whatever

Don't really know how to start this "diary". I didn't really wanted to write things here...it's kinda intimidating knowing that everyone could read it. But, I've changed my mind, or maybe is it just because of that weird feeling that comes at night. Maybe I actually want someone to see it. I don't know. Everything's confusing.

I've been feeling lonely these days, I think. But I don't mind loneliness... I think. I'm just sad and unmotivated. Really unmotivated.
I don't feel comfortable talking with people. I don't even feel comfortable reaching my friends... Feels like I'm annoying everytime I type something. Like I never say the right thing.
I wonder what he's thinking about me. But I really don't wanna ask questions like these. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been if I was more... delicate with my words. I still don't think that I was wrong though, but maybe the approach was. Well, whatever. Now time has passed and hopefully we are both ignoring it. Or, is he really ignoring it ? Does he ever think about these past times ? Does he likes me less ? I don't think he considers me as a good friend to be honest. But also we're both very bad at communication. I'm trying to start conversations sometimes but it's like I have a taste of regret everytime after doing it, I have mixed feelings actually. Because sometimes, you might be just waiting for someone to send you a message. And I could be this someone for him. Maybe. But also maybe I'm not that someone he needs. I don't know why I feel so intimidated by him. Probably because I really appreciate him for whatever reasons. I don't even understand why I appreciate him so much. I'd love to get him out of my mind, but it just seems impossible. Very strange.
And also his lifestyle is worrying me, but what can I do about it ? Nothing. So I'm avoiding any response to the little information I get, 'cause... I just don't feel legitimate. And I know it won't help. And he probably doesn't want me to tell him things that he already knows... I guess.

I'm also thinking about her.
These past months we used to talk very often. Every day actually. I like her, she likes me, good friendship.
But I don't know since this trip she had, it's like things have changed. We've been so silent ever since, I don't get it. Things don't even seem wrong but... something feels wrong ? And I just can't explain why or how.
I think I wish she'd talk to me more. Because she haven't reached to me at all, which is unusual. Did spending some time with other humans changed her in such a little amount of time ?
It's like something has changed in my routine now that we don't talk much. But I don't have anything to say to her. As much as I like her, I have no idea of what I could say. Does she even want me to say something ?
That's the weird thing. I have no idea if people want me to talk to them. I don't feel wanted. I don't feel essential. And maybe I'm just being selfish or too dramatic. So in the end, maybe the safest is just to write things to yourself. Or to strangers. If anybody ever reads this and understands what I'm trying to explain, as english isn't my mother tongue.

The funny thing is I've never even met this people, yet they take so much space in my brain. But. I guess I like it like that... Yeah, typing on a computer instead of speaking face to face is definitely something I prefer. It would be better if we never even meet in person. I guess. Yeah. Pretty sure.

Ah... should I mention this third person though.
They're... cool... I guess... well... we're friends, so, yeah, they're cool.
I like them but I don't know why I'm being so dry in my way of responding to them. I hope I didn't hurt them.
I guess it's nice of them to send me a message, even if it's insignificant. But why am I being such trash. When one people tries to talk to me I don't want to, but then I'm also whining about the two other people that don't seem like they want to talk to me.
I feel bad about that.

Funny how everything's related to the box that is my computer.
My whole life gravitates around it. The world seems so much bigger and yet, all my years are spent in front of this one box.
I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. But also, I'm such an unmotivated human being with zero energy that...even taking the subway is hard. Maybe it's my fault. But that's the easiest thing to do, being in front of that box.
I've thought about the fact that if I died and I had to see all the years of my life played at an accelereated speed, and like I would see me from an external point of view... I would practically only see myself in front of my computer. That's it. When I first realised that, it made me feel pathetic. Now... I don't know... what would I do anyway... I'm not that free. Can't leave everything and go travel around the world. Do I even wanna travel around the world ? Probably not. My body would feel heavy and all I would wanna do would be staying in bed. Like every day.


I don't know where this is going.
Hope I'm not going to regret posting this. But I probably would. Because at some point, I always end up wanting to erase all traces of my existence.