Thoughts from last night (TW; self-depriciating)

How do people who are alone manage it all? Maybe it's because they aren't lonely. But...idk how they do it, if they needed help for basic things, what would they do? I'm glad I'm not an orphan and grateful for family. Sometimes though it feels like you're the one one standing in a fog with no one around to help. And it feels like to ask for help means you're just worthless and weak and stupid. Sometimes it feels like I'm giving all the time, yet I'm really selfish and self-absorbed. Like I'm an idiot who wastes life's precious gifts. Like I don't belong with the breathing because the voice inside my heart says that I'm not only useless, I'm a burden and Im ungrateful. Filled with self-pity, constantly victimizing myself. And at the same time feeling like I do not need to move. If I didn't the world would stop moving with me and it would be easier to breath. I am angry inside. Angry at myself for being the way I am. Like a waste of space. I have everything and I'm grateful for it. I don't know why I'm like this.

I used to want to find magic. I still do but somewhere along the way I felt like I wasn't a person who deserved it. Like I'm not someone who is good or as people define good for whatever twisted reason.

Sometimes it's hard to remember you're not the only one who feels this way. And it'll pass, you'll see the sunrise soon and wish you remembered how this felt when you were in pain. Hope that feeling comes to me soon. I want to live fully yet I feel like I'm lost.