Thoughts, Still Scattering

I have a lot of self-reflecting to do. Things have taken so many turns, in directions that I both anticipated and didn't anticipate, but ultimately directions I'd feared. No, I think perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I have done a lot of self-reflecting. It's the resulting action plans that I'm failing to accomplish. Or even work towards at all, really. Probably hindered by the fact that I self-reflect and make plans, but lack either the means or the discipline to write those things down in the moment; and then everything gets all tangled up in my head again. 

I would be lying if I said my past self was happy with where I am today. 

Bits and pieces, sure, but they've been handpicked and shoved into this new puzzle that has become my life. And they're vastly outnumbered. 

I have many regrets. Too many instances where I know I was informed enough to make the better decision, but still didn't. And other instances where I was painfully ignorant--- the one ignorance I'm thinking about in particular is definitely an "in hindsight" ignorance, but I still wish I could change it (If you guessed swim, ding ding ding! Yes I'm still hung up on that). The thought has crossed my mind recently of whether or not I would give up relationships with certain people just to have a do-over. Not that they are the cause of my regret-- rather, they are good things in my life now, and it is only logical to think that if I had a do-over of my life in general, our relationships would be altered, perhaps completely different or even nonexistent. On the surface I would say no, the do-over wouldn't be worth it. I purposely haven't spent too much time mulling it over, though. I think there's a big likelihood of a world where I overthink it to the point of convincing myself that the do-over would be worth it. And at least some part of me recognizes that that mindset isn't productive and a not-insignificant portion of me does feel that the relationships in question are worth infinitely more to me than a do-over would be in the end. 

GUYS NEW STARSET SONG AHHH

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9KouqIUWbH4

I’m actually having a really good day today :}

One of the very best feelings in the world is walking into a Michael’s arts and crafts store  with gift cards >:)

Been home from college for almost two weeks now. In middle/high school I used to not get out until the first week of June, so it kinda feels like I'm getting a whole month extra off, especially since the next school year only starts like a week earlier than it did in the past for me. My younger brother is still in school for the time being, and I know he's jealous, lol. 

I'll be honest, my first year of college did not really go how I wanted it to. (I say "I'll be honest" as if I'm normally not, when I know full well that here is one of the few places where I AM already honest, smh.) Part of me wants to talk about it, and another doesn't feel like putting the effort into writing out an explanation of what happened. I guess for now I'll just keep it brief, vague. I think the worst part of it all is that I really have no one to blame for what happened but myself. From outward appearances, I was actually successful considering the circumstances of my personal obstacles. My parents and friends have been quick to tell me this, of course. And it's again my fault that they have a warped perception of how it went, because I've kept the truth of my actions from everyone. 

Was gonna continue on that train of thought but I've sorta lost steam. I feel I should add a disclaimer, though: I feel like the tone of the above paragraph is kind of dramatic. Nothing drastic happened--- "tHe TrUtH oF mY aCtiOnS" is referring to me letting people believe that I spent way more time studying than I actually did, not me robbing a bank or something. Idk. Moving on I guess. 

I have a list in my head of the millions of things I need/want to do, but I'm having a hard time executing them. It's both nice and weird to be back at home. I should just get up and do some things instead of writing about doing those things--- yeah I should go

First day of class today

Nervous but excited :’)

@mytwistedsoul

I still think about you all a lot. I hope you're all doing as well as you can :>

🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QZfH7cFp3Ys

I've recently been formally diagnosed with autism

Hoping this will help me moving forward with understanding why things are still so difficult even after all the support I have been getting

Things took a nosedive in my life due to my actions so I've been dealing with the aftermath of that

Unexpectedly met new people online through a niche shared interest and though I've known them for less than six months I feel incredibly close to them and some of them are easily some of my favorite people ever. It reminds me of the friends I made here all those years ago, who I am incredibly grateful for. In a way I'm in the position to be passing the torch down to these new friends I've made and it's got me feeling bittersweet a little.

Still tired

Still lost

Still clinging to regrets from the past

But clinging to good things from the past, too. Those good things are what's motivating me to even post here in the first place, you know?

Good things. Or more accurately, good people