The only thing left is memories (Ape's diary, no peaking)

@Bearainy

mom's boyfriend always says that “she's good and she's always doing a great job taking care if her threee little sisters”  when ever anyone ask about me. even though I call tye emergency service twice when I was left alone with two kids to take care of at 15...and they aren't even my kids...am only 15...and they are only my half sisters...and T_T...and may I ask; WHAT KINDA OF STUPID “PERFECT ”FAMILY HAS THEIR OLDER DAUGHTER DROP OUT OF SCHOOL AT SEVEN YEARS OLD AND LOOK AFTER THEIR CHILDREN ??!!!!

and guess what? my family keeps linking me with online venting and podcast ...even though I never did anything related to it..and is certainly not in a condition suitable for taking those jobs...and let alone am only 15 yrs old....it's like they keeps telling me to do that and support the family...and it used to...it still makes me feel stressed and guilty and this morning...they said that they are only suggesting and no pressure even though I feel so...hurted and stressed and...was one of the reason I commented a attempt last December....it's like they made mee feel like I'm overreacting

. I feel so distant from ny memories and feelings...it's like I am seeing them from far away and...I wanna keeps saying am fine or amy okay and want people to also know that am lying and am not really okay... And I just find out that I have to go back to the pervious grades to understand chemistry and biology, even though am a 10 grader learning form 7 grade...and everything is so massed up and I feel so bad for I was...nom told me to take care of little sister and keep an eye out for them as they go street venting...and it happens that there are this event hold by the community council...and....I got really....triggered because about two years ago...I had asked for help and reached out to them during which my mom was still physically and emotionally abusing me and I was suicidal....and later on mom knows...and she....got...a little...mom...went mad....she was singing “Life is So perfect”ij the ironic way...she was smiling even though she was not happy and....she said she's....sooo “proud” of me in the most ironic way and....and...she said if my grandma heard what I ahve done...Grandma will be so depressed and kill herself and...that I'm a traitor and the communist community council (which is the one I reached out and the ones who hold the event today) is bad and will forbid mom to teach English and earn money...and....they made me thought tye world was bad...and I can trust no one and....the Communist are bad...but now...After today...I saw them helping ppl and making kids happy....and...maybe they are bad in adults world....but...alll kids my age are told to love our country and love our Communist...and...am bad..Even though the workers from the community was trying to help me, you know...they told me to reach out to the community psychology counselor...which is my current best friend and supporter....they were not bad ppl...they help ppl...and I.....I think I committed a crime for dislike them for so longyou know...the leader recognized me...she called my name and...I didn't answer because I was ashamed for having had a mental breakdown in thier office and...I...

it's just...rn it's emotional...some old feeling like missing something...I guess am dissociative again...and...guilt...and distant thoughts about hurting myself and also there's anxiety, and it's overwhelming

 I'm struggling with my studies, biology and chemistry and everything else. And I feel so bad for having my family have to hire someone to do the chores and taking care of the baby sister. And then, I lost the cash mom given me weeks ago and am worried about the bills, which, eveb though therapist reminded me not to worry, because it's not my business, it's adults business, I'm still...idk. And urges...it's getting a little overwhelming, yesterday I constantly had thoughts about human body parts, and blood and cutting (am not in crisis rn) And there's my sisters and my own behaviors, I used to...hurt my sisters physically and...I feel bad for having traumatized them after mom traumatized them and I feel bad for seeing my younger sister stretching her legs when ever she get fastrinated...it's like ... They seen me self harm.... And...alot more...I haven't been finishing my study tasks I signed myself everyday for months...and I feel so little motivation to study. And how I can't get mad at my mom for what she did because mom was traumatized too. ...

I am doing the best I can.

I am going to be fine.

I am fine.

I'm grateful for having food, shelter and teddy

I had this dream. i was told to pick up sis in it by my mom and I forgot about it and then, as I arrived at the school. I find it so...creepy. It terrified m e out and the background of the dream was realistic, things I seen in real life.

I set off to pick up Anne, but somehow, I forgot and went to some shops and looked for clothes, the shop was bright and it was those buitque shopes for gifts. After waking out of it. I walked in the direction of my dad's office and didn't remember what I was supposed to till I reached the square opposite the International rainbow kindergarten.

I turned back and walked to the direction to my sister's primary school instead pf Anne's kindergarten...I don't know why, but it was a dream. And.

