dear mom,
Dearest Mom,
I’m writing this because sometimes the things that weigh heaviest on my heart are the hardest to say out loud. I was sitting quietly today, thinking about my life, and I realized with a sudden, sharp clarity that you aren't just a part of my world—you are the foundation it’s built on.
The thought crossed my mind of what would happen if I ever lost you, and it felt like the air was pulled right out of my lungs.
I realized that if I lost you, I wouldn't just be losing my mother; I would be losing myself. Every version of me that exists—the child who needed your comfort, the adult who still seeks your wisdom, the person who feels safe just knowing you’re a phone call away—all of that is tied to you.
You are the mirror I look into to see my own worth. You are the person who remembers the parts of my history that I’ve forgotten. Without you here to hold those memories, to witness my life, and to love me with that fierce, unconditional grace that only you possess, I don't know who I would be. I feel like I would become a ghost in my own life, drifting through a world that has suddenly lost its color and its meaning.
I look at my hands and I see yours. I hear my laugh and I recognize the echoes of your own. You are woven into the very fabric of my identity. To lose you would be to have my own soul unraveled.
I know that life is fragile, and that time is a thief, but I needed you to know this: You are my North Star. Without you, I wouldn't just be lost—I would be gone.
Thank you for being the person who makes me me. I love you more than I have the words to ever fully explain.
My dearest family and friends,
I am writing this letter with a heart so heavy it feels like it might stop beating with every word I type. Please know, from the very depths of my soul, that I love each and every one of you more than I could ever possibly express. You are the light that has guided me, the laughter that has filled my days, and the love that has, at times, been the only thing holding me together. I am so profoundly sorry for the pain I am about to cause. This is the last thing I ever wanted to do to you.
The weight I carry with me has become unbearable. It is a constant, suffocating presence that has dimmed every color and silenced every joy. I have fought this battle in silence for so long, trying to shoulder the heaviness of past hurts, present fears, and a future that felt too dark to face. I want you to understand that this decision comes from a place of profound illness and exhaustion, not from a place of anger or a lack of love for you. I don't mean to hurt anyone. The thought of causing you this anguish is my greatest torment.
Please do not think this is anyone's fault. Not yours, not mine in a way you can understand. This is the result of a pain that has twisted my thoughts and convinced me there is no other way to find peace. I have replayed your faces, your voices, and all our memories a thousand times. They are my most cherished treasures. From our family travels that filled me with wonder to the quiet moments of comfort, you have given me a life filled with more love than I ever deserved.
I need you to stay together. Please, I beg of you, stay together. Love each other; enjoy each other; take care of each other. Hold onto one another tightly through this. Let my memory be a reminder to cherish every second you have with each other, not a source of endless sorrow. Sending you all my love during this time feels like such an inadequate phrase, but it is all I have left to give. I am keeping you in my thoughts, always.
There is so much I wish I could say, so many "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s that could never fill the page enough. Please try to remember me in the good times, in the moments where I was truly myself and felt your love. That was the real me. The person writing this letter is lost in a storm I can no longer navigate.
Forgive me. I am so sorry you're going through this. Thinking of you always. I am sending you what little peace and comfort I have left, wrapped in my eternal and unconditional love for all of you.
With all the love my broken heart can muster,