@TrueArrow
hey hey! it's going okay so far, other than being sick sadly, what about you? :( i just came back from lunch/dinner-ish thing haha and ooh, how was lunch?
@azureJar7737
Hey! Sorry for the late reply, I've been having a few hard days. I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything and it kinda all came crashing down yesterday. I'm going to my doctor today to ask for referrals for specialists but I think I'll mention how sick I feel today.
How is your illness today? Have you been able to improve?
@TrueArrow
Heya! It's no worries, really, I know that overwhelming feeling and when things get too much we just draw back from people, doing things? I hope your doctor will give you referrals for specialists to help out and can help further. How are you feeling today?
I still feel sick, my nose feels congested but compared to last week, I've improved with that, so I hope i can get to go out and try do some things today!
How was your weekend?
@azureJar7737
Hey hey! 
I've been so busy lately, having to call doctors and attend doctor appointments. It's been a super crazy week, that's for sure! However, I'm doing much better and my mind and body is in much better spirits today. I got the approval of my doctor for a few prescriptions that will help my health issues, so I'm hoping my insurance approves and pays for it. It's been a struggle getting help and I've been in pain for awhile, have I mentioned my health issues before to you? I have spina bifida and I struggle with a host of issues because of my disability. Right now I'm struggling with lymphedema in my legs, so I'm trying to get leg pumps that will help with the swelling. It's been awhile since I've been pain free, so it doesn't really bother me as much anymore. I guess my pain tolerance is kinda high.
How are you doing? Feeling less congested today? I hate not being able to breathe through my nose, so my sympathies! 
@TrueArrow
Heey!
Doctors appointment ah, I know those busy times but at least I try to do things I like even if it's for 5-10 minutes between those doctor appointments or else I'd just be a mess lol. Is there something you normally or try to do between those busy doctor appointments? Aw yay, glad to hear you're doing much better and your mind + body is in much better spirits! Crazy weeks are crazy itself, that's true but you're getting there and the week is almost done and the weekend to relax as much as we can be here soon. I hope so as well that your insurance approves and pays for it, I'm not sure how insurances are where you are, but where I'm from, it's confusing to me, since for some insurances companies, you have to have a certain health issue for them to cover medications and such, is it that for most insurances companies generally? But having new prescriptions that can be tried and hopefully be of help is always good, I really do hope they help however they can! You haven't mentioned your health issues, no and I think I've heard of spina bifida but vaguely from what I'm looked up in my spare time. Reason being is that I have some spine issues and I generally look up spine issues just to have an idea of things. Oh wow, do the leg pumps usually help with the swelling? I mean, having health issues for a long period of time, i find that people have a high pain tolerance which is understandable, especially if it's an issue that causes pain sadly because no one likes pain. Well, I do hope those prescriptions help, and the leg pumps to help with the swelling. ❤︎
I'm doing pretty okay compared to last week, feeling much less congested which is really good, thank you! Now, it's just dealing with the back pain I already have, but I didn't do much walking today which means or I hope the pain doesn't go up.
Are you looking for the weekend? Any plans? 
@azureJar7737
Hey there, sorry for the late reply again. Been having difficulties with doctors and getting the stuff that I need to treat my illnesses. It's caused an awful depression spell and I usually end up going quiet for awhile. I guess it's how I deal with everything, I'm not used to communicating when I'm depresssed. I even end up avoiding family members too, which sucks. I was taught not to complain, so talking about myself is very emotionally draining. 😕
Called a medical supply store today that I was directed to by my primary physican's office (supposedly they confirmed that they would be able to order what I needed, which I found out was bs). Two minutes into the call, the medical supplier tells me that they can only order one of the two prescriptions my doctor ordered, which was obviously frustrating. So I had to call my doctors office for the third time to explain that the information I heard from their office was not true. It's starting to really tick me off, I have to be on their arse 24/7 for them just to do their job. It's not right and the more I get these run arounds, the more time is wasted and I'm not getting the proper treatment I need. One of my conditions is progessive, so that really makes me anxious that the more I wait, the worse my condition will get.
Between this and continuing to mourn my mother's death, I've about had it with life right now.
As you can see, I'm not in a good headspace, but I wanted to write back to you today, to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you and I hope things are better in your neck of the woods.
