The worries of a Magpie - comments welcome💚

@WorriedMagpie

Hi, it is very nice you have had your relationship for 13 years. Why leave it now - I don't know, but I guess relationships cannot be on the high mountains always. Why not consult a therapeut in marriage-issue?

You can always come to sharing circle to vent.

I wish you (and your partner) all the best - from Helga.

Today is a lot more positive

The sun is shining

Im sat making art

It's been .. peaceful 💚

Trying to look at things from a different perspective -- "why would you leave now!?" Kinda hit something yesterday, today's a new day and I feel a little brighter

Just wanted it written down that the good days do come 💚

I'm trying to get on and be productive today, I always do this.

I have so many things on my list which have been screaming at me, but I've hit a stopper a blockage.

I don't know why I can't just put something down and move on until it's done, I've been putting off so much until I've done the current task... Phone calls, man I hate them so much, I don't even know why in all my experience I've not really had any bad phone calls. But to tackle my current task I must make phone calls 👎🙃

I said I'd tackle them last week, I said I'd tackle them over the weekend, I said I'd tackle them this morning ... Well now it's midday, and those calls are still not done ... Maybe this afternoon? More likely tomorrow 🙃 but I'll hit peak stress soon and get them done I'm sure 🙃🤔

Sometimes I'm on a winning streak and just make the call as I need to, I know I have that ability need to find someway to evoke it before the anxiety dreams take hold 🙃👎💚

I'll try and update with more productive news today .. maybe .. yet to be seen

😣🙃🐦💚

TRIGGER WARNINGS abound :')

Trauma, Drug abuse, eating disorders, ... probably more >><

This is the stuff going on in my head so please read with care:

Okay so the last few hours havnt gone as planned :/

Instead of making the calls I'm going to "set myself up for success" ... for tommorrow,

man I even asked the sharing circle for encouragment, and they were lovely.. but i suck

I guess today I'm feeling a little unseen, I havent got a support network here in real life, I did for while during lockdown, I was built for that, I think that was the healthiest and happiest I've ever been, free of pressures it was so much easier connecting with everybody online, I even ran a charity event - which id never done before, it felt like i was on the up .. then the real world came crashing back down around me, I went back to work in hospitality terrified of catching covid and lost all the friends I had made, as I just cant keep up with people, i dont know why, its like i trail off of friendships, and then its just been so long I cant message them again, ive lost so many freinds this way.

I used to be so close with my mum, she lives a few hours away and i dont drive so i dont see her all that often, then with the abortion and stuff I just shut down. I coudltn speak to her, she guilted the information out of me and in the process destroyed my trust i guess, its a long story, shes not a bad person, just one doing the best with what shes got, but its only now Ive realised how identity destroying it was. and my dad, thats a totally different story, this is the first year i havnt wished him a happy fathers day, its his birthday next week im not sure ill say anything then either. its not that i wanted to go non contact it just kinda happened, hes really never cared, ive not seen him in person for 2 years now, i need an apology for the thing he did that i just cant move on from without that closure, i cant just pretend im happy to see him.

I think about what he said to me at least once a day, I wonder if he does too, i wonder if he realises how much it hurt - i was so stressed out, I had no contact with my mum, its still pretty strained, and my pet uromastyx was seriously ill, I thought my best friend was going to pass away, like really thought she was gone. Im so grateful i was in a postion to pay for all her treatment and operation, she bounced back so strong with several months of care - he just didnt care, the day, literally the day i was waiting for the phone call, you know the one where they say that your best friend is going to be put down or not, that phone call... he decided to let me know how little of shit he gave about me. so yeah been sat on that for almost a year now yay

its like the glass shatter moment in "how i met your mother" where all of sudden they start realising all these aweful things about the people around them, i had that moment, im not sure really how to recover from it, im working on it, i just dont want to be like them, either of them.

I feel like i've lost my family, i have two younger siblings, much younger, who I just dont have any kind of relationship with, I dont know how to, I was an awesome big sister when i lived at home, I always protected them from my dad, i feel like I abandoned them and for that im not sure I can forgive myself. I dont know how to put it right, but i want to

I cant connect to people in the real world, the problem has only been amplified by the pandemic I realise, I got time to to truly reflect and my childhood trauma truly got the best of me, it took control, i surrounded myself with triggers without realising all in the name "trying to understand myself" without noticing how far down it was dragging me.

It was dad's birthday yesterday, I spent the day thinking about how or what I should do, and if I should even do anything.

