Trying something new, maybe productive

I consider myself an orphan, but I'm not. I'm a really weird creature that shouldn't exist. Nothing that's happening to me is all that believable or sensible, but it happens to me nonetheless. It's continued this way for a long time. So long that I accept it, if not outright chase it, especially when nothing is even there to begin with.

I've never been myself, but I want to become me pretty bad. I've given up on everything though in order to survive. I've been complacent for a long time. I still will make efforts from time to time and see if I can still surprise and admire myself at all. This modus operandi has been costly, and I feel like I haven't learned much. Being 22 feels like a joke. I might as well be 12. Often when I have anonymous outbursts over the internet, my age is assumed to be that of a pre teen or so, and I pretty much break down after that. I go through so much self reflection but it's all for nothing because of how isolated I am. But this isn't a real conversation I'm having so who knows how real all this is to you or me. I could be playing this up, or it could be so normalised. At the end of the day I feel like life is just having the tidiest little cozy cell to spend time away in, because I have no other way to deal with the problems life has presented me with.

Thank you for reading. Hope I did this right.