percy’s space

@blueberrywaffles. Hello Percy. You have a great ability to write. Your words flow smoothly. Hope you continue to write as it is an excellent outlet for your emotions. I do hope you catch up with some sleep though as sleep depriviation itself can cause anxiousness and prevent your body to fuction well.

i'm feeling okay. i really wish i could go permanently invisible, so i could experience the world without having a role to play (a student, a son, a brother, a friend..). i would like to be invisible so i could do whatever i feel like without responsibilities or expectations. so i didn't have to worry about being seen. so i could silently observe and never be observed.

my...my dad has a tattoo with my birth name on it...goddammit how am i gonna tell him xD


(from now on instead of diary entries i'm gonna write whatever random thoughts i need to get out of my head because i have no one to talk to about it so uh here you go)

i'm going to start age regressing as a way of coping. lately i've been wishing i could go back to being a little kid when life was simple, and i recently started watching cartoons i used to watch as a kid- at first i thought i wanted to watch them for no specific reason but i just realized it's because i've been missing my little kid years. anyways i think it will help distract me from issues with family, loneliness, anxiety, and sadness.

every time i try to talk to someone at school i just freeze. when i say something it comes out all fast and mumbly and too high-pitched. i just never know the right thing to say, and it's so much easier to just keep to myself. but i still want friends, i just don't want to have to talk to someone i don't know...

back in elementary school it was so easy to make friends- my best friend back then became my friend just because we had the same name (we've both changed it since then though). it's just not that easy anymore. and we were really great friends, we understood each other and knew everything about each other and i was so happy around him, i miss him and i miss who i was when we were friends. now i'm boring and sad and tired all the time i wish i could be the same person i was back then but i'm afraid i've lost that part of me (this sounds dramatic now that i read this over, i'm only 15 but it's true).

i just wanna be a gamer boy with fluffy hair, 2 extra inches, and a boyfriend is that so much to ask xD

akjsjkdjsdkjd

i feel like infodumping literally everything i'm going through right now so here. i'll save you your time and energy now, don't read it, i'm just a dumb boy complaining about stupid things that don't really matter

1. school stress- why do i have so much homework already and why is it so much note-taking? and what did i expect from all honors/ap courses? i think i'm dumber than most people think i am. have you ever noticed that people always say how nice and smart quiet kids are? like not that you would know, we talked like what twice? i can't focus i have no motivation i just want to play video games ahhhh

2. family stress- my parents think being trans ftm is an internet trend for insecure girls which is gross and now i know they'll never see me as their son. they constantly refer to trans guys as girls like "well girls these days are much more likely to be trans than they used to" but they mean trans boys, they mean boys, boys, boys, stop calling us girls... it hurts so much. so i have 3 options:

-come out to everyone and risk it all. will be a nightmare and i'll regret it. my entire extended family except one bisexual cousin will not accept me, make fun of me, and treat me like a joke. (they're all very conservative.) even if it was just to my family family, like my parents and sister, they would be in denial and make it awkward and try to convince me i'm a girl. besides my sister but she doesn't like talking about feelings (i don't have a better way to explain, she's stubborn and likes to act tough i guess?) so she would just make it awkward for me. she is lesbian though but i'm not supposed to know that

-come out only at school. kinda difficult living two separate lives i guess. that would be nice but people at school might be jerks. i mean i did already get outed to my chem class and some people laughed but most people just didn't care or they seemed to get a bit uncomfortable around me...

-stay in the closet. maybe a year, maybe 3. this would be painful but i could get through it i guess.

idk what to do. i wish i didn't have to explain myself. like i'm a boy. that's it, why do i have to tell you why, or how i know, or when i realized, or blah blah blah. but my parents have already confronted me, well just my mom, asking if i'm trans. i of course said no, i wasn't ready to say it, and my mom got mad. said my business was her business, she's my mother after all, if i didn't trust her she must be a bad mom and basically guilt tripped me for not telling her stuff. it's my choice when to come out. why won't she respect that? and not just coming out, like everything else in my life...it's my choice if i want to tell her. she shouldn't have asked because you should give your kids a chance to come out when they're ready. then she went to her room and had a long conversation with my dad, which i heard all of. that's when they said all those terrible transphobic things specifically at ftm people. disgusting that they call themselves allies.

3. i'm gay. yeah that's all i'm gonna say about that one

4. more trans stuff- i ordered a binder 12 days ago, it's supposed to come in 7-15 days and only the shipping label has been made so far. reaaally hoping it comes before tuesday, when we start dressing in pe. also we have to swim in that class next semester and i just... it's gonna suck. i already paid for my own binder ($35), boxers (50 something ugh) it sucks that i have to spend my own money on basic things just because i'm trans. and now i have to buy myself a swim top and trunks but idk where to get that. i don't want to spend too much money. also i know i can wear my binder while swimming but i have to take it off afterwards... what am i just gonna let them free for the remaining 3 periods of the day?

5. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i want to go into a field and scream just to get everything ooooouuuutttt

6. woah there, getting a little dependent on 7 cups now buddy. any time i have free i want to spend on 7 cups. (or video games.) i like video games especially zelda and mario i just got skyward sword and i'm replaying galaxy so that's fun
also i really like botw, it's my favorite video game and i want to 100% it. hopefully i can do that before the sequel comes out. i think i can but those pesky koroks...

"the south will rise again. but when i get up too fast, i pass out" idk why but this line has been stuck in my head

i've listened to devil town like thirty times today it's just so good...DEVILTOWN IS COLDER IN THE SUMMER TIME, I'LL LOSE MY MIND AT LEAST ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES

i packed at school for the first time today! kept worrying that my uh pair of socks would fall out of my pants randomly in class and everyone would be confused except kayden, this trans guy i have a lot of classes with (i might have a crush on kayden) and he would just try not to laugh

i actually wrote all of this and i'm posting it wow i'm an idiot this is why i hate myself

at this point i'm not sure if i need a hug, a therapist, 6 months of sleep, or to get hit by a car

just saw an old picture of myself. i look like a different person. i was trying so hard back then...being a girl has always felt like an act for me. looking back at the picture i can remember how hard i was trying to look feminine. i wanted to look pretty. and i did look pretty in that picture. why can't that be enough? be a girl, look pretty, take pictures, be a girl...

maybe it is. maybe i just need to get out of this phase and start acting like a girl, it would be much more convenient, and who knows maybe if i present as a girl again i'll realize i like it better or something. ugh i keep switching between this argument and "uh you've literally looked at a boy and cried because you want to be them so bad but you know you'll never get there. more than once. what's the cis explanation for that"

i think i liked being feminine (meaning, looking pretty) sometimes, like in the moment i took that picture, but it's hard to tell what i like and what i did because i was expected to. i might be more open to being feminine once i can do so while still passing as a guy, if that's ever possible.

lmao just remembered trying to learn how to tie a tie in like...middle school? yeah probably 6th or 7th. i kept watching this video to teach myself how "just in case". just in case... you're a boy? (not saying only men can wear ties but in my middle school brain ties were like the most man item of clothing so) never could figure it out though, i mean i don't remember it well but idk how to tie a tie so i'm assuming i failed