Birdie's Little Nest
Hello all! Potential trigger warnings for death, domestic violence, physical and mental health, and abuse of every kind.
I want to try more journaling this year, but it's hard for my to write as much as I'm thinking because of my carpal tunnel and get frustrated that I can't write as fast as I can think. Which I still can't type as fast as I think, but it's a lot closer.
Right now I'm sitting in a waiting room. Just had a mammogram, my first one ever. I'm only 31, but my grandma passed of breast cancer and I'm not taking any chances. Right now the doctor is reviewing the images to see if I need anymore, then I'll get more or move on to the ultrasound portion of the visit.
I'm also very excited to say I talked to a local place about getting a memorial for my mom, who passed away on March 11th 2024. I have wanted to do something nice for her, as she meant the world to me, and I currently have a well paying job and the ability to do it.
I am a quality assurance technician at a juice manufacturing company. I've been in food/beverage manufacturing for almost 10 years now and I'm delighted to with my work and my field. The only downside is my boss is incredibly verbally abusive. Which I've had enough of. I've lodged several complaints, but I've now had enough. They keep indicating he will be fired and I'll get his job, but they've been stringing me along for a while now, and I'm sick of it.
I have an interview with another company scheduled for next Monday. I probably won't make the same amount of money, but depending on the compensation, it'll be worth it to be away from my boss. (It is dependant on compensation, because I currently make top dollar in my field considering my qualifications and lack of certificates, but I'm not going to go for a pay decrease of over 5/hr. That's just ridiculous.)
Anyway, that's it. Hopefully they call me back soon for either more imaging or the ultrasound! Thanks for reading, if you did. ❤️
@witchybirdie Good luck with all that! Yeah...it sounds like the company you currently work for is doing the usual corporate 🐂💩. As long as you keep buying into middle management's promises & continuing as usual, they don't have to do anything about your boss. If you're doing your job & he's doing his job, why should they give a fart in a windstorm about how he treats you?...that's their thinking.
Thank you! Thankfully the mammogram showed nothing concerning and they gave me a clear bill of health!
And yeah. The worst part of it is, I do my job and his job.
But the worst is that he gets credit for it. I've stopped doing his job and focus on my own and now suddenly they are coaching him and talking about dismissal. Which, at least there's that? I'm really hoping they fire him and promote me. But we'll see.
I finished therapy today! I did a good job. I stopped trying to be funny and actually opened up and was vulnerable. It was hard. I cried a lot. But it was good. And they don't hate me for crying. I was waiting for them to hate me for it, because I've been taught crying is bad growing up. But they don't! They want to keep seeing me.
I did have a moment in therapy. They verbalized how 've been through a lot of abuse and trauma. But like, hearing a professional say it is so different than just thinking it yourself. He wants me to try to do inner child work, which I'm open to, even if it feels awkward to talk to a mirror that's supposed to be baby me.
I am trying to realize and acknowledge that I've been through a lot. It isn't the Abuse Olympics. Just because I know other people who "had it worse" doesn't make my experience not bad. My experience can still be bad. It's still allowed to destroy me and my sense of self and self worth.
I just... I don't know. They also commented that it must have been hard to fall asleep being afraid of being murdered when I was with my ex. Because I was. I would clutch the remote while I was falling asleep because I was afraid he would try to kill me and at least if he did, I'd have a weapon of some sort. Not a good one, but something.
They mentioned they've had other clients that are afraid of dying in their sleep, mostly because of illness. But not because of fear of being murdered.
And I don't know. That really hit me. I guess I didn't realize how *** up I am.
I also mentioned my previous issues with misusing my previous medicine as a teenager, they mentioned that if they were in charge of my medication, if they had that knowledge, they never would have prescribed my current anti-anxiety medication due to abuse risks.
And I felt so bad. And they reassured me it wasn't a judgement, they weren't trying to shame me. But I can't help but feel shame.
Especially because I've been debating abusing this drug for the freeing feeling. I remember when I abused the previous, I was felt free. I didn't feel bad. I didn't feel anything. Just empty, but in a good way. Because everything I feel is turned up to million. And I can't function with this feeling of feeling so much.
I don't know. I'm just a failure and it's hard to cope with.
Thanks for reading.