daily rants (a space for me to let out my thoughts)
June 8th: i cant do this anymore. I hate having everyone depend on me. I feel like it’s because I’m scared. scared of letting people down, scared of disappointing them, scared of being the reason for their unhappiness. i think I’m scared because my whole life I depended on people and always got my hopes up so I know how it feels to always be let down, and I’m so scared to be that person to let someone down. if that even makes any sense. I just, I just don’t want to be responsible for something I can’t control and I guess that goes along with me having to plan out every little situation and thing before it happens. well i guess that’s it for tonight because I’m tired lol so have a great day everyone!
June 9th: I decided that I would save the bad news for tonight because there’s way too much to say but I finally decided to reach out to a therapist. I am beyond terrified but I hope everything works out. <3
June 10th: there’s too many thoughts and I cant keep track of them all. I feel like I’m going crazy. I just wish there was a way to be able to organize my thoughts somehow. its so overwhelming I cant. I try so hard and it makes it absolutely impossible to explain things. it feels like there’s millions of things wrong with me. I cant control anything and I don’t know what’s happening or what to do and it just makes me want everything to stop. atleast for a few moments. I either feel everything or feel nothing and I cant tell if I’m blocking out all my negative feelings or I’m actually getting better. I cant tell if this is just a phase and everything will be okay soon or is this just how I am now. I cant tell if I want help or if I want anything but help. I cant tell if I’m terrified and care or if I don’t care about anything at all. I cant tell if I’m happy or sad. I cant tell if I’m feeling this emotion or not. I cant tell if I’m physically in this reality but my mind is in a whole other. I cant tell if I enjoy pain or it’s a way to focus on anything but my thoughts. I cant tell if I envy myself for trying this hard or if I hate and pity myself for struggling to go out in public. I cant tell if I’m okay or if I’m going absolutely crazy. I cant tell the difference, between anything anymore and I don’t know what to do.