I missed father's Day last week on purpose, I wanted to send you a message with my silence, no you're not the "best dad" in fact you have a heck of a lot to work on before you even become a "functioning dad" - I'm not buying into some made up holiday so you can feel guiltless sorry.

I know your not going to change, your about to turn 60 I mean, why would you, you've acted like this my entire life and somehow you still have family around you, like they're scared of leaving in case you do something stupid. - I won't lie, I wished you would sometimes, life would have been so much more peaceful without you in it, but you persist, I know your not a happy man, but I can't do much about that, and to be honest you've never cared that much about my happiness, or mums, or H's or D's ... Unless in all this time we haven't spoke you became a different person ... Doubtful.

You gave up on me so many times I gave up on myself, your my dad, wether I like it or not you still have an effect on me, my behaviour as an adult, my dreams - I think about you each day hoping you'll take the initiative and try to make it right, it really wouldn't take that much, but am I worth it to you?

You have another secret daughter who's older than me, you've never bothered to find out if she's yours, you've spoken to her once in what 15 years? She really dodged a bullet there eh?

You would abandon us all in a heartbeat, no doubt.

At some point I've got to let this anger go, it's been a while now, I want it to be made right not just forgotten, but I'm tired, I'm tired of you, I'm tired of you not caring, or I don't know being too scared or something- dad your nearly 60 surely at this point you've learnt how to say something with at least a little sincerely in your voice, we spoke once between then and now, mum had told you to apologise - that wasn't really the point, and you didn't anyway, I know I need to just say it out loud in person -- you hurt me so much that day you took my heart and stomped on it, I had to "make you feel better" I had to roll over and just play nice - funny that - I didn't and this time you haven't spoke to me since ....

You told me once to grow a pair of balls and just do the thing, so very encouraging btw.....

How about you just grow a pair of balls, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you need to do better, I need you to do better.

I still sent you a birthday message though dad, I still love you

But why forgive?

The easy answer is -- it's easier to not care

It's me that wants the apology, it's easier to give up on what I want than let someone know they've done wrong.

But

Its not that simple

It was the straw that broke the camel's back -- it went so much deeper than that one thing

I'm ready to accept who I am, and how I was made -- part of that is accepting my dad as he is. I think I'm understanding him more these days.

I can only focus on the way I handle it, my wants are important - but nobody is expected to do them.

The anger is/was horrible, it's smaller now. But I don't know if I'm ready to let go of all of it, I know I need to. I think I want to.

Forgiving him now, is forgiving him for everything - accepting him for who he is - and myself. I want this .... I was going to write more but I think that's it.

I want this

Just thinking through some thoughts.

I want to be "true to myself" but there's some stuff in the way it feels like.

I kinda feel like I'm faking it, I mean not fully, I'm proud of the progress I've made, but there's definitely stuff that is still there and needs the work. I guess this is just me working through it.

I still feel annoying, like I bother people more than being them anything, I think this is a muscle that needs working out, it comes with self doubt. I let slip a little bit of me and the instant regret comes with it, I was to be able to act like myself around people just naturally. I'm not sure whats really in my way I think it's tied to being so hung up on what people think, I want everybody to like me, I want to feel useful to them - not wierd I guess? I don't want to go to far one way in case I offend anyone?

Somebody said to me -- "if I wouldn't go to them for advice, why would I care what they think?"

Which is a really solid point. But realllly hard to follow through with. My self worth shouldn't be so wrapped into what people think of me. I need to find a way to build it, but just typing that made me cringe so baby steps need to be found 🤔

I mean even the though of posting this anonymously makes me cringe a little - like maybe I should be focusing on something else, like I'm expecting people to look down on me just for posting this? .... Why?

Because I feel like people expect me to have my shit together?

-- well people are on all different parts of their journey, everybody has there wins and losses and challenges, things they've given up on, things that have given, people aren't all that quick to judge(sometimes) - but the ones that are are not people I'd want to be in the company of anyway. And on the internet, well there always the block button.

Because people think I'm doing it wrong? --- what even is it?

Why would they even care? Unless they care about me, in which case it would come from a place of love and kindness (one would hope)

I'm embarrassed of my progress in ... Everything?

But what is there to actually be embarrassed of? Ive not travelled as much I think I should? -well now that's a bit daft isn't it? Because I earn barely anything?..... I mean, that's something I can work on but not something to be embarrassed of, I still work hard. I'm proud of my work. And my work ethic. Like before, everyones on their own path, who am I even comparing too?

It's normal to have more self worth than that right? My value isn't intrinsically linked to what I earn and my career.

