my thoughts

Lately things have been hard. This month marks 4 years since my grandfather passed and I still haven't been able to fully forgive myself. There was some family drama, so I stopped talking to him and my grandma for about 2 years until my little sister was born, but things were never the same again. I always turned my shoulder when he would try to hug me, i never answered when he told me he loved me and that he was sorry, and that carried over to his death bed. Seeing him lying there, I felt nothing...until he was gone. I hate that I never tried to reconcile with him like he tried, I hate that i never told him i love him, and now it hurts every single day and i'm not sure how to move past that.

I just haven't been feeling like myself lately. I'm either overwhelmed with a mix of emotions or i just feel nothing, almost like i'm just a figure taking up space. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I either feel like i am nothing but a bother to people or no one is available to talk. I have a friend who says i can talk to her whenever i need, but i tell myself that she only says that to be nice. I don't let myself believe that she actually means it because i've never had anyone in my life who was willing to listen to me. My family thinks that because i was given everything in life that I have no reason to be depressed so i've never been able to talk to them about anything. I've also never wanted to tell them that a lot of my depression stems from them and my childhood. The things that were "normal" at the time actually were never normal. It's safe to say that i've hated myself for a long time, and it's just progressively getting worse. I have no self-motivation anymore to want to try and do better so i just continue to be the same person. Getting out of bed every morning is a struggle because i have nothing in life to look forward to. It's hard to do the little things like brush my teeth, brush my hair, even get dressed. Of course, I get up and i do it anyways because i'm the big sister, i have to act like nothing is wrong and set a good example, but it drains me. I am exhausted every day after doing the bare minimum and i'm just tired of trying to seem okay because that's the "normal" thing.