Hey hey! I truly understand you dont have to worry about late replies, I know it happens sometimes which makes us want to step away from things, people, even I do that as well sometimes. How I deal with things sometimes is not talking to anyone, sheltering myself, just full on secluding myself from honestly everything. However, I am around whenever if you want to do, it can be very emotionally draining (it really is) but I dont want you holding back so many things going on 😞 and if you dont want to talk about it, its all good too, we can just talk about anything!
Oh jeez, that sounds like a lot of hassle going through to get those prescriptions. :/ They need to realize how necessary these things are to help others, even if its to control something which can be very difficult to manage. I can just imagine why youll be getting anxious about the wait but they should get their crap together. I know there are lots of processes (Im guessing? Do correct me if Im wrong) with getting certain prescriptions but the doctors themselves, need to figure out what miscommunication was there and try to address it since its a frustrating thing to go through which no one wants to be going through. Plus I hope they never say have patience because that, in my opinion, would be invaliding what someone is going through and all the hassle of going through it. I really do hope what has happened will clear up so you can get those prescriptions and start taking them.
I dont blame you for having it with life right now, dealing with the medical things as well as your mothers death? Having all those things coming together, its more than frustrating, I dont even think frustrated is the word. I do admire you for continue holding up despite everything going on, even when things are just at a standstill or feels like its falling apart. You are managing. Hopefully, when that clears up, you can continue mourning your mothers death, by that I mean not having the medical part of things keep pushing through so much because you do deserve to mourn in your own way without things jumping in.
I do appreciate it you still trying to write back to me even though youre not the best right now, it really does mean a lot and I havent forgotten about you either but giving you space to cope with things, as well as mourning your mothers death, Im around whenever. Things for me now is stressful, despite my pain stuff going on, its just family stuff honestly tearing me down that its driving me up the wall lol.
Continue taking care of yourself @TrueArrow
Hey hey!
Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing.
I finally got the appointment to see a lymphedema specialist and I got approved by my insurance for circaids. It's been a super stressful month but I feel like things are finally starting to happen.
How's things been for you?
@TrueArrow
Heey!! I meant to message you in this thread to check up on you but I lost it and got lost looking for it lol.
I'm not the best, just been in lots more pain, been sick from last week and so, so tired. I was away last month so I came back home last week Monday, so trying to take things slowly, I guess. I went to my pain management doctor for my back pain and it was just eh, he was basically going on about the same thing he said the last visit. Though he said he'd try to have a sit down with my back doctor (forgot what kind of doctor he was), himself, myself and my mum to see if there's a possibility for surgery or can surgery be done to correct it.
Yay!! I'm so glad you got an appointment to see a lymphedema and got approved by your insurance for that!! When are you going to be seeing them? I hope things do look up to you for, you really deserve it.
How are things also for you? Do you have any pets?
@azureJar7737
Aw, man. 
I'm so sorry to hear about the back pain. I have a beign cyst on my spine (plus the spina bifida), so I know spine issues really suck. I hope they're able to help you out. How did your back pain start? You don't need to answer if you feel uncomfortable giving too many details, but I was wondering about what they diagnosed you with, from the back pain.
I'm going to be getting the circaids in a couple of weeks, and I'll see the lymphedema specialist next Wednesday. I'm excited about getting this treated, I just hope that I feel a little better next Wednesday than I do today. Was up a lot last night with stomach pain, so that really didn't help matters. Oh and pets, I have one black cat named spooky.
@TrueArrow
Hey there!
I'm so sorry for the late reply. When i first saw, I was going to reply and send you a forum post I did talking about my back, the issues I have with it but when I tried looking for it, I couldn't find it then I totally forgot to reply. I message someone about the post, since maybe it could've been accidentally deleted but I have yet to hear back.
Yeah, spine issues do suck :( Can anything be done to the cyst? How was the appointment with your lymphedema specialist? I meant to message you a day before it but it slipped my mind, sorry.
Stomach pains are always a pain in the bum sometimes, how are you feeling now? How was the appointment?
Aw spooky, that's an adorable name for your cat! I have two dogs, one is Shadow and the other is Diesel.
@TrueArrow
Also here's a post I did last year talking about my medical stuff in a way. It's a bit jumbled lol but since you asked, I figured I'd share.
How was your week and weekend? Any new updates? I'm around if you ever want to vent or talk
Hey @TrueArrow !