I don't think that about other people why would they think that about me?

Because I'm just faking it for attention?

Yeah .. I'm just working through what's in my head, it's unique to me. Nobody can tell me what's up there but me. Only I can set the pace, granted it would probably be helpful to work through it with a therapist but I don't really have the to make it work. Or am I just not prioritising it, it's not bad enough so I don't really need help? I would if I could.

I've built this character on here that pretends to be kind thoughtful and caring - that's all fake...

But is it though? I've always tried to be kind, I was parentified and became a "councillor" early on, which came with a lot of problems ... But, it also made me into caring and kind person, I seem to just naturally feed off other people's emotions, I find it really easy to put myself in their shoes -- that is me. That's not fake. I never said I had it all worked out, I've not lied about that, I've been honest with myself and my progress and who i am right now -- I'm a work in progress, but then we all are. Why cant I give myself the same allowances?

Just trying to process yesterday

So I had a bit of a rubbish day yesterday, maybe an understatement but only because I couldn't handle it. I got overwhelmed and frustrated and this morning I've woken up feeling the same.

I keep trying to say to myself "I'm at peace .." but I keep then stopping myself for some reason.

My landlord came around yesterday she spent the entire day here doing bits and pieces that I appreciate but, she also did stuff that I didn't ...

My garden .. my garden is /was slowly becoming somewhere I wanted to be I was getting excited to do all the little garden tasks like cleaning it up

But she did that ... Without asking pulled up a bunch of stuff and now I go outside and just get angry. I don't want to feel angry about it, I'm annoyed that it got me so worked up and I'm trying to figure out why but I don't know.

Because it made me feel incompetent?

Because I felt judged?

I wanted to do it myself, is this a even reasonable thing to even be upset about?

I know they were just trying to help, and assumed I "didn't want to garden" but I, guess I just wish they'd asked me before ripping stuff up.

I feel like my feelings were totally dismissed ?

I'm trying to rephrase it in my head to "they have reset it for me"

They've done the easy tasks? - but also mentioned bringing some plants round? - I don't want them to plant my garden, I want to do that. It's all I've wanted to do for so long... I feel like I've put off my want for so long that it got taken away... I'm not okay with that. But it's my own fault. I should have just done it, but maybe I'm right too think they should have asked me?

I know it's not my house I'm only renting, but we've been here for a few years now and are finally starting to nest a little. Maybe I just felt like my peace was being disturbed?

My landlord is a very strong character, she's very strong minded and will just do the thing... Which is why she just did the thing I guess... Thats just who she is. And there's nothing wrong with that, and I really do appreciate some of things she did.

I don't know I feel a bit ... Violated?

But why?

And for some reason my partner is annoyed at me for being annoyed so now I feel like my feelings on the matter are even less valid....

I'm annoyed at me for being annoyed ... I don't need you to be too....

I want to start fresh with the garden I want my feelings of it to be positive, I need to find a way to release that frustration as I feel it bubbling up, figure out it's why and let it go.

I felt confined to one room yesterday, and couldn't relax in my own home, I think that added to the sensation of "get the fuck out of my house!" ....I'm really happy she came, she sorted all the sealant in the bathroom and it looks so so much better. But they were here for 7 hours, which was just .. too much. Am I intimidated by her? If I'm honest a little bit... Which sounds stupid now I say it out loud, I guess I've always been the "I'll do it myself type" but procrastination gets in my way so I don't do it... But she just did. (Do it) Am I comparing ?

I think I'm comparing ..?

But we are playing two totally different games so there shouldn't be a comparison, she's got years of experience as a mechanic and a welder... She does all this stuff for a living. It's inspiring ... Or it should be?

I'm happy being average, my gardening skills are pretty cruddy, I'm probably of average strength, I'm pretty damn small (5ft2) but I'm okay with all this.

I'm proud of my cruddy gardening skills... She says whilst not believing herself ... But everyone's got to start somewhere right. Can I stop being annoyed now. I think I can?

I believe that everybody's got to start somewhere, they just moved the starting line.. it's still the same game.

I still get to look after my garden, they've not taken that away, I still get to be in my garden, they've not taken that away. I still get to enjoy all the birds and bugs in my garden, they've not taken that. The sunshine still hits it the same way, the breeze that comes up the ginnel is still the same.

The only thing that's changed is they pulled up some plants, but things regrow, the nature of nature is cyclical. I'm just getting on at a different point than I thought .. nothing wrong with that.

Breath, nobody is threatening your existence 💚