Sadpencil's room

March 04, 2022 8:39 pm

Sometimes, I have these days where I feel like everything that can go wrong, will. I think that today is one of those days. My friend asked me to do something, and even though I performed the task to the best of my ability, something bad still happened. It was entirely out of our control.

I'm not sure how much I can say, so I'll keeo things incredibly vague. I hope that's okay.

My friend asked me to send them something personal through the mail, and, just as I feared, the post office managed to lose the package. The item inside wasn't exactly priceless, but it did have sentimental value, and now nobody can find it. I did my best to write down their address exactly as they spelled it, and I paid for the proper postage, but it still ended up getting lost.

This loss resulted in them getting into an argument with a relative about wasting money, and I think it got bad. They didn't really tell me. All they said was that they're not on speaking terms right now.

All in one day, the local post office lost an item that was important to both of us, my friend's relationship with their family has worsened, and I feel like I could have, should have done more to prevent this.

I could have tried to send it some other way, rather than relying on an unreliable local post office. I could have waited to send it until that bad feeling went away. I could have just held onto the item for a few more years until I had the money to go meet them in person. I could have done things so differently. But I didn't.

My friend ended up trying to comfort me, but Ishould have been the one comforting them. I feel terrible about what happened, but I can't really think of any ways to make it better when eveyrhting is so far out of my hands at this point. I feel so hopeless tonight.

March 5, 2022 9:47 AM

I'm so tired. Of everything, really.

If i never get out of bed, if I never wake up at all, the day doesn't have to start.

March 7, 2022 12:18 AM

I'm a full time college student. I have a full time job. I'm an older sibling who's often tasked with looking after my younger siblings. Oh, and I'm currently recovering from what could very well have just been the flu (though it seems like it's not going anywhere).

I'm always busy and tired, and my back and head always hurt, and sometimes, it's just difficult to keep my eyes open during the dead time, let alone have a deep conversation with anyone.

I'm so tired. I'm always tired. My body feels half dead at times.

One of my friends is upset right now, though, and said that they're taking it personally, the fact that I can barely stay awake when we chat online. I feel like they were trying to be patient with me, but I don't think they are anymore.

I usually have to get up so early and work for so long as it is. And again, I'm still sick. Sometimes, I just don't have the energy to have a long chat at midnight, particularly when I'm running off of only a few hours of sleep. I just can't. My body can't do that forever.

They logged off maybe an hour ago, and even though I have work all day tomorrow, I can't sleep right now. I'm kind of haunted by the idea that they're taking it personally, my inability to stay awake.

Our schedules are just so different, though. They're on break, or something, i don't know anymore, and they don't have school or work to worry about. I'm trying to juggle both, among other things. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I'm just really upset that they don't see why this is such a big problem.

I'm tired. I'm always tired. And despite not having school or work right now, they seem to prefer to chat super late at night. If we talked earlier in the day, I would have no trouble staying awake, since I'm usually up doing stuff. But sitting at my desk at nearly midnight, I've fallen asleep so often while waiting for a reply, or in the middle of sending my own reply.

I literally can't help it. I'm always busy with something, so it's not as easy to stay awake anymore. Maybe during the summers that will change, but I'm not sure anymore. I can't really look that far ahead right now.

Tonight, I'm just worried about losing one of my only two friends because we live in different areas with drastically different schedules.

I can't keep doing this.

TW: Self harm (I hope I used this correctly...)

Back in 2013/14, I had just started high school, my mom was in the hospital, and I was being physically and sexually harassed by older classmates. Nobody believed me. I ended up hurting one of my classmates to get them to stop. Nobody believed that either.

I was always alone unless someone wanted to ask for money, touch me in uncomfortable ways, or just hurt/insult me.

I started self harm because it was a way to distract myself for a bit. If I'm in a little physical pain, I won't be able to focus on the emotional pain.

Back in 2018, I graduated from a different high school, another place where I was bulllied, abused, and often ended up just hiding and skipping classes in order to be left alone. My parents don't know just how bad it was, or maybe I tried to explain, and they didn't get it. They only know that I barely graduated because I had stopped caring.

I got a job in the mall where I was yelled at by customers and often hated getting up in the morning as a result. I still hadn't made a decision about college, so I ended up staying at this job for nearly a full year.

Two relatives of mine passed away during the time that I had this job, and this was a breaking point for me. I started self harm again as a way of distracting myself. If my arms/legs hurt, and I'm too focused on covering them up, maybe I won't worry about the other stuff as much.

In 2021, I started my second year of college. I'll probably be paying off the loans for a while after I'm done.

Another relative passed away, and this time, I pretty much saw most of it. A slow decline in health. The crying out in pain. The ambulance taking them away for the very last time. I knew it was happening again, but I still wasn't prepared.

I try so hard to hold all of that in, but I still get choked up when I'm by myself.

I've reached a point in life where I don't make friends. I don't get close to anyone, if I can help it. I'll be nice, but no phone numbers. No nicknames. No hangouts after work/class. I can't keep losing people that I've gotten attached to.

The financial status in this household is rough. I'm surprised that no utilities have been disconnected yet. I'm doing my best to help out, working full-time again while in college, but I'm so tired most of the time.

