quietus - my journal space
hi. i'm pw to make it simple. some might know me by other names, if you do those are okay to use too.
i just decided to do this because sometimes i want to let it out and i want people to respond, but talking to a listener isn't always an option. so i welcome responses. i'll probably talk about triggering things so keep that in mind. it's not like i really have friends here and i don't expect anyone to care about some random person's diary so this might not work out.
i keep thinking about these lyrics:
"He could be cool and cruel to you and me
Knew we'd put up with anything
I wanna hurt him
@pw123 ugh, the spacing for the lyrics got all messed up..
i actually was okay for about 5 mins today - was thinking of someone and it motivated me a bit. i cleaned up my room a bit and did part of a math assignment. i had two full meals. then i immediately felt like *** again. i self-harmed and yeah idk this the most productive day i've had in a while. pathetic.
yesterday i slept on a bunch of junk because i couldn't get myself to move the stuff off my bed and ive been wearing gross dirty clothes because i cant get myself to wash them. im not getting better. every day its so impossible to get out of bed. the only reason i did today (again, for only minutes..) is because for some reason my brain decided to like this person and that he is somehow the only thing that can successfully motivate me.
i haven't been doing school work for a while because it's hard enough to manage not being in bed all day, not self-harming, and then actually taking care of my basic needs. i cant do those things most days. homework is lower on the priority list, and i dont have energy/motivation/whatever you wanna call it to do those things. i wish i could. idk what to do, but im starting to fail most classes. i don't really care, and it's my fault. it's just that soon enough my parents are gonna freak out about it.
@pw123 hey there, I know what you mean by it's hard enough to take care of your basic needs, and that studies are low on your priority list... I've been there before...only a few days back...I know a good listener...he is helping me a lot...he is a calm person and it helps me calm down too...do you want to talk with him? should I tell you his username?
@mehnaz hey thanks for responding. ive got a good go-to listener rn, and i dont think its allowed to share usernames like that, but thank you :)
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"All you aspired to do was endure
You can't ask for more, ask for more
Knowing you'll never get that which you ask for"
wowie it’s been a while i kinda forgot about this whole journalling thing. i keep a private journal which is easier for me i think.
idk what to say that hasn’t been said, but im pretty disappointed in myself and i hope i feel physically okay tomorrow. ive been sleeping on top of melted chocolate and my room is generally disgusting and i don’t really leave it so yeah. if i had the energy to just do one thing, just clean my bed or do my laundry, that would be enough