I found the thread we used to speak on and not sure if you'd like to continue, for us to be able to chat better.
I saw that you mentioned you were having a hard time and having not so great thoughts but trying to fight them. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time right now and even more with these thoughts that comes up :( you've been fighting them for so long and I'm in awe of it! Is there something you might normally do when these thoughts come up? I normally try to distract myself by watching something on Netflix, online jigsaw puzzles or anything that might need me to focus on that instead.
I hope this week is a bit better and things are managable for you 💜
@azureJar7737
It's nice to chat again on the forum, I've missed it! Thanks for sparking up the thread!
Yesterday was the second anniversary of my Mother's passing. It was a painful day, but I somewhat managed to divert my attention away from triggering memories. I suffer from depression and anxiety, so I'm experimenting with aromatherapy. I recently purchased an oil diffuser. I've noticed that I do sleep better at night and I am more relaxed. I also got a sound + sleep machine that I purchased on Amazon. I'm also thinking about getting some St. John Wort pills, as it has been suggested to me by a health care provider.
Unfortunately, I still haven't seen a therapist but...it's complicated. I'm slowly getting help with seeing one, but I've had a few holdups with that.
How have you been? I hope you've been well!
@TrueArrow
Aw, you're welcome!
I can truly relate to that, losing someone close to you. My grandma's passing is coming up next month and it'll be 3 years, still doesn't get easier but it does get managable sometimes... When it's nearing those times, we get caught up in those thoughts and feeling without realizing because of how their passing have affected us. I'm sending you plenty of hugs 💜 I'm glad that you've found something to try out! I have briefly heard what aromatherapy is and that's amazing it helps you sleep better at night and leave you feeling more relaxed! Do let me know how the machine works out and if it helps in any way. What are St. John Wort pills?
I understand and with seeing a therapist, a lot of things can arise for sure. Good luck with it all and hope the holdups aren't too much!
I haven't been the best, honestly. Feeling like I'm constantly stressed and anxious, which of course affects me with doing day to day stuff. 💜
@azureJar7737
I was feeling depressed, leading up to the anniversary. It's startling what the power of thought can do, both positively and negatively. I posted a little poem on my feed, in memory of her. It helped with healing, even if it was a small gesture. It's difficult to lose someone you love, but I like to think that death brings peace to those who suffer, and I know my Mother suffered much in life. I find consolation in knowing that she need not worry about my health any longer or worry about what is going to happen to me. That was always a constant worry for her, I wish she could have seen the changes that I have done for my health since her passing. Or, the amount of progress I have made in taking care of things that I need to do. Though I still struggle with getting them complete, I have a good care team, which includes my family members and medical health professionals. My caseworker has been a tremendous help for me, she helps deal with any paperwork I need to be completed.
Aromatherapy is helpful but it's not a substitute for medical care. However, it's handy if you use it with the guidance of a counselor, as it can help relax you. I enjoy using lavender essential oil or tea tree, it's the best ones I've found for sleep. Spearmint is another great choice for relaxation. St. John Wort is an herb you can find in pill form, that helps with boosting mood and may help to treat mild to moderate depression. I'm going to try adding it to my supplements to see if it helps boost my mood.
I hope it's alright to post, I'd like to share a video with you on depression that has helped me. I love the term she uses, in building a ladder to fight her depression and pain. I hope perhaps you can find some inspiration in it, as I have.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUgi4bWudR4&t=345s&ab_channel=SimonandMartina
@TrueArrow
Hey! Sorry for not replying, haven't been doing the best, which results in me just shying away from everything and everyone. How was your week and weekend? 💜
I agree, the power of a thought can be drastic in how we even go about her day and how we affect it. I'm glad the poem helped with healing! I know that poems, short stories, even just speaking to the air, reminsecing on how someone that was close to you have left you feeling can help with healing. What I used to do was go to my grandmother's grave and sit, tell her how my day went and how I'm feeling, something I couldn't do before and though I don't get to do it much anymore, I'll sometimes talk to myself about it.
I'd like to think she knows that you've progress, in any way and form for your health. It is sad that we always have that constant worry, especially with how much they have suffered and it's hard, but a bit reassuring that they are no longer in pain, worrying about what's going to happen to us. One of those bittersweet moment, right? I'm really glad you have a good care team, because it's something you truly deserve! I know how hard and challenging it's been, since the few times we've spoken and to be able to have people around you to help in any way possible.
