perceived.

when i was younger, having a diary was risky because i felt like my parents would read it if i vented and i'd get in trouble if I wrote and processed anything that they would perceive as negative. perceived being perceived as negative makes me feel ashamed of myself and i don't want to feel like that. i currently feel like if i've let too many people in my space and let them know me more than i should have. let them see more than they should have. or gave off impressions that i never intended to. people judge. im currently disgusted by the things i let people perceive about my life, or of me as a person. perceived. recently i got played by someone i loved with every part of me and since then ive been conscious of the kind of person i was to him and what went wrong. i did my best but was it too much? why did I let him in so much when there were so many signs showing he never gave a fuck? i was becoming mentally over him but then some shit was revealed and it shattered me. that happened last month(almost). the 13th of April. ive been processing it and coming to terms with everything and I'm kinda okay with it now. sometimes it bothers me but ...time heals and I will be okay. I trust that for sure. however now I'm more self conscious. I want to be a new person. a better person. and the better person that I know I can be knows her worth. though I know my worth now, I've been plagued by embarrassment of whoever I let in before and even now when it comes to trusting new people and doing too much. I don't want to be perceived as something I'm not. perceived. so now it's nearly 4am on a Saturday morning and I feel anxious about the way I look to people. i think two things triggered this. 1) i recently started talking to a guy and we started flirting mindlessly. sending seductive photos and whatnot. they're just photos but i should not have show him so much. there was no other bind between us and ive been looking for something substantial but his attention was nice. the minute he started dirty talking and I realized it was strictly lust, i regretted it. I don't want to be lusted over. I want to be loved. 2) this other guy that I started talking to as well that I allowed on my finsta (I feel now that ive been too easy on who I let into that personal space) unfollowed me and removed me from everything???? now I'm wondering what he saw that made him remove me. does he think im some sort of a slut now? does he just think im annoying? this happened today and we were talking fine before so I messaged asking. even that I feel dumb over now. ive never had sex but im constantly worried that's all people think when they see me. i don't want to be perceived as a slut or someone that's easy. i feel as though that diminishes the love I deserve to be given. im tired of men just talking to me when they want their dick hard. i am better than that. but i keep thinking maybe the content ive given makes me look less than. like I'm calling the derogatory view on myself. I don't know if this is part of growth but the content I've previously shared online makes me feel uncomfortable now. (the content even isn't bad...I've grown up conservative so even showing my midrift or a lil thigh or underwear/2 piece was out of my comfort zone.) the validation was nice before but i feel like it could turn left quick and it freaks me out. i don't want anyone to see me as someone I'm not. i want everyone to forget who they think i am. erase their memory of me from their brains. i want a clean slate. i longer want to be perceived.