What it feels like to be in my head

Imagine youre in a meeting. Theres this one guy who is critical of everything you say. He yells insults at you and tells you that everyone else in the room hates you whenever

You speak out of turn

You speak but you sound ‘entitled to your turn

You're too assertive

You sound like youre trying to flatter someone else

You dont speak and are not contributing to the conversation

Now imagine this guy as the voice in your head, consequently with a lot more power over you, and being critical of everything you do in every situation possible in life. When life is smooth, its easier to ignore that voice, but the voice is much stronger and much more intense when things arent smooth. You end up believing whatever the voice says, you even agree with it. After decades of living with that voice, you can predict accurately what that voice will say to every possible scenario/outcome in your life, and you're now a slave to that voice having lived with it for so many years. Its hard to break free.

That voice reminds you of all your previous mistakes/failures when youre happy. It tells you that youre not skilled, youre arrogant and you look stupid when youre on the verge of doing something different/impulsive/interesting etc. In short: that voice has absolute power over you and hates it when you feel anything at all. You eventually become numb from all the suffering and abuse it has done to you, but it doesnt stop there. The voice is always there to rub salt in your wounds after it has already brought you down a long way.