my thoughts

i genuinely thought that last year was my lowest but it’s nothing compared to now. it’s just so hard. i know I will get through this and it will be okay in the end but how do I make it so bearable right now? that’s the question I keep asking myself. i have tons of hopes and dreams and I’m excited for the future, I’m just terrified of the journey that will get me there. i want risks and of course you’re gonna be scared for the future but I didn’t think I would be feeling so alone through all this. i actually have no one. I’m no longer friends with my best friend of 5 years. my childhood friend that I’ve been friends with since forever, I barely talk with her. i am beyond happy for her that she is venturing out and has found her group of friends, but what about me? the reason my summer last year was fun was because I found myself a book friend but ever since school has started and the time difference between us, we never talk anymore. it’s not her fault. it’s not either of ours but it just sucks. whenever any of my friends text me, I respond right away and I’m always there but it takes them a while to respond to me and I just feel so pathetic that I’m always here waiting on their response. like they all have their own groups of friends and I’m here in the middle. it’s all so complicated. i have other friends in school that I just met this year so it’s not like we’re really close so whenever I’m with them and they meet up with their close friends, it’s so awkward and I feel so left out. and I know, I know I shouldn’t expect anything out of them because they’re genuinely good people, but I wish they could make a little effort so I wouldn’t feel so left out. i know most of it is my fault because I’m not a social person at all and have really bad social anxiety but I try, I really do try. all my friends are moving on so quickly and I’m happy for them. i just wish they’d slow down a little so I could catch up.

worst of all, I hate how much I care. i hate how much I care about everything and everyone. i care about what everything thinks. whether it’s about me or I just care about how they’re feeling. i hate when people might feel what I feel because they don’t deserve it. i just wish I could give myself a break. that’s all I’m asking from myself. i don’t know what to do anymore. i am just so tired. of literally everything. i don’t know what emotions I’m feeling and that’s part of the problem. i don’t know how to get help if I can’t flat out explain how I’m feeling. i know whats going on around me and the only thing I can get out of that is loneliness. maybe one day I’ll find someone or something willing enough to slow down a little bit for me to find my feet again.