Turning numb

Dear Moi,

As I thought, today was once again cancelled at the last second by an unprofessional service, this is the second time, why did I expect different?

They want more money and I've spent the day trying to get some answers but all I hear is, We've charged you but we will get back to you..

It's nearly 5pm so I gave up and switched to another unreliable service because they specialise in last minute bookings but drag it out for more cash it seems.

Although they sent me a 15% off voucher so I redeemed it. Last time, they barely did a quarter, will they finish it?

I refuse to care, it will, it won't......Whatever. Stress, stress, stress. This feeling of frustration and madness, constantly waiting for no results.

I sought out help, what more can I do? When am I ever going to move forwards? Maybe I'm being treated like I deserve for being a bad daughter.

I still haven't resolved things with Mama, my excuse is that I think she's still away on holiday but the real reason is......

She doesn't listen, she doesn't get me and will never change. I just feel like I should matter, instead of just accepting that I'm compared to others and although I've spent my whole life trying to be good, trying to be seen and appreciated for being my self.....

Who I am, seems to be lacking for everyone else. The bad ones are revered and celebrated because they can function normally and not be too scared to speak or connect..

But me, who was desperate to show deep deep deep inside I was warm and friendly, didn't have any courage to talk or share because every time I did I was silenced and threatened.

She wants me to forget all that, she wants me to forgive and be over it. She wants me to carry on letting her treat me as though I'm a bad person.

I'm tempted to blurt secrets out, to say........ There are things you don't know about my confidence, about my past, about my depression and anti socialness.

About how lonely I was and how desperate I was for someone to like me and care about me and what the result of that was.

But each time I stop myself because it's better I carry it alone because when something else occurred that was a fraction of it.........

I was the culprit. I was to blame. In your eyes, I'm just wrong and that to me is exhausting.

Why must I hate myself, in order for you to like me?

I don't understand your ranking system so because someone is confident and sociable, they're automatically good and decent.

And because I prefer solitude and sometimes have zero self esteem and can't form relationships because I'm in a constant state of fear to protect myself, I'm no good?

This is why the distance continues to grow between us. You elevate the bad and squash the good...

I wish I could talk to you but instead of comfort, you depress me and then I feel more guilty for ignoring you.

At least you can take comfort in the fact that, I am quite miserable. 💔