I love the smell of lavender! Though I can't handle strong smells due to allergies, lavender is one of the few that's tolerable. Do let me know if the St. John Wort helps! Honestly, at this point, trying anything to help with depression, or even just our moods is worth to give a shot and see how it goes.
I'll gladly take the time and watch the video! Thank you for sharing 💜
@azureJar7737
Hello again! It's good to chat with you once more! <3
I must also apologize for suddenly going AWOL. My dad had an emergency health issue this week, we found out he had gallstones. He'll need his gallbladder surgically removed this week, but at least it wasn't as bad as we were expecting. Also, I've been demotivated on doing things, and I've been ruminating in my head, about a few stuff that happened late last week.
I have a nurse who cares for me quite a lot. I do as well, but I'm afraid that she's forcing me into options that I'm not sure I am ready for. I know I've needed to see a counselor for a while, but because of my physical health issues and distrust for counselors, I have been debating on whether I want to see one. My last conversation with this nurse was not a good conversation. Despite knowing that she cares for me, she said many hurtful things and put paranoia and guilt into my head. I don't want to get too much into what she said, but between that and other things she had said and done, I'm becoming less willing to tell her about what is going on with me.
She called today to see if I made an appointment with my primary to talk about my issues with depression. However, because of the emergency this week with my Dad, I had not done it yet. She had also promised to follow up with some things that we had talked about but never touched on in the phone call. All she managed to do was make me feel guilty about not making an appointment, so later today I did. After I had, I keep ruminating in my head about what she said, and I feel upset and angry.
In the past, I have spoken up about some things she had said that I did not agree with. I was met with her becoming hostile and asking if I wanted to have her replaced as my healthcare manager/nurse. That was years back before my Mother passed and if she had left then, I wouldn't have been upset. Now that my Mother has died, I have relied on her for some emotional stability and thinking about offending her and leaving, scares me. I know eventually, she will retire and I am resigned to that I won't always have her around. It's just very hard to find that balance with her and I don't know what to do. I want to say something, but I know I won't because I'm afraid of losing her as my nurse. It's sad that she becomes this way with me, despite knowing how emotionally fragile I am.
I hope things have been going better for you this week, I understand about shying away from others when I don't feel good. I tend to think of it like a wounded cat, I like to be alone and suffer alone as talking to others while in that state, makes me feel more depressed and unhappy. Have you managed to find any lavender? I think it's such a beneficial herb for relaxation and depression. I know the effects of it may not be nearly as good as conventional medicine, but I still think that incorporating natural remedies along with your doctor's advice is a good thing.
On a positive note, my family bought me some expensive dark chocolate and Ben and Jerry's frozen cookie dough, so I've been enjoying that today. What's your favorite treat? :)
@TrueArrow
Hey!
It's no worries, I understand having family emergencies to tend to <3 Oh man, how's your dad recoverying now? I've heard how gallstones are painful and difficult to have. I do hope he's doing well now! I can relate to feeling demotivated on doing things, that is how I've been as well as of lately. Do you find yourself demotivated on doing things when unexpected stuff happens and it kind of throws you off?
It's not fair on you with her forcing you into options that you aren't ready for yet. Yes, we all do want some encouragement every once in a while, but when it's being pushed often, it have us withdraw back from them, you know? I'm sorry though knowing how this has been making you feel, especially with what hurtful things she said which have put paranoia and gult into your head... that's not right. You should be able to take things at your pace and with having distrust for counselors, that in itself is a process.
This really is a lot for you to handle since before your mother's passing. I can understand with being a bit more dependent since your mother have passed but it would help if she understand that you're trying, from then till now. You have been trying and some days are better than some. I do hope you find that balance with her because from what you've mentioned, it seems like you still want to build some connection with her, even though she hasn't been so kind.
That is how it is for me now, I like to be alone and suffer alone. It's just been a lot going on, to the point that I want to cut everyone out of my life, or at least just lock myself away, I guess. I haven't been able to find some lavender, but I will try to see if I can get some this weekend or next week!
Ohh yum. Dark chocolate have a bad rep sometimes, but brands are pretty good. I love Ben and Jerry's! My favourite treat is probably ice cream (mint choco chip) or this Cadbury chocolate that has almonds in there, I think. Do you have any fun plans for the summer?