I noticed the school was dark though, and something I heard yesterday n; the ghost of the Greeek God, lingers in me mind. What I noticed most is that there is a kid crying, a months old kid and somone was comforting her...except...idk...the baby still cries, because I'm late, all other children had gone. There were people, people I didn't recognize, and they all star at me, I tryed to act calm....but...it was creepy because they all has their eyes following me. The classroom I picked up sis was not really a classroom, it was like an alter. There's three doors infrout but only infints can walk through them, because it was so small. And the frout was some ugly statue in the middle. Someone was holding my sis hands, so I walked up to them and I took my sis hands. Something stratch my skin, on my way out, the plants infrout of the alter. It was...the kinda of plant that is gree and had no leaves and used for crram and is said to be good for skin health, there's tiny spark on thier titancles. And in my dream there are a huge group of them. I walked sis and myself out, people still start...they look like ghost...

I don't know how but my sis Clair somehow was with us kn the way home, and she told mom that I was lost (?) And to my surprise, mom had turned the steps of picking up Anna into a timetable. I lied and didn't told anyone of them I forgot to pick up sis in the first place....

Claire's primary school is said to once being a cimeirtwry, according to my mom...and...it was where I picked up anna in the dream...The eyes of the ghost....are yellow their faces twisted and the baby didn't stopped crying, it was like in court

Therapy was..ok, except that 1, Turns out I'm in debt of 3900 ￥ therapy fee. 2, I had urges infrout of Adida when she asked for details of why I was not diognoised... 3, I was reminded again That I am in control of my own life and I can make the choices that changes it. 4, remained that I should get to schoold as well as being mor e patronic and become better at Chinese. 5, I was told yo face my problems one tiny bit at a time. 6, I was told that I am making progress on starting to say no, and reject. 7, It's not my fault that I have...ideas about blood

I am worthy of love and I am going to give it to myself unconditional.

I am capable of overcoming the challenges and obstacles in my life.

I am deserving of respect, both from myself and others.

I am grateful for having the strength to keep going.

I am grateful for the people I loved.

I am grateful for love

P.s Adalida says that I made progress by saying that I was only dreading therapy because I have to face what I've been running away from, so, at the bottom of everything; The end of each therapy is deliverance and freedom for Adalida not me

btw, think that post by tree was removed, thank goodness....yeah....time to move forward

2025.3.14

Today is pi day......It's so ...well. Time sliped by without me noticing.....has been a year since I sighed up on 7 Cups. 

So today was ok. It's 11pm as I'm writing this....It's ok because I can't remember why I was upset, why I was so upset earlier......I feel detached.

So, this morning I get up at 6pm as planned I message mom telling her that I will spend the morning at the bakery.....I dropped sis off to school and I visited the river side and sat down to do hw. It was kinda nice, they are alot of people dancing and doing morning exercises, but I didn't...pay attention to them. It was abt nine when I stood up and walked to the bakery, they refurbish the bushes and The rose merry were trimmed. I love Rose Merry. It's like a healing sample of green comforting shade and the dotted purple added to that profound beauty. I packed up a few short headlines and  I bought Thiramsu ....Which made me wouder if its etable at all....because I now itches all over.

I got home at 11 and it was windy, like abt to rain. Claire was at school and everyone else except mom was not in the house. It was ok....everything was fine.

Claire cryed because she can't make anything out of paper after two hours of trying. I was ok.....untill......Untill idk..I was still moody.....I haven't been exactly great for    weeeks since...dk

I've been seeing things. Things not really inthe underground car park, I've been hearing voice telling me to come fourth, I've been using swears alot. i've been waiting to kill,i'vw been really hot tempered and herpsenstive.

I got moody and I somehow said what happened to ppl inthe group chat who....think I should called the police and . I got really upset.

They ended up in my apologies over and kver be shutting up and everyone was still asking where I was. ....mom aksed if anything was bothering me....so I guess I let it show....after all....my mental illness has aggravated in the last couple of weeks.

i tidy up my room, torn up my prize paper and lot other things....

Hadn't been great at all...

....

Think it's liI'm afraid to make friends because I keeos telling them stuff that' makes me wouyder if I should listen to them and call the police but atthe same time think I'm not in a hopeless state as to call the police while my mind argue....over and over....