me vs everyone else

06.07.2021

I have been struggling with the fact that I am no one's first choice for a really long time, and I've learned to live with it. The bigger hurdle has come with not even being an option.

Lately as quarantine has been easing up, it feels like life is returning to normal. I see everyone on instagram out with their friends actually doing things and having fun. It hurts. I have almost completely stopped using social media because I can't bear the contrast to my own life. And I know that people say social media is all of people's best moments but I don't even have moments like that to post. I am spending this summer exactly like my last, holed up in my room without human interaction.

The worst part is that there's nobody to blame but myself. It's not that the people I meet suck, I am just such a difficult person to befriend that it is honestly not worth the effort. I don't think that I would go through lengths for someone like me. But god do I wish someone would. I wish that I had people to go out with whenever I wanted. People who would ask me to hang out willingly. But I do not hold it against anyone to not want to bear time with me. I feel like other people are always exerting an effort when they interact with me. It's not easy, it's not fun. I feel like I make them uncomfortable.

I don't know what to do. I feel like if I keep searching I might be able find someone who's company won't feel laborious to either of us, but where do I look? I'm not taking classes in the summer, I don't have a job. I don't want to reach out to people and have them feel like they're spending time with me out of obligation. I'm just tired of being so alone.