A New Life, journal
I've spent most of my life alone. I used to fill it with other people, and that gave me meaning. But recent experiences have taught me that I need to be alone. I die inside when circumstances cause my loved ones to go away. I end up doing everything I can to keep them in my life so I don't become hollow again.
I need to change. Whether I have someone in my life or not, I need to be okay with myself. I hope this is a space where I can be heard.
Starting today, I will no longer attach my well-being to another person. Last night I died, today I start my new life.
I woke up feeling anxious. I had a dream about being a fake person with a family that was having a birthday party for an ungrateful child. I was a grandpa even though I'm too young for that. Everyone was wearing a costume of me, mote (specifically a Halloween costume I'd been planning irl but never wore because I got heartbroken shortly before Halloween this year and spent it alone). I had to go put on a costume too, but in my heart I was planning to leave them.
I hurried to go put on the costume but was also making plans to go and never come back. I was interrupted by a coworker I work with whom I despise for being abrasive and self-centered. I realized I envied him as he took a piece of cake and left.
I woke up wanting to look at my phone to know if my ex sent me any messages but I'm resisting. He doesn't want to hear from me. I need to give him his space. And knowing he doesn't care about me anymore hurts. Maybe my dream will make sense later today but I need to get out of bed. I'm just going to keep being anxious if I stay.