I have mostly A's and one B in my classes, a fact that I wish I could be proud of. I still feel like I'm putting out half-hearted work sometimes.

I rarely have time to just relax or sleep, and when I do, I end up giving my attention to my last two friends. I don't want them to believe that I don't care anymore. I'm not making any new friends, (these friends are from a decade ago), but I don't want to be fully alone. It's selfish, but I can't lose them. They're probably the only ones keeping me alive.

But... I'm tired. I'm breaking again. I rarely have the time to just process things.

I started self harm again back in November, and this time is so much worse. I'm buying shirts that are too big for me because I absolutely need the sleeves to cover everything from the wrists up. No short sleeves. No rolling up said sleeves when I'm hot or about to wash dishes. No short bottoms either.

It's absorbing my every thought, so much so that I actually celebrate a little when I've gone even a few days without doing it.

It's been a little over a week now (maybe eight and a half days?), and I feel like I've only made it this far because my hand is injured, and I can't hold the tool properly without fear of dropping it.

I can't donate blood anymore. I'll probably have a panic attack on the day that I finally have enough free time to go get vaccinated. Rolling up my sleeves attracts unwanted attention and questions, usually from people with similar habits. Theyre the only ones that don't believe me when I blame the marks on my pets or a mishap while cooking.

I'm trying to get better. I'm also trying to use creams and such to get rid of the marks.

The summer weather here is always brutal, and I'm simply not prepared. I'm worried that I'll have to risk heatstroke to keep my secret, all while desperately trying to erase the evidence.

This story... has no ending.. I'm just scared. I'm a danger to myself, and I'm the only one that knows enough to do anything about it. I just don't feel as though I can fix this, though. Not now. I'm so lost.

I don't want help.

I never want help.

I've been made to feel like an inconvenience, or like my plights don't matter.

Now, I can't escape that mindset.

I'm okay.

This is okay.

Everything is okay.

Why do I lie to myself?

The storm roars like a mighty beast.

The skies look down on me in disgust.

They pour themselves out while the sea shreds my little boat.

I'm sinking. Everyone can see that. But drowning is silent.

I'm alone.

Everyone can see me.

I'm alone.

They can all hear me.

I'm alone.

My voice might be louder than the waves.

I'm alone,

All because I'll never try it out again.

I'm not sinking, everything is fine.

Boats don't break, this is all by design.

I'm not drowning. I'm doing what I can.

I'll keep pretending that I have a plan

Tw: Talking about suicide (still not sure if I'm doing this right.)

I just confessed to my friend that I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and that it's difficult to focus on anything else because of it.

I admitted that I've sort of been avoiding them because I don't want to bring them down with me like I have in the past, and like I always seem to.

They didn't seem surprised at all. Just scared. I scared my friend. I'm already not the best person, but I'm horrible for that. They made me promise not to go anywhere. That's either the easiest or most difficult promise that I've ever made. I can't tell. I'm too scared to actually take the necessary steps to ending it, but the thoughts are constantly there.

I keep seeing this... paradise, in a way. Everyone is happy. My parents don't fight anymore, my friend's family is okay again, my surviving relatives are all happy and healthy, everything and everyone is okay again. The only difference is that I'm not there. Nobody even remembers me, which is probably for the better.

I know that I can't go on like this. I can't keep hyping myself up and then scaring myself away. I want to either do it and get it over with or stop thinking about it altogether. I can't keep dealing with the thoughts, being haunted by stuff that I've said or done in the past, traumatized over and over by mere memories of stuff that's happened to me.

It feels like my ship is sinking, but only because I'm the one putting holes in it. My ship was already a weak, ineffective thing, likely made of used paper, but I'm actively causing myself to sink further and further. Nobody can pull me out. I keep pulling them down with me. I didn't mean to. I never meant to.

I just want to stop making people's lives worse. I want them to be okay again so that I can either learn to be okay too or not be anything at all.

I'm tired of going back and forth with myself. I can't go on like this.

I can't speak to anyone properly.

I've never been able to hold a sensible conversation or do anything more than smile, giggle, or nod solemnly at what I feel is the appropriate moment.

I can speak. Like, my voice works well enough (even if I hate what it sounds like), and I can form sentences, but I just... I've never been particularly good with people.

I always feel like I'm saying the wrong thing, or like I sound stupid.

Many people are really polite about it, or simply humor me like the babbling dummy that I am, but the people that bluntly point out when I've missed a social cue or derailed our conversation with my inability to stay on topic... those kinds of people really make this more difficult to deal with.

I get angry at them, of course. Like, it feels awful to have someone point out that I'm terrible at conversations or social interaction as a whole. After that, I can't take it out on anyone other than myself. I'm my own worst enemy. I think and say some really awful things about myself, but it's because I wholeheartedly believe that those things are true.

The self-depricating humor is little more than thinly veiled insults. I'm willfully transparent, like a freshly cleaned window. If people can't see that I hate myself, but that I'm at least trying, then it's because they're blind.

I'm bad with people. I'm... terrible with people.

I prefer the company of my cat, my bamboo plants, and my various machines and computers.

The only problem is that... Sometimes, that doesn't feel like enough.

I don't know what to do.