Simply... my journal

Anonymity feels safe, good. Let's me breathe like I maybe in a crowd but still alone. Being alone is such a nice thing that can happen to a person.

Ok. Depends. Most of the time I prefer being alone. It's nice to introspect, to ponder. People call it overthinking, and I do it all the time. That's my true identity perhaps.

Why do things happen otherwise? Lessons in life aren't they?

Everything that happens or fails to happen, has a lesson, a reason. Helps you find patterns. It takes time to interpret the patterns, even to see a pattern.

Self criticism

That is where my thoughts wandered to. My inner critic has a stone cold persona, popping out painful questions, highlighting a bit of selfishness in everything I do.

People may see my act as courage, my inner self knows I had no option. People may see my selflessness in letting go, my inner self knows nothing remained to let go.

And people may forget my mistakes, but I still cringe at them, yes I learnt my lesson but the how could I have done that stays with me. So when people butter up my mistakes with their own lies or interpretations, my inner self knows the bitter Truth.

I feel it is this that keeps me the person I am. Often I hear Don't be so hard on yourself. But this is involuntary. These thoughts can't be silenced.

Feeling a little relaxed after a long time.

Maybe accepting situations as they are and looking for alternatives that hurt less suits for now.

Life takes a turn now. It could have been better. But then it wasn't worse. So feeling thankful

Eyes feeling tired and shutting down... after a long time again : )

Childhood imprints manifested as poor relationship choices, reactivity, emotional triggers, attachment style, over functioning, physical pain, nervous system dysfunction, approval seeking, people pleasing, poor boundaries and settling... so goes an insta post.

Everything can be traced to something in the past. An insecure past keeps me viewing everyone with distrust or mistrust.

Thinking about you.

Listening to your songs. Nostalgic.

In a happy way : )

In a little melancholic but happy way...

I wish you understand.

I wish you feel better.

I wish you know you are loved more than you think you are

Change of place in a few more days, both work and home.

Changes are inevitable, but something makes me uncomfortable, maybe that's not the right word or is it?

You wake up and end your day in bed with your body bot going through the same pattern repeated. Even when mind soars high above the clouds with some lofty thoughts, legs take the same path, until you stand before your daily destination.

I complain about the boring day, boring life almost every other day, and still feel scared of a simple change to that routine.

Funny creature I am

A short nap and awake again.

Another tiring day. This is just worsening day by day. I wish the weekend is more peaceful and calm.

I felt calm a little yesterday. But now again the dilemma.

Should I move out?

Financial reasons of concern. But some Day this has to be done. There may rise more other reason for me to leave this place. Maybe this is still better?

A little upset, hurt, and emotional.

I need not be. There was an apology, so I shouldn't be. But then I am hurt. I don't see this as a single incident and brush it away or keep my thoughts to this isolated incident alone.

The crab slows down, moves aimlessly and suddenly buries herself deep down the loose sand.

Where do I draw the line that keeps my brittle heart from getting hurt? When will I be real strong to brush away such incidents?

I was offline past few days. Too many things happened. Not good ones. Very upset. A part of me has changed over these past few days. Lots of anger at the words spit on me. Everything false, just cusses that had no meaning and hurled to make me feel horrible.

And like always, words affect me and each one was a punch to my gut. The words kept intruding my day both at work and home. Concentrating on anything was difficult.

First it was anger, then sarcastic comments on myself, then mind aligning to those comments and hiding. I stopped taking calls, stopped talking to friends. Longtime since I smiled.

And then yesterday I slipped while getting down my station and laughed at myself. I saw my blank face at the glass door and started laughing. That's when I looked good. I blogged after a long time, started writing an article, and it feels good.

Now I am imagining me in the person who hurt me. I feel just pity for them. Not knowing their real needs, choosing the wrong words, actions and reactions. What would I have done in their place?

Definitely not what they did. And, that is all that matters. I don't feel a thing now. I feel better.

I love myself more now <3