The Beginning of the End of Codependency

I've been through something traumatic recently, and the biggest thing that has helped me see the reality of the situation is connecting with others. I'm going to start telling my story here, because it is a long one, and there are so many layers to what happened and to why.

Looking back, there are a lot of times that I was treated in a way that I'm so surprised I accepted. I didn't think of it as abusive, and I didn't think of it as unkind. I felt there was a man in front of me suffering, and that I wasn't communicating well enough, I wasn't getting my point across well enough, I was too slow, too ADHD to understand. Too flawed to really get what he wanted, no matter how hard I tried.

I was desperate to help build the life he wanted so we could live in it together. I craved to see pride in his eyes. He painted for me an amazing world with his big ideas, his take-charge attitude. For a while, I felt hopeful. Eventually, I felt safe. Then, I felt uncertain. Not about us, but about what he wanted, why I couldn't achieve it. I was trying so hard, all of the time. I tried communicating my feelings to him, and was met with anger and defensiveness. I didn't know what else to do, and felt like I had nobody I could talk to. 

Why couldn't I tell my friends? Because I knew he sounded abusive. He already had accused me of playing the victim, made sure I wasn't telling anyone our business. I couldn't explain it to my friends, because I knew if I did, they wouldn't fully understand. They wouldn't take into consideration his internal battle, the demons of his past. They wouldn't let me make excuses for being made to feel so small, and I couldn't get myself to describe  myself as a victim, even accidentally, without feeling shame that I was doing exactly as he accused me of.

My story is one of codependency - of being aware in the moment that something is wrong, but being able to logically tell yourself to ignore it. To feel like the ability to stay silent when you are wronged, so you can put people above you, to be an invisible martyr, is considered to be a superpower. Suffer for those around you, even if they’re making you suffer. It makes you chill, it makes you a good partner. Their happiness becomes your entire life. When you can take care of someone efficiently, when they approve of you, you can be satisfied. 

I’m on step one of this journey, and I’m going to be documenting it here. The wounds are still fresh and raw, so it’s going to be one step at a time. First step is to tell my story.