ScrabbleBrain's ramblyness on family, illness, self esteem
Dear Moi,
Guilt is what plagues me. It just feels so wrong to stand up to you as a family member and say for this moment in time I need a break from you.
I wonder if you'll have the courage to ask Why?
I have been biting my tongue all my life to avoid answering that and hurting your feelings but I can't pretend I'm fine with how you treated me and continue to treat me, as though I'm unlovable.
Home was abusive, dating was abusive. I didn't start loving/respecting myself until I was an adult and still I question my self worth.
I'm making myself sicker not dealing with you and other responsibilities, so I will face it all next week.
The physical pain increases day by day and it's not exertion, it's just from routine things. My voice is cracking and disappearing.
I want to know why you glorify the abusers but yet in your eyes, I'm a disappointment, someone unworthy of your time, consideration and respect?
I trust no-one. I seek affection but run away from it. I continue to hide.. Where it's safe.
@ScrabbleBrain
🥺
💜💕
I'm sorry you were mistreated.
Disrespected.
Hurt.
Your trust betrayed.
Especially by those who are meant to love and protect you.
I'm sorry you weren't seen or heard or appreciated .
I'm sorry they don't take accountability.
They deflect and gaslight.
You have great worth, that's not tied to them.
You matter.
You deserve to be safe, to be happy, to heal, to let the right people into your life.
To let go of guilt that's not yours.
You did nothing wrong.
You deserve to live the life you want 💜💕
@Amanda84 Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and for your kind compassionate response, sharing is so hard but I'm glad I did it.
I just feel pushed to my limits and there was no-one to say.. It's not you, it's them. The more sensitive and withdrawn I became, the worse it got.
I don't know why I was taught to endure verbal abuse and stick around for more, when I wanted healthy relationships, respectful people around me.
When I tried to set boundaries, I got told I was the problem. I was unforgiving. I was cold hearted. I just wanted it to stop.
Healing is ongoing :)
@ScrabbleBrain
They didn't respect your boundaries because it didn't suit them to.
They wanted their own way and your saying no, wasnt a help to them.
You deserve to be spoken to properly.
Respected.
Loved.
To be heard.
They only had their own interests not yours.
We see people's true colours when we stand up to them and stop doing what they want.
They took you for granted.
Healing takes time but you deserve to be free of selfish people who don't have your best interests at heart 💕💜
@Amanda84 Very true. I thought I was supposed fit in and emulate them to be accepted, to be tolerated but then I realised, I didn't want to be like them.
I didn't care anymore. As unacceptable as it was, I wanted to be my own person who was kind to people.
I always think, if you have to squash someone to make yourself feel good, you can't like yourself very much or why do you need to keep them down, afraid they will outshine you effortlessly?
@ScrabbleBrain
Yes, if we are happy in ourselves and content then we:
Uplift.
Compliment.
Are tolerant.
Accepting.
Share the love.
Never tear anyone else down for our own amusement or anyone else's.
It takes admirable strength especially with your own family, to say, no, I dont want this, this is wrong!
They don't listen, so for me, breaking apart or cutting them off is sometimes the only answer. If they listened or evolved it's different but they do not.