Sprout's Diary

I don't usually like to share my thoughts with other people, however Cups has helped with it a lot. I've learned that I don't have to be alone in my worries and thoughts, and it's perfectly okay to not be okay, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm not sure what will happen in the next couple weeks or months, but if anything I want to have some record here and share my thoughts.
I'm trying to make a major change in my life, I reached out to a lot of resources and in the past half a year have collected a lot of information for this. I have a plan, I know what to do, the question is to now do it and can I do it.

I hope to make this change starting tomorrow or sometime this week, however I know it's possible that it can be delayed again, due to my fear of doing it and/or inability to do it due to other life events that I'll have to schedule around.

The point is, I now know, there will never be a good moment to do this. I will never feel comfortable with the decision I make, however I can make my life safer in some ways, hopefully, and maybe in the future I won't be sitting here regretting that I never made it.

It's important, and I might need a lot of support after it, but that's okay, too. The benefits of the situation, however much I try to think they outweigh the bad, do not substantiate the violation of my safety, body, and mind that I have been through. Nothing can ever substantiate, however with time, probably loads of therapy, and support and care from people I choose to care about me, I can work through it.

This may mean that not all of my next 4/8 year goals are accomplished, and that's okay! I can still take care of myself, I can learn better coping skills, I can be truthful and not lie about things, I won't have to hide what happens anymore, and I won't spend anymore nights crying about the decision I'm unable to make and keep relentlessly tearing myself apart over. Yes, I may tell myself I made the wrong decision, I miss the situation I left behind and positives or resources, however the resources have been short-tailed already, the positives are lowering at a frequent rate, and there is almost nothing left for me here anyway, except for my attachments to objects, of which I can always keep the most cherished ones to myself, anyway.

My point is this is probably more than anything a statement to myself to read over and over, so that I know the right answer for myself. No one else can tell me the right answer, but I can look for it, I can examine my life, I can look at the internal conflict I'm facing, and the deterioration of my mental health and realize what needs to be done.

It's normal for me to want to protect the situation because it's become such a "normal" to me, but it's not and if there were a friend to tell something to, I would tell them

It can be so scary, it may feel like the most difficult thing you've ever done, but 10 years from now, even if it seems so far away, you will thank yourself, you will love yourself, you may love your life more than you ever have, but in order to get there you need to do this. You're not a burden, no one thinks you are, you, just like anyone else needing help, reached out for it, and that's okay. Your fear, your worries, and your sadness, all show you how far this has pushed you and hurt you, while you've tried to be brave. But now you need to take that bravery, and put it where it's important to. Take that step to finally care for yourself, truly, and stop hiding how much you've been hurt. You are important, and you are worth it and you can believe it.

Inviting my friends to peruse my thoughts 💙 @SkySeaTurtle @ilikecake22