Tesla's Diary
Hi All,
Just joined and decided to start a diary. I am going to try and post every day, but that may not happen. I think writing about my feelings more often may help me work through some things I am dealing with.
I welcome comments, but can not guarantee I will respond - not out of disrespect or ungratefulness, its just that I'm a serious introvert.
10\16\20 4am
Panic attack. I hate these ones that just happen out of the blue in the middle of the night.
Woke up completely freaked out about my letters of recommendation for my graduate studies. More precisely, the fact that I haven't even requested them. Nevermind the fact that I've procrastinated figuring out where I want to go.
I don't understand why I do this...why I don't think about the stuff that I need to think about and make decisions.
I am having a much better day today than yesterday. Went on the sharing circle this morning when I was freaking out and that helped a lot.
Also, I was told today by my insurance broker (of all people) that I have the best laugh, so that made me feel pretty good, too.
Hopefully, this will carry through for the rest of the day.
@Tesla315 I'm glad you're having a better day. It's great that the sharing circle helped. I haven't gone to any myself. I hope you continue to have a good day
A little down this morning, but mornings can sometimes be hard. I have a lot of school work to get done and that might be part of my source of dread. There's definitely storm clouds in my head this morning. Maybe being aware of them will help me head off any full-blown anxiety or sadness.
It's Sunday, so I can put the NFL on - that always comforting.
So, yesterday we found out because I have no income, I would either have to go on Medicaid or my partner will need to pay full price for insurance for me. He doesn't want me on Medicaid, so there's another $400-$500 we will need to pay each month.
There's a lot more behind this situation, but I just feel guilty now - like a huge burden. Yes, I'm in school and need to concentrate on that and when I finish I'll be making really good money, but I still feel terrible.
We may have a solution - if I take a small, administrative job at his company, then I would qualify for all kinds of tax breaks on the insurance. This is a great idea, but I still feel like a burden :(
So, I haven't been here since Monday. I went to a sharing circle to talk about a small anxiety episode I had today and I realized that coming here helps put me back on track. When I logged in today, I didn't feel particularly frustrated, lost, or depressed. But after sharing, I seemed to get a boost of emotional/mental energy.
It's almost as if I was starting to get stuck, but didn't realize it. Like the hamster in my brain had just kinda decided to start running, but wasn't on the wheel yet. It's hard to explain. Just the act of opening up and supporting others seems to have derailed my destructive thought processes. My brain is clear now. There are no "thinking obstacles". I've cleared the track and can carry on with the stuff I need to do.
I hate it when I feel this way. I've been beating myself up for the past hour about things that really have nothing to do with whether or not I am a good person or smart or are worthy.
At least I recognize that this negative self-talk serves no purpose...that is something. And I am actually angry with myself for starting it. Sitting here putting myself down does nothing to solve problems or even start me in the right direction. It holds me back and clouds my thinking.
Getting this all out makes me feel better. I feel stronger for recognizing the negative self-talk and stopping it before it runs the rest of my day. These bad statements and thoughts about myself are NOT true - I'm not sure why I start down this path sometimes, but I'm stopping now and making my own fork in the path that leads to something helpful and productive.
