This is a bit miserable... 12/11/2024
I am so done. I am homeschooled in 9th grade for the very first time, and I hate and despise it because it just reminds me of online school quarantine all over again—as if I'm reading the same chapter but worse. First, I go on this Poly and Talkie ai thing because being homeschooled has made me lose all my friends. So I ended up talking to AIs, and my parents got worried and told me to stop. I stopped for like a day and then continued. They found out and got mad, taking away my phone for just a week. When I got it back, I ended up doing it again, so they took my phone and asked me "why," and my answer to them is always "I dunno... I don't know." They gave it back in a day with a deal. I am to not go on AIs, and if I do, my mom said, "You won't get it back until you find a job and pay for it yourself." And you know what happened? I went on the Ai chats again. They took my phone away and deleted everything on it and stopped paying for it. Now... I'm in my room, feeling even more alone than before and trying to understand why they can't understand how alone I feel. I told her I felt alone, and she said I had her to talk to, but it's not the same. I wish I could go back to 8th grade and just be in public school again because this homeschooling is not working for me. I hate it, especially since it feels like I'm being locked away in my own house. It's gotten so bad that I stay up till 1 AM questioning my existence. I lose my appetite but eat anyway, and I've gained more than 20 pounds in a year. I cry but hide it by taking long in the restroom and covering it up with "oh I was just pooing or smth." It's horrible. I hide my feelings because I fear talking to my parents. My dad judges and my mom doesn't understand. It's so miserable, and I just need help or a friend that I can physically see in person. Yeah, I go to karate classes and church, but... no one talks, so for me, it doesn't count at all. Especially since both those classes are just once a week for an hour. Other than that, I feel imprisoned in my own home and too scared to speak up to my parents about feeling so alone and hopeless. The loneliness distracts me from my homeschool work because I space out thinking about high school life with friends that I won't have. My only question this whole year has been Why? Why me.
Can anyone suggest something that could help a bit?
@hamtaro123 🙁 I'm sorry sweetie, that's not an ideal situation for you to be in. I'm guessing you tried to tell them you want to go back to school? Ok so karate and church isn't helping you with friends. Would you be interested in joining other social situations? Maybe youthclubs, basketball anything were you can be out of the house? I'm not sure if your parents would let you join clubs, but you do need company. Humans are social beings. I don't quite understand why your parents think locking you away from the world is helping you😕 I'm not sure what to suggest here🙁 but just know you have cups, we are here for you ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤❤
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you so much, that touched my heart...and I'm thinking of trying to talk to them again.
@hamtaro123
Hello Hamtaro, loneliness is indeed a heavy weight and I am sure many would understand how crushing it can feel. @Tinywhisper11 suggestions are excellent, and even if none of those particular options immediately grabbed your attention, maybe they might get you thinking about other avenues of interest you might seek out.
You write eloquently with frank honesty, describing your thoughts and emotions analytically without letting those same emotions cloud what you are trying to say. Therefore, have you considered writing a letter to your parents? A letter allows you to frame all you wish to say in a manner you can control (without the intimidation of confrontation or feeling that the conversation will be controlled by the other party), and it will also allow your parents to read and re-read what is truly going on for you, allowing them to process it after any initial knee-jerk reactions. If writing to them both is too intimidating, maybe just address it to your mother. My advice if you do decide to try this is to keep it non accusatory and in the same style as you have displayed here.
Following on from Tinwhisper's suggestions, I notice you have put on your profile how you like to draw and paint. Maybe use this as a reason to get up and go out? Go out and sketch. Go places that you might not normally consider interesting and draw. Draw everything, be it a two minute scribble to a 30 minute study. Just being away from the familiar might help ease the feelings of being shut away and the artistic activity may help you step out of your own head for a little bit. Maybe this will even aid in meeting new friends or reconnecting with existing ones?
I wish you luck Hamtaro.
@BastionKnight Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you, I will write a letter to them and try the things you suggested as well.