underachieving/overachieving in life (thoughts)

Hello, if you would like to read my thoughts, then feel free to go ahead and do so, as well as reply with your opinions and if you want, you can use this space to ponder over your life goals and 'acheiving limits'(that is to say whether you think you are an overachiever or underachiever.

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okay,so heres the thing, ever since i was a kid i wasnt so big on being the best; granted my father did a good job cutting down my self-esteem before it even grew buut i just never felt the need to be 'Amazing' or great at something. i was always and sorta still am living life as it passes me by.

i remember my sister asking me once, how and why i cant seem to feel anything when a girl use to get the best result in class, she was like why arent you bothered? and it isnt that i dont have a competitive blood in me, rather when doing things i enjoy, maybe games or things like that, i get a rush out of winning and i quite enjoy it as well as dont enjoy losing.. however for a while i never felt anything and wondered if i was weird; that didnt just stop at education, when it came to people doing amazing things, i never felt anything about it, like yeah- cool for them- but not i want to be that person kinda feeling.. like how my sister sometimes feel some kind of way when she hears or sees of a person young or younger than her achieving great things and being a millionaire, she wants to be better and do things like that and so on, but for me.. when i see that and i think 'oh okay' because maybe- and i am just speculating here, maybe it is because deep down i think i will never amount to that so i dont bother. but that is not where it stops.

that attitude also sips into my future goals, like if you ask me what my future goal is, i would tell you i want to finish uni and get a degree as well as get masters.. why? not because "I want to" but rather because it is a delay for planning for the future which wont make people raise an eyebrow at me, it is something people would go "oh wow nice" but reality is i am just delaying an impending big decision, and it is with those spur of moment decisions i make that build up my future while i go through life with stress and anxiety.

i dont have things i enjoy that i geniunely see myself doing for a living, like yeah i enjoy writing stories and fiction but i dont see any future contentment with it, personal enjoyment yes but for me to be a novelist and say i am living my dream is something i dont see.

heck i dont see much of a future when i think of a future, i just have fantasies of things i know and agree with myself that it wont happen so i dont have hope for it, in order not to get disappointed

but thats not where it ends,,

heres another thing i kind of dont get, and that is the feeling of 'wanting to do better and be better to go where you want to go in life'. like i dont even know where i want to go talk less of wanting to put effort.

the thing is when people say i want to do this and be better, i am 'hungry' and i only want to 'grind' or stuff like that, i say 'hell yeah!' 'thats what life is about ' i say cliche things that seem relateable and pretend i get it but reality is that i dont and to not seem weird i say i do.

like yes i get it but i dont get the feeling or the need to understand them in a deeper level where i will say that i can relate.

i currenlty dont really have a good hobby that i enjoy doing- writing but i havent written much in a while. things i enjoy doing are things that take my mind off things, like watching youtube videos, playing games and reading manga, i would say novel but i havent read in a while,

but thats the thing right, i was watching a youtube video of sidemen and it was a video of whether they think like each other and at some point in the ending they were talking about doing better and not being exactly where they want to be- i am just paraphrasing- and so as i listened to then i thought to myself, i would have been contended with the life they have or even less. i mean if i have a stable income, food, a car, a nice home... i feel like i am set for life.

but i dont strive for that, maybe i am unmotivated.

the thing is i get it but i dont relate to it and i dont know if i should feel bothered by that, like maybe this attitude will affect my life on a long time goal sense and maybe not.

i am in my second year and i will third year soon and graduate uni i should be thinking of internship right now and my thoughts are 'i want something simple, sophisticated that people wont judge me and wont seem low but also easy to do and bearable...

am i just too lazy and unmotivated or underachieving? i dont know, you tell me.

frankly i think abit of both

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i may come back and add something into this and i may not.. who knows...

anyways thanks for reading

have a great day