Update of how im feeling

when you dont sleep you have a lot of time to think
you have a lot of time to dwell on things
to think about how things could have been
to think about how things might have been different

i understant what people say about the past
you cant change it and its made you who you are
but how much you wish that you could change it
what i would give to be able to do that

there are some things i wouldnt change though
i wouldnt change my mates in stone
they are like the family ive never had
and i am very glad that i met them

i also wouldnt change my girlfriend
i really really love her with all my heart
though she deserves someone much much better
than the person that i am.

i spend a lot of time thinking about my past
replaying the abuse over and over
wondering what i should have done about it
what i could have changed, how i could have stopped it

there is a popular saying that your nothing without family
with me it is totally the oposite
my family are the ones that have broke me
and to think it still goes on with my adoptive family

sit here, im dying inside
unable to show outward emotion to people
i havent done it for so so long
i dont know how to do it any more

people say just keep on fighting
they dont understand that i cant give anymore
i dont know what else i could do
every day i have something else to worry about

i feel terrible, ive never felt so bad
these voices and the things i see are getting worse
my mental health is crumbling
i dont know how to change.

i feel suicidal most days
i wont deny that fact
i am just scared of trying and failing
but as the days go by my confidence to do it grows