,so we have to be really good in what we do. I could remember I was sick for days but pressured myself to go on duty. If I file for a leave of absence, that might stain my record and might compromise my chances of getting employed. For days, I fought the bug. Until one day, I collapsed during an afternoon endorsement. My WBC was dropping, my platelet count below normal, my gums were bleeding, my legs were covered with paetechialrash - I was diagnosed with Dengue Hemorrhagic Fever. And my serum potassium was also dropping that they had to infuse me with 3 cycles of rapid potassium replacement. I was in the hospital for a week. I was frustrated. Still, I wondered about my employment chances. This is in fact one sad thing if you're a nurse in the Philippines. The doctors advised me to rest for a month, because my immune system was still recovering and I might do more damage if I'd go back on duty at the hospital. I was stubborn, I really want to regain my chances of employment. The very next day I immediately went back on duty. The doctors were dumbfounded. That was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life. In the next rotation, I was assigned to care for a person with stage 4 lung cancer and a highly contagious tuberculosis disease. I'm sad because a year later, during a routine Chest Xray, I was diagnosed with Tuberculosis and the bug has formed calcifications on my lungs - a scar that I will have with me for the rest of my life. I'm also sad because, of all people, my best friend was hired - not me. I mean, I sacrificed so much for that hospital - and I couldn't even get employed there. Another staggering aftershock was that I was refused internship at the new hospital I applied at, they would not permit interns having Tuberculosis, I had to be treated first.

I tried to live with the consequences. And less than a year later, I was crying again because my boyfriend broke up with me. You know, that was the most painful thing that had happened in my entire life. I am an illegitimate child and my father died when I was 13, and my mother is a financially abusive person. That, unfortunately, is another sad story.However, nothing is as painful when you've given your heart entirely to one person, when you've loved him so much. He had to leave me - and that led me to a premature relationship with a person I barely care about. Unfortunately, I have fallen into another trap again. The new guy I'm with is a controlling and manipulative boyfriend. I could not just believe how life could do this to me. Right now, he's forcing me to marry him and have children immediately. He's emotionally blackmailing me. At first, he tried to help me recover from the heartache my ex gave me. Then, with his cunning wit, had me in a relationship with him after only having been acquainted for only 1 month and a half. In the first months of the relationship, he showered me with gifts and everything a girlfriend could ask. I thought things we're turning right for me. When he went abroad, he sent me money and gifts and pretty much other fancy things. But, he began to control me. He hated my volunteer job, so he made me quit. He hated my marketing group, so he made me quit. He hated my friends, so he made me cut off my communication with them. He made me delete them on Facebook. He wanted my friends to know that I've deleted them and that satisfied him. Then, he's forcing me to go with him in the abroad, to marry him, and immediately have children. And, I could not have the heart to do that. He keeps saying that he invested in me so much, and given me so much - that it would be selfish of me to withdraw from his offer.

Now, I felt that life has destroyed almost every aspect of me. I'm so sorry for making this very long letter. I'm very depressed right now and it went to the point that I feel so numb to everyday living. I'm set to go with him May 10, and I don't have much time left to think about things - and everyday my mind is too fogged up to know what to do. In the morning I'd wake up confused and pretty much could not remember what I recently did. Honestly, I'm going over the edge.