Today

I wish I was happy. I know I would be happy if I could be. I don't know how I am not happy. I do everything right that I know how to do. But, then I think and see where I am falling short everywhere. I am not doing well enough. I have talked to so many people and I'm starting a new medication. Have been on it for a few days. The first 5 days were amazing and then I got depressed again. I might be bipolar type 2 based on my own observations and readings. But, there's really no way for me to know. And I probably won't know for another 5 years or more. I don't know how to be happy with my life being like it is. I am useless. I don't want to be useless anymore. I don't want to be lazy. I don't want to be rude to people and ungrateful for what I have like I am. I want to be able to pick myself up out of where I am. But, I still haven't done it. I wonder if I have the ability. I don't know and may never know. I wanted to bang my head on the table today, but I didn't do that. I wanted to be seen, but I didn't want to take people's attention just to get attention. I think I was noticed, but no one talked to me about it. That's okay. I don't have the energy to talk and I don't want to waste people's time. I feel like a waste of space, but I'm already here and loved, so it would be worse to leave people who care about me and somehow are happy to have me around. I don't know how or really why, but they do. I'm not blinded by my depression right now, so I'm glad for that. I just know it's there and it is so hard to think positively at all. Or do anything at all. I think the medication can be good for me, but it does not seem like it's going to help much as it is now. I don't think I'll get anywhere with it very much if this is what it will be like. I am having a hard time in life currently. I don't want to be this way. I want to get better so badly. I am impatient with myself, but trying to be patient. I want to get better. I want to do better. A part of me says "Just do it. Be better. Will yourself to do better." And that's good, but another part of me says it's not.

I was just interrupted in my feelings which turned to irritation and anger and exhaustion by hearing footsteps outside of my room. I'm tired of my sister and brother-in-law checking in on their child in the room right next to mine throughout the entire night like every hour. It scared me every time last night. It wakes me up and makes me not be able to sleep. I feel like someone is creeping up on me. I hate the creak in the floor when someone is stepping outside the room standing there for a few seconds and then decides to leave suddenly. It is the most annoying thing to me right now and it will never stop. I don't know what to do about it other than not sleep, not try to sleep at night. I am exhausted with my emotions. I am so angry and don't know how to not be. This should not bother me as much as it does. I want to cry and scream from hearing footsteps outside my door. What is wrong with me? I want to punch somebody and yell in there face and push them over and hit them in the face. Of course I don't really want to do anything like that, so I lie in my bed with no reaction whatsoever besides opening my eyes or being startled. I don't dwell in the anger. It just screams in the back of my head that I cut off from the rest of my consciousness. I do not connect with that. If I did, well, I would be hated and probably in a mental health facility locked up. I think it would be nice to be in one of those places. I am probably weird for that. People will probably tell me you don't know what you are talking about. Well, if it is something I haven't experienced before, it will be interesting, and that makes me curious what it is like. I have a pretty good sense of what to expect in any situation. When I'm caught off-guard, I get angry and embarrassed extremely. But no one can see that. No one knows.

I don't have anyone to talk to. I only have myself. I think I will drive myself insane and not be able to function in life anymore. This is what I want to avoid. Me trying to avoid anything never works. This is alarming to me. I think I may actually not be able to remember things anymore. My memory and brain function may leave me. I may actually be placed in a facility to be taken care of until I die. I think I may after all become a very useless existence. But people who love me wouldn't say that, but some of them might think it. That's okay, we all know I am loved. And that I love them and forgive them if they think less of me in some way. I am not good either at being loving. This may all be a personal problem.

Um.. I am just here not knowing what to do. Hello there. I am here. There here. Okay. This is another place to be. Okay now where is this? This is an interesting place. This is not what you expect. This is not known. Not regular. You have to be me to understand. It is this. Why? This is not what you think it is. It is not meaningful. This will be understood by anyone that does not understand. I don't think it is necessary to be here. This is a different kind of place. Hello there. Again. All the time over again. Please don't let it stay that way. I hope it changes. I think I found my limits. I think I found them all. I reached it. No, I can't accept it. I can't accept the end. It's still going. Here I am. Here I am. Does this mean more than I thought? Yes there. What does this mean? What do you mean? Do you have questions? I don't understand them. Do you are a person? Are you there? Who is there? Anyone? Am I alone still? Well, I guess I am. Well, that is depressing. Lonely. I think this is a good time to go and not get worse. Not meant to be read. Just meant to get away. Something to help me. Somehow to get through a moment. I need it to all slow down. There I am over there. Hello there. This is not meaningful just so you know. This does not mean anything. What does this mean? Oh, well, nothing of course. Oh. Well, is that your favorite words? There. I did it. You understand now. Okay, there. Oy there. Bye bye for now. Okay. Wait. No, bye. Aw! Bye! bye bye bye! Why? It's not me. Okay? Just let me go now please. Okay. Here you go. Thank you! <3