my abyss

i've tried journaling before, multiple times, and it never really worked out. i'll be super committed every day for a couple weeks, then i forget about it. maybe if i'm posting it and knowing other people are seeing it, i'll be more committed to it? idk. oh i should mention for anyone else reading this, i'll probably talk about sh and stuff so yeah. also i like to write a lot so these might get long.

i've been doing okay lately. not many dark thoughts. so this entry won't be like the kind of posts i make usually which are scattered around the depression, anxiety, and self harm forums.

i'm looking forward to getting a therapist, it should take a few weeks. the thing that sucks is i have to do it on zoom. i know i'll be really uncomfortable talking on there and i'm going to hate it. but apparently, there's no one in the area doing in-person therapy? i'm not going to complain though, at least i'm getting help of some kind.

anyways i'm officially one week clean from sh. this week has been better than most. i made another friend. she gave me her number and we've been texting a lot. i'm lucky with the couple of friends i've made in the last few months - both of them were people in one of my classes who randomly started a conversation with me and from there we became friends. i would still be alone if they hadn't done that.

this week has been good in other ways too. two days ago, i went downtown with my cousin and grandma, and i don't really get out much so that was nice. i haven't talked to my cousin in years. then today was kind of bittersweet. all my moms side of the family got together for easter at my house. it was really fun and i beat everyone in badminton (idk if that's the right spelling). the bittersweet part of it is that this was the last holiday we have together. every single person on that side of the family is moving away. most out of state, but two will stay here just in a different house. of course we'll visit each other, but i don't think we'll all come together for a holiday like that again. besides, everyone's getting older, we aren't little kids anymore. so it's not like easter is a big thing like it used to be (egg hunts were a big event, there would be like 200 eggs and sometimes 8 or 9 of us competing) or even christmas (no one's getting excited for toys or whatever, it's just clothes and electronics for the most part). idk i guess what makes me sad is how short it lasted. i don't want to be a kid forever or anything of course, but those memories are really special to me and i feel like i'll never be as happy as i was when i was a little kid.

other random thoughts:

-something my uncle said that made me realize my mom told everyone something untrue about me.

-learned a song on guitar today because i want to play it for this girl. (say yes by elliott smith)

-could have easily wound up in the hospital today if i had just took someone's word for it.

-i found two lotto tickets in the egg hunt (yes there were lotto tickets and cash instead of candy for the "big kids") but my mom made me give one to my cousin, which ended up being a winner lol

-looking forward to meeting nana.

this is just so i can keep track of my thoughts consistently but if you want to comment or anything feel free to.